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This article is out of universe from Kung Fu Panda. This subject has been distinguished as part of the real world and therefore should not be taken as part of the fictional universe of the Kung Fu Panda franchise. |
Episode title card
Written here is the full transcript of the episode "Father Crime" from the Nickelodeon television series Kung Fu Panda: Legends of Awesomeness. This transcript has been separated into three segments, indicated accordingly to the episode's commercial breaks.
Character dialogue lines were originally written by the episode's screenwriter, Doug Langdale. Descriptions shown between italicized brackets were written by contributors of this article.
Act 1[]
[The episode opens up to Po and Tigress walking through a bamboo forest.]
PO
Tigress I'm just saying, if we wore matching outfits we might feel closer.
TIGRESS
I agree, that's why I'm against it.
PO
We could have hats! I'd let you design them.
TIGRESS
Okay, my hat would be invisible and yours would cover your mouth.
PO
Ha, funny… joke.
[They stop walking.]
TIGRESS
Shh!
PO
What? Shh like you heard something or shh like you're gonna strangle me?
TIGRESS
[Puts one hand over Po's mouth.] Both.
[Voices can be heard in the distance.]
VOICE
Alright bring him over here, yeah that's right, bring him up against the wall.
[Tigress looks down from a cliff and sees Fung and his gang of Croc Bandits cornering a short person wearing a hat.]
FUNG
Hand over the money old man.
[Po now looks down from the cliff as well.]
FUNG
[Takes a small bag from the old man.] Are you… wha, are you kidding me? What is this? Five yuan! This wouldn't buy me a bowl of noodles.
GAHRI
Uh, actually I know where you can get a bowl of noodles for two yuan.
FUNG
Gah! [Throws his helmet on the ground.] Do you wanna do this Gahri?! Do you wanna do my job?!
GAHRI
No, I just…
FUNG
Well- no maybe that's what we should do! Maybe we should switch jobs so you could tell me well like, "Oh I got this bowl of soup place for two yuan." Yeah, you try being the leader, and I'll try being the total pain in the butt, who's all like interrupting!
GAHRI
Don't be like that.
[Fung growls then pushes Gahri to the ground, causing him to knock down a bunch of things off screen. Fung picks up the old man and holds up his fist.]
FUNG
Give us the rest of the money or I shall smite you with the mighty wrath of my punch! [He turns to the croc bandits while still holding onto the old man's neck.] That's how you do this job: direct. [He turns back only to see that he now has his hand around Tigress' neck.] Hey, h-h-hey there you. What's… um. How's your old tiger… thing?
[Tigress puts her hand around Fung's snout.]
TIGRESS
Let's not spoil this by talking.
[Po helps the old man.]
PO
You okay sir?
[Tigress pushes Fung away.]
OLD MAN
Hale and hearty my good man. Despite their malitudinous intentions, those ruffians harmed me not one jot or one tipple.
TIGRESS
I imagine you'll wanna be moving along now.
FUNG
Yeah normally I would, but I sorta can't. [Tigress approaches Fung.] Don't get me wrong. (Laughs nervously) You scare me. Any second now I'll be standing in a puddle. But the guy I'm working for, he scares me more.
TIGRESS
Who's that?
FUNG
I can't tell ya'.
GAHRI
Because it's Tong Fo.
PO
Tong Fo!
FUNG
Gah! Can you believe… this is what I have to… [Throws his helmet on the ground.] Darn it Gary! [He puts his helmet back on.] Look, that guy stole a lot of money from my boss. [He points to the old man.]
OLD MAN
A boldfaced preverication sir!
FUNG
I can't go back without that money; Tong Fo will do terrible things to me and he'll stare at me with those eyes.
WALL EYE
The eyes are spooky. [His right eye faces a different direction.]
[Fung holds up his battle axe, Tigress gets into a fighting stance.]
TIGRESS
So be it.
[Po pushes the old man to safety.]
PO
Stand back, looks like things are about to get real.
FUNG
Croc Bandits attack!
[The bandits rush in to attack. The bandits are easily defeated and one by one get thrown to the top of a cliff. One croc bandit is hits to the top of cliff and knocks down the rest of the bandits back into the fight. The fight causes them old man to drop his belongings. He tries to pick them up but is picked up by Fung.]
FUNG
Hand over the money old man.
[Fung tries to run away but he is chased down by Tigress. Tigress pushes the old man to safety.]
OLD MAN
Perhaps I can be of some assistance. [He picks up his belongings.]
PO
No!
[The old man picks up his belongings and uses them stick part to fight the bandits. He knocks two bandits off of Po and then knocks Fung out for Tigress. He lands in a heroic pose.]
PO
Whoa!
TIGRESS
He's good, [A croc quickly comes by and knocks the old man to the ground.] but not great.
[The crocs all hang onto the edge of the edge of the cliff and then plummet to the ground and run away.]
FUNG
This isn't over, well this part's over, but there's gonna be other parts! [Runs away.]
[The croc who knocked down the old man still stands there, but once the rest of the bandits flee, he too runs away, screaming. The old man gets up.]
OLD MAN
It would seem we taught those hooligans a badly needed lesson in interpersonal affiliatories, no?
PO
[Gives a confused look.] Yeah, you really kicked some croc there old timer.
OLD MAN
Oh, Shirong. [He bows.]
[Po and Tigress bows back.]
PO
Oh, I'm Po and this is Tigress.
TIGRESS
Are you traveling far?
SHIRONG
I should be nearly there. I'm on my way road visit my son at the Jade Palace.
PO
Your son?
SHIRONG
[Removes his hat.] Yes, his name is Shifu. Do you know him?
[Po and Tigress are surprised by this. Po gasps deeply. They continue traveling.]
PO
You're Shifu's dad. He's your son. My master's your son. What was he like as a kid? Was he good? Was he bad? Did he get in trouble? Did ya' spank him? What'd he play with? What'd he eat? Did he have an imaginary friend? Did he stick things up his nose? Did he ever make that ahh face? Ooh, did he wear diapers? Did they smell like Kung Fu.
SHIRONG
Shifu was the perfect child really; his behavior was always utterly pervestricable.
PO
Oh yeah, same old… Shifu. [He gives a confused look and eats and apple.]
SHIRONG
Po, do you know the "Lao Gu Mystery of the Disappearing Coin?"
PO
No, but it sounds cool!
[Shirong prepares to take something out but doesn't appear to have it.]
SHIRONG
Do you have a coin I could borrow?
[Shirong hands his belongings to Tigress as Po gives him a coin. He places the coin in his hand, moves it to the other hand, and blows on it. The coin seems to disappear.]
PO
Whoa! Can I see that again?
SHIRONG
Of course. [He holds out his hand.]
[Po gives Shirong another coin and he makes it disappear.]
PO
Whoa!
[Tigress grunts as Po continues to give Shirong coins, which he makes disappear.]
PO
Whoa, is this ever gonna get old?
SHIRONG
Not for me.
[He does it one last time.]
PO
Whoa! I'm out. You sir, are good.
[Shirong shakes his head in disbelief. That evening, the three arrive at the Jade Palace.]
PO
Oh man, Shifu is gonna be so excited. Wait, should we knock? Let's knock. [He pushes Shirong in front of the door and knocks. Shifu opens the door.] Surprise!
SHIRONG
Son! [Holds his arms out.]
[Shifu slams the door. Shirong is stunned.]
PO
Wow, that was not quite… huh.
[The three enter the Hall of Warriors.]
SHIFU
What're you doing here?
SHIRONG
Are you still upset about… things?
SHIFU
Yes I am still upset about things.
SHIRONG
Well I brought you something that might take your mind off it:[He reaches behind himself.] My fist!
[He begins sparring with Shifu. The rest of the Furious Five walk in and try to help Shifu.]
TIGRESS
Don't.
[They spar evenly matched until Shifu backs Shirong up into a wall.]
SHIRONG
I see your skills have progressed far, since I first introduced you to Kung Fu. One thing though, you never did understand strategy.
[Shirong picks up a nearby sword and smacks Shifu on then top of then head with it.]
SHIFU
Ow!
SHIRONG
Isn't it marvelous my boy; just like old times.
SHIFU
If this were like old times you would have stolen something by now and… (sighs) put it back.
SHIRONG
Put what?
SHIFU
Put it back!
[Shirong takes then sword out of his sleeve and puts it back on its stand.]
SHIFU
I suppose it's best that you all find out at once. This is my father, Shirong. He is a thief, a conman, and leaving. [Points] Out.
SHIRONG
You send me out there and I won't last a day.
TIGRESS
Then crocs were telling the truth weren't they; you stole from Tong Fo.
SHIRONG
Not indeed, I merely sold them a priceless jade statue that didn't, actually happen to, as it were, exist. I admit the distinction is purely infantisular but…
SHIFU
Don't do that!
SHIRONG
What?
SHIFU
Make up words: "infratisular", "fortisrumpunate", "rebeltreffication"! Do you have any idea how confused I was as a child?!
SHIRONG
I assure you my motives were entirely appavustrian.
SHIFU
Get out!
[Shifu points out.]
PO
But Shifu, if you throw him out Tong Fo will hurt him 'til he quits breathing. And you know, he is your dad.
[Shirong smiles. Shifu sighs and puts his hand down.]
SHIFU
One night.
SHIRONG
How can I thank you son?
SHIFU
By leaving as soon as possible. I suggest you all lockup your valuables.
[Shifu walks away. Later that night, Po escorts Shirong to a room in the barracks.]
PO
Are you really a conman?
SHIRONG
Yes, and I don't deserve a son as fantabulous as Shifu.
PO
Yeah I was just saying that. He sure is, Fantaspa-namalama… That's a good thing, right?
SHIRONG
Po, I want you to know I appreciate you saving me from those crocs back there. You're a good boy.
PO
Thanks. Anyway, you can stay in here. [He opens the door to a messy room.] In the storage room.
SHIRONG
Cozy.
PO
Yeah, um, I'll get you a blanket and stuff.
[Po picks up a blanket, a stool, and some pillows, when suddenly Shirong yells and things are heard breaking.]
SHIRONG
Help! Help!
PO
Shirong! Hold on! I'm coming! (gasps) [He arrives at the storage room and finds things destroyed and a large hole in the wall. He yells out of the hole.] Shirong!
[End of Act 1]
Act 2[]
[Po, Shifu, and the Furious Five gather in the storage room and look out a large hole in the wall.]
PO
It must've been croc bandits; they guessed we'd bring Shirong here and the moment we left left him alone: bam!
TIGRESS
They'll take him to Tong Fo's lair at Camelback Mountain, if we hurry we can save him.
[Po and the five start running out the door.]
SHIFU
No. [Po and the five look back and stop.] Po, did you actually see any croc bandits?
PO
No but I heard Shirong yelling and crashes and stuff!
SHIFU
[Picks up Shirong's bindle] There's no proof he was kidnapped, he could've done this all himself.
TIGRESS
Why would he do that?
SHIFU
[Drops the bindle] Some sort of con, as always. Undoubtedly something valuable is missing.
PO
But…!
SHIFU
No, I forbid any of you to go after him.
PO
Master Shifu...
SHIFU
That will be all, Po.
[Shifu exits the room, followed by the five. Po prepares to exits when something catches his eye. He picks up a small pendant and is surprised.
Later, Shifu sits in his room while looking at a painting of himself, when he was a child, and Shirong.]
PO
Uh, can I come in?
[Shifu turns his attention to Po, who is standing in the doorway.]
SHIFU
You're already in.
PO
Oh, uh, can I not feel guilty about it then?
SHIFU
(sighs) What do you want Po?
[Unbeknownst to Po and Shifu, Tigress listens in to their conversation from outside the room.]
PO
I think your dad was really kidnapped. {The camera goes back to inside the room.} [He pulls out the pendant.] Look I found this, it's solid gold, {The camera goes back to Tigress.} if he was faking, I don't think he would have left that behind.
[The camera goes back inside. Shifu holds the pendant.]
SHIFU
Trust me, this is a scam; you don't know him like I do.
PO
But what if you're wrong. I mean, he's your dad, {The camera goes back to Tigress.} we should go after him.
[The camera goes back inside.]
SHIFU
No! (sighs) You need to understand why we're not going after him.
[A 2-D flashback sequence begins. Young Shifu and Shirong travel, in an open field, toward a village.]
SHIFU (V.O.)
From when I was three years old, my father and I traveled to different villages together selling ancient magical talismans that were supposed to cure the sick.
[Shifu makes has a miserable look on his face, but then Shirong puts the talisman necklace on him and he smiles. Villagers then hand coins to Shirong.]
PO (V.O.)
Wow! Where can I get one of those things?
SHIFU (V.O.)
They were fake, Po. [Shifu sits by a candle and paints a small piece of wood.] Every night I'd stay up late carving talismans and painting them to look old. [Shirong and Shifu cart away from a mob of angry villagers.] Sometimes we would get out of a village before people noticed the talismans were fake. [Shifu sits in front of the Hall of Warriors as Shirong leaves.] When I was twelve, my father sat me down in front of the Jade Palace and told me he'd be back in five minutes.
[Shifu sits on the staircase as the day turns into the evening, then the night. The door to the Jade Palace opens. Oogway comes out and puts his hand on Shifu's shoulder. Shifu's expression is now a sorrowful one. End of Flashback.]
PO
Did he come back?
SHIFU
Oh, he did come back, about ten years later. [They look to a poorly made sword.] Traded us this golden sword for food and supplies.
PO
Uh, that's wood.
SHIFU
Exactly. Whenever my father shows up, it's always a trick. Well he's not going to make a sucker out of me this time.
[Po begins to leave.]
PO
Think about it: your dad can steal anywhere. He wouldn't come all the way here, unless he wanted to see you.
[Shifu is silent for a while.]
SHIFU
Good night, Po. [Po hesitates to leave, but Shifu just stares at him. Po slowly leaves. Shifu opens the locket on the necklace that Shirong left. A portrait of Shifu as a child is in it.] It's me, he really… [Shifu nearly believes that his father was there for him, but he changes his mind.] (sighs) Sucker. [Closes the locket.]
[Meanwhile, Shirong is handcuffed and is being escorted into Camelback mountain by Fung and the Croc Bandits.]
SHIRONG
I assure you this is nothing but an unfortunate misunderstanding.
FUNG
Maybe, but Tong Fo wants to like, misunderstand you in person.
[The group walks into a corridor and arrives in a large room with columns and a golden statue at the end of the room. Clicking sounds are heard.]
TONG FO
Shirong.
FUNG
Gah! He always does this; he hides.
TONG FO
So nice of you to drop in and what not.
FUNG
I hate it when he does this, it's so creepy, it's scary. He just comes out of nowhere.
[Fung covers his eyes.]
TONG FO
Unchain him.
FUNG
What, we went like through a lot of trouble to…!
[Tong Fo pops out between the group and stares at Fung.]
TONG FO
Unchain him! [A croc unchains Shirong.] So, was the plan successful.
SHIRONG
Yes, Po was an easy mark. I'm quite sure he'll try to rescue me.
[Back at the Jade Palace, Po tosses and turns in his bed. He then opens his eyes.]
PO
Dang!
[Po runs through the forest on his way to rescue Shirong.]
TONG FO
You better hope he does. [The camera goes back to The lair at Camelback Mountain.] Once we capture him, that panda will be worth far more than the money you owe me. [Shirong's eyes widen.] But if he doesn't show up, [Tong Fo presses his face against Shirong's.] I'll be using you, for a pillow.
[Po still runs toward the lair but is now running out of breath.]
PO
Panda, (pants) not made to run.
[Po leans up against a tree and hears a loud crash. He now gets defensive. He looks over to a rock and sees a bush rustling behind it. He leaps over to the rock and grabs and pins someone to the ground. He is confused when he realizes that he has pinned Tigress.]
[Tong Fo walks away from Shirong and sits in front of the statue.]
FUNG
Wait, you had this whole scam worked out with Shirong and you didn't tell us?!
TONG FO
I couldn't count on you idiots not to reveal the plan.
FUNG
Hmm, can't really argue with that.
[Po still has Tigress pinned.]
TIGRESS
You can get your knee off my kidney anytime now.
[Po gets up.]
PO
Did Shifu send you to bring me back?
[Tigress gets up.]
TIGRESS
What? I thought he sent you to bring me back.
PO
Whoa! You disobeyed Shifu to rescue his dad too. Check out Tigress, breaking the rules!
TIGRESS
What? No! I-I'm not br… Look, Shifu is the closest thing to a father I've ever had.
PO
I see, so Shirong's kinda like your grandpapi.
TIGRESS
No I just… (sighs) No one should lose their father.
PO
Agreed.
[Po and Tigress set off to find Shirong.]
[At Camelback Mountain, Shirong is chained to a column. He sees a croc get knocked out.]
SHIRONG
Po, thank gosh you… [Shifu lands in front of Shirong.] Shifu?
SHIFU
You know, I really thought you had faked that kidnapping.
SHIRONG
You came to rescue me? After all I've done to you?
SHIFU
You're still my father.
SHIRONG
I thought it would be the panda. I-I thought Po would come and…
[Shifu is confused when he easily removes the chain.]
SHIFU
This… This isn't locked.
SHIRONG
I'm sorry son. [Shifu is knocked to the ground with a solid hit from a stick.] I'm sorry.
[Fung walks up to Shifu and knocks him out with a stick.]
[End of Act 2]
Act 3[]
[The scene opens up with a first person view from Shifu, as he awakens in a confused state with his vision blurred.]
TONG FO
So, I went fishing for guppies and wow, I caught a whale!
[Shifu is revealed to be chained to a column.]
SHIFU
(moans) Tong Fo.
[Tong Fo jumps on top of Shifu.]
TONG FO
I was expecting the panda, but no, Shifu! I hit the jackpot. You're free to go now, Shirong. [Tong Fo jumps off of Shifu.] This guy is worth way more than what you owe me.
SHIRONG
Aren't you going to send someone to the Jade Palace with a ransom note.
TONG FO
Ransom? No, no, no, no. I think I'm gonna keep him, for a pet. [He strokes Shifu's beard. Shifu grunts.] Oh the fun we're gonna have: walks, [He walks his fingers on Shifu's head.] training, [He flaps Shifu's ear.] punishments. [He grabs Shifu by the nose and shakes his head.] This is so special. [He rubs Shifu's head.] Look at me, I'm giddy. (Laughs weakly)
SHIRONG
This isn't what we agreed on; you were going to get ransom for the panda, this, [He walks over to Shifu.] this is my son.
TONG FO
I said you were free to go now, and now, will soon be over.
[Tong Fo snaps his fingers and armed croc bandits surround Shirong. Shirong gets worried and then he gives up and walks away. Tong Fo stands next to Shifu.]
TONG FO
Sold out, by your own father. Sad really… Which is kinda what makes it so much fun. [Tong Fo walks away laughing.]
[Po and Tigress arrive at Tong Fo's lair at Camelback Mountain. Two croc bandits stand in front of the entrance. One of the bandits taps on the other bandit's shoulder and points to Tigress, who is walking towards them and stops.]
CROC GUARD
Hey, what're you doin'.
TIGRESS
I'm… sneaking up on you. [The Guards exchange glances.] Can we just fight?
[The guards exchange glances again.]
CROC GUARD
Intruder!
[Tigress quickly takes out both the bandits with one of their spears. Two more bandits run out of Tong Fo's lair. Tigress continues fighting the bandits off screen. Po stands at the side of the doorway and once the bandits come out he sneaks inside.]
PO
Shirong, I'm coming! [Po gets inside.] Shifu?! [He begins running towards Shifu.]
SHIFU
Above you!
[Po has no time to react as Tong Fo jumps from the ceiling and attacks Po's face. Po is able to get Tong Fo and fight him, but he stops in front of Fung with his bamboo stick.]
SHIFU
Po!
[Fung knocks Po out with his bamboo stick.]
FUNG
This thing rocks, I gotta get one.
[Three guards who fought Tigress walk in.]
GUARD
Hey, uh, we caught that tiger dude.
[Each guard holds Tigress and prevents her from moving.]
TIGRESS
Tiger lady!
FUNG
Whoa! I took out Po and you guys caught Tigress. Things are turnin' around. Yeah! This is great!
[Fung's stick knocks him out. Po drops the stick and gets up. Tong Fo wraps a chain around Po and slams him to the ground and then into a column.]
TONG FO
Well, are we both out of surprises?
PO
I dunno. WOOCHA! [Po punches Tong Fo while breaking the column he was chained against.] That's kinda what makes them surprising.
TONG FO
Fair enough.
[Po fights Tong Fo with the chain. He eventually gets the chain around Tong Fo's foot and slams him to the ground. Po runs over to help Shifu, but Tong Fo grabs him by the foot with the chain. Po yanks Tong Fo with the chain. Tong Fo lands on a broken column and starts running up it. Not wanting to lose hold of the chain, Po follows him. They climb up a column and end up on a high beam. Tong Fo maneuvers in a way that makes Po wrap the chain around himself. Tong Fo pushes Po off of the beam. Po screams and falls in slow motion. The chain stops Po's fall and he hangs in the air. Tong Fo starts hitting the beam. With each hit, Po's the beam drops closer to the ground. Shirong arrives.]
SHIRONG
Tong Fo, the rest of the Furious Five followed them! This whole thing is a trap!
TONG FO
What?!
SHIRONG
Come see!
[Tong Fo climbs down, goes over to Shirong, and pushes him aside.]
TONG FO
Where are they?!
[Shirong trips Tong Fo and flips him to the ground. Shirong runs over to help Shifu.]
SHIRONG
That, my son, is strategy.
SHIFU
You came back, for me.
SHIRONG
Yes son. Finally, I came back.
[Their small moment of joy is broken when Tong Fo jumps between them and starts fighting Shirong. They dodge each others hits for a while. Then, Tong Fo jumps on to a beam. Po quickly grabs Tong Fo and they are both hanging in them air. Shirong unchains Shifu. Shirong gives Shifu a boost up to a beam and then they both attack Tong Fo, who is still on Po. Tong Fo pushes Shirong off of Po, but Po catches him and throws him behind Tong Fo.]
PO
Uh, could you guys fight somewhere else?!
[Shirong and Shifu hit Tong Fo to a beam. The beam is supported only by a chain. Tong Fo pushes the beam and swings into Shirong, but Shifu jumps over and takes the hit. Shifu is pushed to the other side of the room. Tong Fo pushes the beam towards Shirong again, and this time he pins him against a column. Tong Fo stands high and proud above Shirong and raises his fist. Shirong sees Shifu's hand reach up behind Tong Fo and comes up with a plan.]
SHIRONG
Do you know the Lao Gu Mystery of the Disappearing Coin?
[Tong Fo raises an eyebrow as Shirong pulls out a coin and makes it disappear. Tong Fo misses a punch and Shirong makes a sword slide out of his sleeve. Shifu catches the sword and hits Tong Fo with it. Tong Fo falls and lands on Fung's snout. Shifu and Shirong jump down and get into defensive positions. The croc bandits all scramble, letting go of Tigress. Tigress walks away. The bandits all try to run out the door but end up stuck in it.]
FUNG
You haven't seen the last of… [He trips over the pile of bandits. The bandits and Tong Fo all escape out the door.] Darn it!
SHIFU
Thank you. [Bows to Shirong.]
SHIRONG
I thank you, [Bows to Shifu.] and the people you've taught.
PO
Haha, sweet huh? [He nudges Tigress on the shoulder, making her angry.]
[Sometime later, at the Jade Palace, in front of the Hall of Warriors, Shirong prepares to leave.]
SHIRONG
I'll see you sooner this time, son. I promise. You know, I was correct those many years ago; this place was a worthier home to you than any I could ever could ever provide.
SHIFU
And that's why you left me here?
SHIRONG
Well that and, I was a jerk.
SHIFU
I have something for you. [He reaches in his shirt.] I hope you don't mind, I changed the picture.
[Shifu hands Shirong the golden locket. Shirong opens it revealing a portrait of Shifu and himself as they look now.]
SHIRONG
[Closes the locket.] Shifu, I can't possibly express the full drestitpercity of my… [He stops when he sees the look Shifu is giving him.] Yes.
[They hug and Shirong walks away. Po runs up to Shifu with his hands full of coins.]
PO
Shifu look, Shirong left me all then coins be tricked me out of.
SHIFU
That doesn't sound like my father. [He pulls out his money pouch.] Ahh, empty money pouch, that's my father. I knew I shouldn't've hugged him.
PO
Haha, well Shifu, it's like your old man said, "you are utterly provestrickable".
SHIFU
Po… I guess I am.
[End of Act 3]
[End of Transcript]