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Written here is the full transcript of the episode "Good Croc, Bad Croc" from the Nickelodeon television series Kung Fu Panda: Legends of Awesomeness. This transcript has been separated into three segments, indicated accordingly to the episode's commercial breaks.
Character dialogue lines were originally written by the episode's screenwriter, Scott Kreamer. Descriptions shown between italicized brackets were written by contributors of this article.
[The episode opens up in Mr. Ping's Noodle Shop, where Monkey is laughing. Mantis arrives.]
MANTIS: What's that Monkey?
MONKEY: Mantis, shh! [Shows Mantis his hand revealing a device.] Joy-luck buzzer. [Laughs.] I'm gonna zap Tigress with it.
MANTIS: Sure 'cause [Sarcastically.] how could that go wrong?
MONKEY: I know right. [Tigress arrives .] Tigress, my most trusted and loyal friend. [Holds out his hand.]
TIGRESS: [Sits down.] Joy-luck buzzer?
MONKEY: How did you know?
TIGRESS: Come on Monkey, what fool would fall for that?
[ Po arrives.]
PO: Hey everybody.
CUSTOMERS: Hey, Po!
MONKEY: Po, [Holds out his hand.] my most trusted and loyal friend.
PO: Monkey! [Grabs Monkey's hand and gets shocked.] Ow, my most annoying friend.
TIGRESS: Po, you are so gullible.
MONKEY: You can't talk to the Dragon Warrior that way, right? [Holds up his hand to Po.] Up high good sir!
PO: Thanks Mon-... [High fives Monkey and gets zapped then falls.]
MONKEY: [Laughs.] Sorry. [Sticks out his hand to help up Po.]
PO: That's okay M-... [Grabs Monkey's hand and gets zapped.]
[The customers and Monkey laugh.]
[The scene changes to Po walking on a path away from the town.]
PO: Gullible? I'm not gullible. They're gullible if they think I'm gullible. [Walks up to a sign that's pointing to his right.] Yeah, so there. [He walks to his right and falls down a pit.] Oh, great! [Stands up.] Uh, hello! Anybody hear me? [Jumps but the pit is too deep.] Well played hole, well played. [Stands around and hums for a while before being silent for a few seconds.] Sneak attack! [He kicks the side of the hole and some rocks land on him from above. He gets out of the debris and begins climbing out.] Come on... You almost got it. [He comes to a point where he is doing the splits.] Oh darn. [He stays stuck for a few seconds and then flips upside down. Some footsteps approach.] Hello, anybody there?!
VOICE: Grab a hold of the rope [Lowers a rope.] and I'll pull you out.
PO: Oh, just a little bit... [Grabs the rope and begins getting pulled out by the unknown person.] Just keep pulling. It's almost there. Stuck on the ridge. [Gets out.]
VOICE: Man you are not small!
PO: I prefer the term husky-capable. [Looks up.] Croc bandit!
[Po's rescuer is revealed to be Fung the croc bandit.]
FUNG: Dragon Warrior.
[Po begins attacking Fung and quickly pins him by sitting in him.]
FUNG: Aw, guy what are you doin'?! Did I like punch you in the face or somethin'? No, I got you out of a hole.
PO: Yeah, so you could rob me, croc bandit. [Puts all his weight on Fung.]
FUNG: Why do people always... Look, I'm not just a bandit okay. I'm also a son, a friend, an amateur arsonist, and I have an herb garden with like stuff in it. So whoa!
PO: Yeah, you did help me. Sorry. [Gets off of Fung.]
FUNG: [Gets up.] It's alright forget about it. Hey, name's Fung, and you're welcome, Dragon Warrior.
PO: Thanks, I owe you one.
[Later in the Jade Palace Hall of Warriors.]
TIGRESS: You trusted a Croc Bandit?!
PO: Uh, yeah, I mean I didn't have much of a choice, although, I was this close to out smarting that hole.
MONKEY: If he showed up here I'd... [Cuts a block of wood and plants two swords in it.]
TIGRESS: [Laughs.] That's nothing, I'd... [Kicks a weapons stand and send spears flying.]
MANTIS: What about you Po?
PO: I'd... [Someone knocks on the door.]
[Po opens the door revealing it to be Fung.]
FUNG: [Peeks inside.] Whoa, you live here? [Po pushes out Fung, but he still peeks inside.] Is your dad like rich or something? There must be like a hundred bathrooms in here. [Po blocks him from looking in, but he goes down to the floor and looks inside.] I mean that flooring, that stuff's not cheap, it's like totally custom, look at it!
TIGRESS: Po, who's there?
PO: Fung, it's the Furious Five, if they find you, your dead meat! [Grabs Fung and goes outside and around the corner.]
[Tigress comes outside with a sword. Po stands around the corner and keeps Fung's mouth shut. Tigress goes back inside.]
PO: What are you doing here?!
FUNG: I need your help.
PO: Help you? I can't do that. You're a bandit, a bad guy. You know, steal things. Why in the world would I help you?!
FUNG: You owe me one.
FUNG: Hey, your words guy, you owe me one, I mean unless like the Dragon Warrior's word doesn't mean anything.
PO: Oh, okay, what?
FUNG: My brother was kidnapped by Jong Sung Jai Kai Chow
PO: Sung Jong Jai Kai Chow?
FUNG: Jong Sung Jai Kai Chow.
PO: Sung Jong Jai Kai Chow
FUNG: Jong Sung...
PO: ...Jai Kai...
FUNG: Chow. [Laughs.] If I don't rescue him soon he's a goner.
PO: Hmm. [Looks at Fung suspiciously.]
FUNG: It's true guy you gotta believe me! See...
[A 2-D animation sequence begins. A tall and skinny crocodile is surrounded by happy young crocodiles.]
FUNG (Voice Over): My brother was taking some of his croclets on a hike in the southern region of the Valley of Peace. He's like totally into nature and junk.
[The croc walks off into a darker area.]
FUNG (V.O.): He must've accidentally strayed onto Jong Sung...
PO (V.O.): Jai Kai...
FUNG (V.O.): Chow's land, because before you know it, these bloodthirsty guards, conked him on the head.
[A rhino and a buffalo hit the croc and drag him away to a dark castle.]
FUNG (V.O.): And dragged him off, never to return. [Sobs.]
[End of 2-D animated sequence.]
FUNG: Now do ya' believe me guy?
PO: [Sobs.] Maybe. Why can't you ask your gang to help you.
FUNG: What?! Come on, face it, they're nitwits. I need help, professional help. I need Dragon Warrior help.
PO: I don't know Fung.
FUNG: [Looks at Po with a sad expression.] I got no where else to go. [Grabs Po.] My brother [Sobs.] is lost [Sobs.] and alone [Sobs.] and locked up and... [Sobs. Po knocks Fung down.] You have to trust me Po. [Crawls up to Po.] I... My brother, [Sobs.] he needs you, please, will you help me [Sobs.] Dragon Warrior. [Grabs Po's feet.]
[End of Act 1]
[Po and Fung travel to Jong's Land.]
FUNG: I can't thank you enough for helping me get my brother Po. [Moves a branch that's in the way.]
PO: Happy to... [The branch whips back into place and hits Po in the face.] I'm happy... [Another branch hits him in the face.] I'm happy to... [Gets hit by another branch. Angry.] I'm happy to help! [Gets hit by another branch, knocking him down.]
[Fung stops walking.]
FUNG: Uh, uh, hmm... [Checks the wind with his finger.]
PO: What why'd we stop?
FUNG: What? No, um, no reason. I was just, you know, getting my bearings and stuff. Um, [Points up.] is that north?
PO: You don't know where we are?!
FUNG: Here check the map. [Hands Po a scroll.]
PO: This is all of China!
FUNG: Uh, you know, my brother's in here somewhere. [Points all over the map.] So, just, you know. [Pats Po on the back.]
PO: I'm out here risking my neck for you, and you don't even know where we're going! Wow, this is weird; I've never been the guy yelling at the other guy after the bad thing happens.
FUNG: [Begins walking.] Yeah well don't get use-... [Walks into a sign and falls.]
PO: [Walks up to the sign and reads it.] Jong Sung Jai Kai Chow's land. No trespassing. Anyone caught will have their heads boiled with cabbage and have their earlobes stretched around their heads and continued... [Po becomes confused.] Continued? Oh, continued. [Walks to the other side of the sign and continues reading.] ...and their earlobes stretched around their heads. See diagram. [Cringes.] Eww!
FUNG: At least we found Jong's Land.
[They bump into a rhino guard.]
RHINO GUARD 1: Yes you did. [More rhino guards come out of a nearby hut. They stand behind a bamboo gate that acts as the border.] Prepare to have your heads boiled with cabbage, your earlobes...
PO: Yeah, we read the sign. [Gasps.] Look! [Points down.]
[The rhino looks down. Po uses the bamboo gate to hit the rhino in the face. The rhino goes flying back into another rhino. Several other rhino guards rush at Po, but he quickly knocks them down by swinging the bamboo gate. One rhino rushes at Po. Po uses the bamboo gate to go in the air and avoid being axed. He then comes down on the rhino's head and sits on him. Po gets off of the rhino and gets into a fight with two more rhinos. He dodges several attacks and then calls Fung.]
PO: Hey uh, feel free to jump in anytime.
FUNG: But you're doing really great.
[A rhino approaches Fung from behind and holds up an axe.]
[Po kicks the two rhinos, grabs one of their axes and throws it at the rhino behind Fung. The axe knocks the weapon out of the rhino's hand and Po goes over and attacks him.]
FUNG: That was like awesome guy! I knew I couldn't do this without the Dragon Warrior!
PO: I got your back Fung, but when I agreed to help you, I didn't realize I'd be doing all the, you know, dangerous stuff!
FUNG: Gall! [Throws helmet on the ground.] Hey guy, if you're not happy with the way I'm running things, maybe you'd like to be in charge. You know, there's a lot of pressure, being the leader Po. You know, because like, you know, when you lead, you have to like stand in front of everybody and point with your finger at like... You really have to... do things like, if you point, right? If you just point at one thing, like people are lookin' straight at you, and you have to make sure that your pointing is beli-... Listen it's just hard okay! [Crosses his arms and looks away from Po.] Gaw! Who'm I kidding? All I do is make mistakes.
PO: Come on that's not true.
FUNG: It is. This one time, when I was working for my dad, I accidentally glued a terracotta warrior to his face, and now he can only grow a mustache on one side. I had to become a bandit; it's the only thing I'm good at.
PO: So, you're good at it?
FUNG: Not really. [Sits down and groans.]
PO: Hey, don't get so down on yourself. [Walks over .] I mean, look at me, you found me in a hole.
FUNG: True. Don't you hate it when you mess up?!
PO: Yeah! And you have to spend all your free time trying to fix it.
FUNG: Yeah totally! And then like, you have to like bury somebody up to their neck.
PO: Yeah! [Gets confused.] Or at least uh, clean up the mess.
FUNG: It's the same thing.
PO: And me becoming the Dragon Warrior was all because of my mistakes. I made so many mistakes that Shifu actually tried to drum me out of the Jade Palace.
FUNG: [Laughs.] Loser! [Points at Po.]
PO: [Laughs.] Good for nothin'! [Points at Fung.]
FUNG: Doofis! [Points at Po.]
PO: Lame brain! [Points at Fung.]
FUNG: [Sing-song voice.] Dim wit panda!
PO: Moron alligator!
[Fung begins laughing, but then stops and stare at Po blankly.]
FUNG: Crocodile, I'm a crocodile; totally different snout.
PO: Oh, okay sorry.
[The scene cuts to the two arriving at Jong's Palace.]
FUNG: The palace! We did it!
PO: See, I told you we'd find it! So, fearless leader what's your ingenious plan?
FUNG: Right, [Opens a scroll.] check it out. Okay, first of all, I distract this guy over here. [Points to one of many red dots which represent guards.]
PO: Cool, what do I do?
FUNG: Okay, then you overpower these guards here and here. After that you shimmy up this wall, take out the archers here, here, here, and here, [Po begins getting worried.] after you disable the giant crossbow somewhere around here, you sneak into the palace, open this side door here. Easy peasy lemon squeezy, guy.
PO: Yeah. Exactly what will you be doing while I'm doing all of this uh, other stuff?
FUNG: Um, watching the master work.
[Po smiles and goes ahead with the plan. He gets behind two rhino guards and smashes their heads together. Po then gets on the roof and knocks out all the archers. Two guards charge Po. Fung views the fight from the ground and the two guards fall close by. Po comes out of a nearby door.]
FUNG: That was like truly an incredible display of...
PO: You want the Dragon Warrior, you got the Dragon Warrior.
[Fung laughs in an awkward manner. The two enter the palace with very poor disguises; Po wearing an archery bow on his head like horns and holding Fung like a prisoner.]
PO: This is never gonna work, no one's gonna believe that I'm a guard and you're a prisoner.
FUNG: Not with that attitude. Make it look good; hit me or somethin'. [Po flicks Fung on the elbow. They pass two guards.] Hey, quit hitting me, guard.
PO: Just doing my guard job. [The two guards smile at Po.]
[They approach a door that is guarded by two guards at the end of a corridor.]
FUNG: Look, that must be where they're holding my brother.
[They approach the guards.]
PO: Sup' guys, got a trespasser here, but I was... all out of... cabbage water. So, I brought him here.
BUFFALO GUARD 1: You shouldn't be back here with a prisoner.
RHINO GUARD 2: Where's your uniform?
PO: Oh, yeah, I had a wee bit of a chafing issue so I uh... [Attacks the guards and quickly knocks them out.] Teach you to be a fashion critic.
FUNG: Hand me one of those crates. I'll sneak my bro out in it.
PO: Your brother's gonna fit in here?
FUNG: It's a... gland thing. I'll go in while you keep a look out. [Goes inside.]
[Po stands outside of the door. Crashing sounds can be heard in the room, followed by a scream and some more crashes. Po picks his nose and then looks at his finger.]
[Po then shrugs his shoulders and starts to put his finger in his mouth. Just then Fung runs out of the room with the crate.]
FUNG: Lets go!
[Po and Fung run down the corridor.]
PO: Which way? This way?
[The two run outside. Po's disguise falls off in the door way.]
RHINO GUARD 3: Intruders, close the gate!
[The two toward the gate, which begins closing. Po bumps into a Takin, Jong.]
PO: Oops, pardon!
[They encounter two more guards by the gate, but Po quickly takes them out. They arrive at the gate, but it is nearly closed. Po gets under it and holds it open.]
PO: Go Fung, go, I got it! [Fung gets out and keeps running. Po starts getting out but his tail get crushed under the gate.] Ow! Tail! Tail!
GUARD: They're getting away, after them. Open the gate!
[Fung runs back to help Po, and is able to get him free.]
PO: You and your brother better get outta here Fung!
FUNG: I couldn't've done it without you, thanks Po.
PO: Sure thing, loser. [Laughs.]
FUNG: [Laughs.] Sucker! [Runs away.]
[Po begins running. Later at the Jade Palace, Po sings while going up the stairs.]
PO: [Singing.] Dragon Warrior, freein' the croc, he didn't knock, just broke the lock, oh, what a shock, [Gets to the top of the stairs.] to Jong Sung Jai Kai Chow! [Shifu stops Po.] What?
SHIFU: Maybe you can shed some light on. [Two guards show up.] These guards are from Jong's Palace, they say you broke in earlier today with a crocodile bandit?
PO: You bet I did, and I'd do it again, because [Starts singing.] I'm the Dragon Warrior, freein' the... [The guards shackle Po.]
RHINO GUARD 4: You're coming with us for the kidnapping of Jong's son.
PO: His son? Wait a minute, I wasn't kidnapping, I was un-kidnapping, Fung's brother.
SHIFU: Fung has no brother. The person you helped sneak out of the palace was Jong's son.
PO: What?! [The guards begin taking him away.]
SHIFU: I'm sorry Po, you must go back and face these charges.
PO: But, this isn't right, I... Noooo!
[End of Act 2]
[Po is shackled to a wall and guarded by two rhino guards. Jong boils a pot of water.]
JONG: Where's my son!
PO: I'd tell you if I knew, but I don't! You gotta believe me, this is all a big misunderstanding.
JONG: [Tastes from the boiling pot.] Good news my friend, the cabbage is almost ready.
PO: Great, serve it up 'cause I am star-... [Jong quickly turns and scorns Po.] Oh, you meant the cabbage for the head boil-age. Second thought uh, I'm good.
JONG: [Walks over to Po.] You dare break into my palace and steal my son?!
PO: But you don't understand, it wasn't me, it was the croc bandit!
JONG: [Paces away from Po.] Oh, so he overpowered my guards.
PO: Um, no technically that was me.
JONG: Oh, so he defeated my archers and disabled my catapult.
PO: Yeah, also me but, [Sighs out of frustration.] there was a context.
JONG: Oh, my friend, I saw with my own eyes, you help your fellow bandit escape with my boy!
PO: I see your [The guards start pushing their spears toward Po.] point-s. But I'm the Dragon Warrior, I wouldn't, knowingly, take your son.
JONG: Got anyone to back you up on that story?
PO: Well I... No, not here. Fung sorta left me, in the lurch. [Chuckles.] Yeah, I got no one.
JONG: I'm beginning to think you are not my friend, my friend!
[Fung runs to the rest of his gang holding the crate with Jong's son.]
JONG'S SON: Hey, let me out, it's bouncy! Stop it!
CROC BANDIT 1: Intruders!
FUNG: What! [The gang of crocodiles piles on Fung.] Darn it! [A bandit bites Fung's tail.] Ow! Hey, quit it! It's me Fung! [Stands up, but the crocodiles cause him to fall back down and go tumbling into a wooden post.] What's a matter with... [ Gahri hits Fung with the side of an axe.] Ow! Gary!
GAHRI: Uh, sorry, got caught up in the moment. And it's "Gahri."
[Fung pushes Gahri down.]
CROC BANDIT 1: That Jong's gonna pay a fortune to get his kid back!
GAHRI: So, the Dragon Warrior fell in the hole? [Laughs.]
[The crate starts shaking and Jong's son yells, so Fung puts his hand on the crate.]
FUNG: Yeah guys, I mean, it all went down just like I said it would.
GAHRI: And now he's gonna take the fall for the whole caper. I heard that Jong's men arrested him.
FUNG: They did?! Well he's the whole reason I was able to do this, I mean, he fought off the guards, he snuck me in. He held the gate so I could get out and now he's probably... Aw man! Having his head boiled with cabbage and earlobes stretched around his head and-- continued.
GAHRI: And it's all because of Fung. Way to go Fung!
[Fung sighs as the bandits cheer. Back in Jong's Dungeon, Po panics.]
PO: You're making a mistake!
JONG: Relax my friend, I've decided to dispense with the boiling cabbage water.
PO: Oh, great 'cause I...
JONG: Cabbage water is too good for you! Bring in the devices. [Two buffalo guards bring in a rack with several weapons on it.] I'll even let you pick the method of your torture my friend.
PO: [Jong puts his hand over an axe.] Uh, not crazy about that one. [Jong puts his hand over a bamboo staff.] Uh, na, no, no keep it movin'. [Jong puts his hand over a feather.] Uh, that one.
JONG: Excellent choice.
[Jong picks up the feather and reveals that it is actually just a small piece to a larger mechanism with sharp points and drills on it, much to Po's dismay.]
PO: What exactly does that thing do?!
JONG: I can't wait to find out. [Activates the device and a sharp drill covered in spikes starts spinning. He approaches Po with it.]
PO: Wait! There's something you should know.
JONG: What's that my friend?
PO: This! [Does a dramatic spinning kick at the weapon, but only manages to knock the feather off of it.] Man, in my head that was gonna be so much cooler.
JONG: Now, where were we. [Reactivates the weapon.]
PO: Wait! Again uh, it wasn't my idea, it was...
JONG: This mysterious crocodile bandit you spoke of. Yes I know, and where is he now exactly?
PO: [Sighs.] Prob'ly a million miles away sucking on a coconut with a little umbrella stickin' out of it.
[A spear flies at Po's shackles.]
FUNG: Darn it! [Two more weapons fly at the shackles and break them. Fung walks in with a crate, and a bow-as-horns disguise.] Actually, I'm allergic to coconuts.
[Fung opens his arms for a hug, but Po starts fighting him.]
PO: You tricked me! I trusted you, and you left me to get feather thingy attached to the scary weird thing-ed. Not cool! [Hits Fung.]
FUNG: What? [Grabs a mace.] I came back to save you!
PO: There's nothing you could do or say that would make me believe that! [Grabs the crate and holds it up to hit Fung.]
FUNG: How 'bout, bringin' the kid back?
[The crate opens revealing Jong's son.]
JONG'S SON: Papa! [Runs over to Jong.]
JONG: [Picks up his son and hugs him.] Are you okay my friend?
JONG'S SON: Yes papa.
PO: Fung, you came back for me.
FUNG: Course I did. You help me, I help you. [Chuckles.] We losers gotta stick together.
PO: Yeah, it's actually a good way to win.
FUNG: Hey, [Comes forward.] hey, right here, I'm the guy you're lookin' for. It was me, not Po, let 'em go.
JONG: Cease them!
[Guards begin approaching Po and Fung.]
FUNG: Wait a minute, what? I didn't say I was stayin'.
JONG: Now those idiots will pay for what they have done!
[Jong's son blows a raspberry and they leave. The guards surround Po and Fung. The two then knock out the guards and run away. They run through a doorway and Fung's bow disguise gets caught in the doorway and causes him to fall. Po then trips and lands on him.]
FUNG: Aw, guy!
[They continue running and come to two more guards. Po quickly takes them out and they continue running.]
PO: Down here? [They go down stairs and through a corridor and come to the same two guards, who are starting to get up. Po quickly downs them again. They continue running and go down the same stairs.] Come on, we got out of here once!
[They run through the corridor again and pass the same two guards. The guards immediately surrender.]
FUNG: 'Sup guys?
[They finally arrive outside. Po gets tripped by a guard and the guard starts closing in on him but Fung attacks him and stops him. Po gets into a fight with another guard, then Fung gets into a fight with another guard close by. Fung dodges several spear thrusts from the guard and then he bites the spear and whips the guard with his tail, knocking him out. Po is able to grab the other guards spear and knock him out. Po and Fung then run for the exit.]
GUARD: Close the gate! Archers, fire!
[Arrows come raining down on Po and Fung. Fung jumps on Po out of fear. Po runs straight towards a catapult.]
[Po trips and rolls into the catapult. It goes off and nearly hit the archers. Po and Fung get brawl with the two guards around the catapult. They tangle the guards up in the mechanism and run toward the gate. By this time the gate is nearly closed and Fung goes under it and tries to keep it open while Po crawls out. Two guards then drag the two back into the courtyard and the gate closes. The guards corner them. A crowd of guards surrounds the two with weapons. Slow clapping is heard behind the crowd. Jong comes forward clapping.]
JONG: Very impressive my friends, but what you failed to realize is...
[Po pulls the rope on a nearby catapult. The catapult rolls into Jong and his guards and breaks the gate open. Po and Fung run out of the palace, screaming. Later, they stop, out of breath.]
FUNG: Did they... Did they follow us?
PO: [Gasping for air.] I don't think so, we... [Gasp.] We made it.
FUNG: I gotta go, explain to the guys what happened, so if you want to beat me up some more, now's the time.
PO: Nah, I think I got that out of my system. But the guys are gonna have to wait. First I gotta take you to jail. [Grabs Fung's arm.]
FUNG: What? [Gets out of Po's grasp.] Why?
PO: Well you did sort of take a kid and then try to pin it on me.
FUNG: [Silent for a few seconds and then agrees.] Guess you got a point there. Okay Dragon Warrior, [Sticks out his arm.] come and get me. [Po walks toward Fung and falls down a hole.] Nice workin' with you Po, take her easy. [Runs away.]
PO: So hole, we meet again.
[End of Act 3]
[End of Transcript]