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Written here is the full transcript of the episode "Hall of Lame" from the Nickelodeon television series Kung Fu Panda: Legends of Awesomeness. This transcript has been separated into three segments, indicated accordingly to the episode's commercial breaks.
Character dialogue lines were originally written by the episode's screenwriter, Kevin Seccia. Descriptions shown between italicized brackets were written by contributors of this article.
[The episode opens up with Po and the Furious Five training in the Training Hall Courtyard.]
TIGRESS: Now concentrate, Po.
TIGRESS: The belief that you can do something is the key to actually doing it.
PO: Yeah, havin' a little trouble with that.
PO: Tigress, how am I gonna leap through this hole?
[Po walks over to a small hole in a wooden board and looks through it.]
MANTIS: Uh, I did it.
PO: Mantis, you can leap through a keyhole.
MONKEY: I did it.
PO: Monkey, you're all limber, and bendy, and monkey-ish.
TIGRESS: I did it.
PO: You did?!
TIGRESS: Yes, because I believed I could.
[Po glances over to the hole.]
PO: Okay, here it comes. Dragon Warrior style.
[Po backs away from the board.]
PO: Through the hole, all slippity-slip and slankity-slank!
[Po charges toward the board.]
[Po gets distracted and slams into the board, breaking it. Tigress, Monkey, and Mantis cringe.]
PO: That was... Awesome!
[Po picks up the pieces of wood that formed the hole and sticks his head through the hole.]
PO: Yes! Made it! Tigress, you were right.
TIGRESS: Not quite the technique I was thinking of.
PO: Okay, a little messy, a little sloppy, but done. Check. Strike it through. Who's the Dragon Warrior?
SHIFU: You are, which is why I want to know if you have your trophy picked out.
PO: I'm getting a trophy?! Yes!
[Po starts dancing with joy.]
SHIFU: No. You haven't forgot about the Warrior Ceremony, have you?
[Po stops dancing.]
SHIFU: I've been reminding you to select a trophy for the Hall of Heroes for weeks now.
PO: What? Me? Forget? Never.
SHIFU: Good, I look forward to your selection. Since the dawn of time every great warrior has donated one item that bespeaks his or her legacy.
PO: I'm just whittling it down for my top ten. It's hard to pick 'cause so many things... bespeak of me.
SHIFU: Good. The entire village is turning out for the festival. See you at sundown.
[Shifu walks away. Po yells.]
MONKEY: You totally forgot about it, didn't you.
PO: That obvious? Hmm, let's hope the village shop isn't all out of awesome legacy-making fire swords, in a size sixteen.
TIGRESS: Uh, Po, the trophy has to be earned through heroic deeds.
PO: Right... Now, this rule, optional?
PO: What I'm asking you is: can I not do that rule?
MANTIS: I KNOW WHAT OPTIONAL MEANS!
[Tigress and Monkey exchange glances on account of Mantis' sudden outburst.]
PO: I was hoping you were bluffing. [sigh] What am I gonna do?!
TIGRESS: Perhaps you should look in the Hall of Heroes for inspiration.
PO: Sweet idea, Tiggidy.
[Tigress scowls at Po.]
PO: Right. Ix-nay on the icksnames nay.
[Po goes over to the Hall of Warriors. He immediately finds something that catches his interest.]
PO: Whoa, such an awesome...
[ Zeng walks by and hangs his hat on the artifact.]
PO: ...hat rack. I knew that.
[Po walks to another object.]
[A 2-D animated sequence begins. Po wears the helmet. Many arrows fly toward Po but are stopped by the helmet. A giant boulder falls on the helmet, breaking on impact. End of 2-D animated sequence
Po prepares to touch the helmet, until he looks over to a tapestry with a picture of himself preparing to touch the helmet with a No symbol around it. Po runs over to another object.]
PO: [Gasp] The Crossbow of All-Knowing!
[A 2-D animated sequence begins. Po fires the Crossbow of All-Knowing. The arrow goes around mountains and through a valley. The arrow goes around a rock and hits someone. End of 2-D animated sequence.]
PO: All-Knowing, I wonder if that means it knows what I'm thinking.
[The crossbow fires an arrow which hits a column and bounces back towards Po. Po dodges the arrow by flipping upside down.]
[Po gets up and runs over to another artifact.]
PO: [Gasp] The Whooping Sun Diamond Blade.
[A 2-D animated sequence begins. Po swings the sword around and it slices off the tops of mountains. End of 2-D animated sequence.]
PO: I need something like this, majestic, and awesome, but not too awesome, just awesome enough where maybe people think you don't know you're awesome, but you do. You totally do.
[Po winks at his reflection in the sword. Po backs away and accidentally bump into the Urn of Whispering Warriors, breaking it. A green mist comes out of the broken urn.]
PO: Can't we find a higher shelf for that thing?
[The mist starts following Po.]
PO: I'm going! I'm going.
[Po goes to the Student Barracks.]
PO: My trophy's gotta top all that stuff. Need something like...
[Po enters his room and looks around.]
PO: Nothing I've ever owned. Ooh, a shield!
[Po picks up the "shield" and a dumpling falls off of it.]
PO: Right, my lucky breakfast platter.
[Po eats a dumpling off of the plate.]
PO: [Gasp] My room at the Noodle Shop.
[Po goes to his room at the Noodle Shop. He finds a spoon in a drawer and plays with it like a weapon.]
[Po tosses the spoon away. The spoon hits Mr. Ping.]
PO: Dad, do we have any weapons laying around? Like some glorious battle ax that a traveling warrior gave you as thanks for a meal.
MR. PING:' Hmm, actually...
MR. PING: Once a sheep, with a mighty spear, could not afford to pay for his noodles, so I fed him for free and as thanks he...
PO: Gave you the mighty spear?!
MR. PING: Uh, no. He drew me this picture.
[Mr. Ping holds up a drawing of him standing next to a sheep with a spear.]
PO: Aw! Wait, you gave someone a free meal?
MR. PING: Well, we all make mistakes.
[Po proceeds to walk through the village.]
PO: Awesome weapons. Awesome weapons. Where would I be if I were an awesome weapon? Where would I...
[Po sees a water buffalo with a sword.]
PO: This looks suspicious, and awesome, and perfect for my trophy, but mostly suspicious.
HAN: Excuse me, Mr. Dragon Warrior.
PO: Oh, hey. Hi there. I kinda gotta go.
HAN: But, I need a...
PO: Uh, yeah, I do know Tigress, and she is awesome. See ya'.
[Po runs off.]
PO: You there!
[Po halts the buffalo.]
PO: Halt, evil doer! Since you are obviously up to no good, I shall defeat you and take that nifty sword as my spoils.
HENRY: Very well, if you want the sword, you'll get the sword.
[Po takes a stance as Henry reaches for the sword. Henry grabs the sword and gives it to Po.]
HENRY: Here I bought it on a whim, but it's just not me.
PO: What?! No, I mean, you stole it. Fight me so I can earn it in the name of honor and do-gooder-ship-ness.
HENRY: Stole, no, I bought it, I even have the receipt.
[Henry hands Po the receipt.]
HENRY: I also bought some candy [laughs]. Just don't tell my wife, I'm not supposed to be eating that junk.
PO: So, you're not even a little evil.
HENRY: You heard the part about the candy, right?
HENRY'S WIFE: (Distant) Henry!
[Henry walks away. A bell rings.]
PO: The two o'clock bell. I'm running out of time here!
HAN: Uh, sir...
PO: Oh, sorry kid, what can I do ya' for?
PO: [Gasp] Hold that thought!
[Po runs over to a goat who is holding a bow and arrow.]
PO: You look like a bad guy, wanna try to rob me with that awesome bow and arrow?!
[The goat runs away. Po scares off villagers by trying to start fights.]
PO: Wanna fight?! How 'bout you? Battle of wits? Coin flip? Invent a game then play it?
[Po tries to calm himself down.]
PO: Aw, don't panic. I'm a cool, blue cloud. I'm a cool, blue cloud. Ah, better. Maybe no one will notice if I...
GOAT: Hey Po, can't wait to see that trophy tonight.
PIG: We expect to be dazzled.
HAN: Now will you help me?!
PO: Look, I really would, but I have a serious time crunch here,
HAN: It's just... It's just that I really need help with Xian Xang!
PO: Xian Xang?! Let me guess, he's an evil, ax-wielding warlord?!
[A 2-D animated sequence begins. A giant buffalo approaches the village.]
PO (Voice Over): He travels the land, scaring humble people folk. Driving them from their homes with his bodaciously glorious weaponry.
[The buffalo holds up weapons.]
PO (V.O.): Axes, swords, and catapults with little flag thingies on them. Waiting to be defeated by a great warrior!
[Po comes down wearing a golden cape and rice hat. He beats up the buffalo.]
PO (V.O.): Who is gloriously rewarded for his efforts!
[Po stands triumphantly, holding an ax and a sword. End of 2-D animated sequence. Po stands triumphantly.]
HAN: Not exactly, I need help saving him, from those guys!
[Han points to two buffalo, one who looks into a house and another who pushes someone down.]
HAN: We gotta get to Xian before they do!
[Po picks up Han and begins running.]
PO: Which way?!
[The two buffalo begin following Po. One of them knocks down a pig as he runs after Po. They hide behind a cart as the two buffalo pass by. They run off once the two buffalo pass. The two buffalo turn back and continue following Po and Han. Po picks up Han and continues running. As they round a corner, Po knocks down some fruits, which trips one of the buffalo. They continue chasing Po as he nears a dead end; a group of villagers is moving a cart across the walkway and blocking Po. Po appears troubled at first, but as he nears the cart, he gains confidence, jumping through the opening above the cart and landing on the other side. The two buffalo end up slamming into the cart and falling over, letting Po escape. One of the buffaloes looks up and growls. Po and Han continue traveling, passing through various landscapes.]
PO: Okay, where is he? Where?! Where?!
[Han points up to a stuffed rabbit doll hanging at the top of a bamboo tree.]
PO: Xian Xang is your stuffed rabbit doll?
PO: [Sigh] Does he at least wield an ax?
HAN: He has buttons for his eyes.
PO: Well that's... nothing. Look...
HAN: Never mind. Sorry. I guess... I guess I thought you helped people.
PO: But I gotta get the...
[Han starts frowning and looking away.]
PO: I'm really running out of time and...
[Han continues frowning.]
[Han gasps with excitement.]
PO: Alright... Up we go.
[Po starts climbing the tree.]
PO: (Struggling) Gotta... We just gotta reach in there... Just gotta climb up here... Climbing.
PO: One sec!
HAN: Po it's the...
PO: I'm close!
[Po reaches the top of the tree and it starts bending down until he is at ground level, revealing several rhinos and buffaloes ready to attack Po.]
PO: Hey... Caught up with us, did ya'. Kudos. Thought we lost you back in the... bog.
[Han runs by and takes the doll.]
[The bamboo tree snaps back up, flinging Po deep into the forest. A loud thud is heard in the distance. The rhinos and buffaloes surround Han.]
[End of Act 1]
GRIM: Hand it over, or we hurt you, and the doll.
HAN: Never! You leave Xian alone!
GRIM: My boss wants this, and what the boss wants, the boss gets.
[Grim reaches to take the doll.]
[Much to Han's joy, Po arrives and starts fighting off the bandits. He fights off several bandits before blocking and holding Grim by the arms.]
GRIM: This isn't your fight, panda!
PO: Then how am I winning i-...
[Grim falls on his back, throwing Po into a bamboo tree. Po hangs upside down in the tree. Three bandits charge towards Po.]
PO: Come on, Po, just one little sit-up.
[Po does a sit-up, dodging a rhino's attack and causing him to get his horn stuck in the tree. As Po sits at the top of the tree, it starts falling. Po eventually grabs the tree and uses it to hit one of the bandits.]
[Grim captures Han and takes the doll.]
PO: Let the kid go!
[Grim drops Han, angering Po. Po uses the tree to knock out the last bandit, then he charges toward Grim. Grim throws a rope trap at Po, incapacitating him.]
PO: That was a cheap shot.
GRIM: It's my specialty.
[Grim walks away.]
HAN: Don't let him get Xian, Po!
PO: Getting around to that!
GRIM: Later, panda.
[Po struggles to get out of the ropes.]
HAN: Should I cut you loose?
PO: (Struggling) No, I got this. It's nothing, I just gotta... break the... (sigh) Okay.
[Po is freed.]
PO: There we go.
HAN: So, what's the plan?
PO: I'm thinkin' second lunch, and then keep lookin' for my trophy.
HAN: No! I mean, what's the plan for us?! We have to get Xian back.
PO: I would love to help you, but (sigh) you're okay, and right now, my trophy trumps your doll. Sorry, kid.
[Po starts walking off.]
HAN: But... it was a gift from my dad. It was the last thing he gave me before he disappeared.
[Po stops and turns around.]
PO: Your dad... disappeared?
HAN: Yes, and if you won't help me, I'll go alone! Go get your dumb trophy! I don't need your dumb help! Dummy!
[Han storms off. Po thinks and approaches Han.]
PO: Okay! First of all, ouch. Second of all, let's go get your doll.
[Han smiles and the two set off.
The scene changes to Po and Han sneaking through some bushes.]
HAN: [Gasp] There's Xian!
[Po covers Han's mouth. The camera pans, revealing Xian to be on the other side of a heavily guarded wooden bridge over a cliff.]
PO: Uh, are you sure you need that doll back?
[Han expresses displeasure at Po's comment and turns away, scowling.]
PO: Alright! We'll get the doll back. Just be cool. We'll bide our time. Wait for the moment.
[Po is startled when he turns and sees that Han has left and is about to cross the bridge.]
PO: This must be what putting up with me is like!
[Po sneaks over to a bush a grabs Han, nearly alerting a rhino guard.]
PO: I'll get Xian. You have to stay back here out of danger. I can't fight if I'm worried about you.
HAN: [Sigh] Okay.
[Han watches Po sneak past the guards, Po travels along the underside of the bridge. He looks down at the long plummet and nearly loses his confidence, but he ultimately decides to continue crossing the bridge. He slips on a support beam, crushing his crotch. He continues crawling forward. On the side of the bridge Po sees a long rope connected to a cage hanging far below. Han sees that Po makes it to the other side and decides to go over to him. Po sneaks among some supplies and behind a guards back. He is soon over near the doll and he quickly grabs it and runs off. As Po starts going back, a loud crashing sound is heard. Po turns around to see Han holding a vase. Han sets the vase down. Several guards spot Po.]
RHINO: He's got the doll!
[The guards run toward Po. Po picks up Han and swiftly kicks the tree guards. He starts running across the bridge, but he is cut off by a crowd of guards.]
GRIM: That's the boss' doll now. Give it back!
PO: What is it with this doll?
[Po examines the doll.]
PO: Does it wet itself? Or...
PO: Right. I wouldn't come any closer, or I'll throw it off the cliff!
[Po holds out the doll.]
PO: (Quietly) Don't worry I'm not gonna throw it off the cliff!
[Very slow clapping is heard from behind the guards. The guards make way revealing Jong.]
JONG: Nice try, my friend.
PO: Jong Sung Jai Kai Chow! Yes!
JONG: What with our adversarial past, I'm surprised you're happy to see me.
PO: I'm not, I'm happy I got your name right. Up high!
[Po holds up his hand.]
JONG: You're not going to do anything to that doll!
PO: Oh yeah? Why's that?
[Jong nods at a guard. The guard pulls up the cage.]
HAN SR.: Son!
[End of Act 2]
[Po glances at the doll.]
JONG: I'll tell you what, my friend, I'm in a generous mood, you give me the doll, I'll let the old man go.
HAN: Do it, Po
PO: No offense, kid, but I know this guy, not the best reputation when it comes to keeping promises
JONG: You have no choice, unless you want me to drop the cage, and what's in it, off the cliff.
[The guard supporting the cage drops it slightly.]
PO: No! Here, take it.
[Po holds out the doll.]
HAN SR.: No! It will give him immeasurable power!
PO: Really? Must be some doll.
JONG: Quit stalling! I need that for my collection.
PO: You have a doll collection?
JONG: Oh, my friend, it's not the doll, it's what's in the doll.
[Po rips the doll open. A glowing light shines from inside the doll.]
PO: Whoa! Do all dolls have these inside them?
[Po pulls out a dagger from the doll.]
PO: Awesome! This is exactly what I've been looking for! I'm gonna be a legend! Wait 'till they...
[Po glances over to Han and Han Sr. as they remain worried about the situation.]
[Po throws the dagger into the bridge.]
PO: A deal's a deal. Now, set the kid's dad free and take the trophy... Uh, weapon and go on your way.
[Jong picks up the dagger.]
JONG: You're a man of your word, my friend... What's that like? Drop the cage!
[The guard drops the cage.]
[Po grabs the rope before the cage can fall down the cliff. Po swings the cage up. The guard tries to attack Po, but he is crushed by the cage. Han runs over to his father.]
HAN SR.: Oh, my son.
[Han hugs his father.]
JONG: A very heroic feat, my friend. Too bad it'll be your last. Seems like a waste to have such an amazing weapon, without gettin' to uh... you know.
PO: Bring it, Jong Sung Jai Kai Chow! Yes, that's twice! Winner gets the dagger, loser gets a long name and a penchant for clapping slowly.
JONG: You may feel different when you see the dagger's full power, my friend.
[Jong strikes the dagger against the ground, creating a red shockwave. Lightning strikes the dagger, causing it to grow to the size of a sword.]
PO: Whoa, cool!
[Jong stands with the sword, ready to fight.]
PO: I didn't realize you were a fighter.
JONG: I dabble.
[Jong swing the sword, sending a wave of red energy towards Po, Han, and Han Sr. They dodge the wave, causing it to strike the cage.]
PO: Okay, way cooler.
[Po dodges another wave. The sword's energy strikes the railing of the bridge. Po jumps to dodge another wave. He ends up falling through the bridge. Jong approaches the hole.]
JONG: [Laughs] Oh, my friend, what you failed to realize was... Huh?
[Jong sees Po standing on a support beam under the bridge.]
[Po jumps out, delivering a punch to Jong's face.]
HAN AND HAN SR.: Po!
[Po fights off all of the guards before coming to a fight with Jong. Po is able to dodge Jong's sword attacks. He then kicks the dagger out of Jong's hands and throws Jong across the bridge. Po catches the dagger.]
PO: Man, will you look at this... Whoa!
[A rhino tackles Po, causing him to drop the dagger. The dagger lands in the bridge and begins glowing. Po and Jong race towards the dagger. The bridge caves in towards the middle, causing Po and Jong to slip. The two grab the dagger at the edge of the bridge and begin fighting over it.]
JONG: [Struggling] That the best you can do, my friend?
PO: No, this is.
[Po kicks Jong in the face. He then hits him several more times, knocking him out. Po grabs the dagger and holds it up triumphantly.]
[The remaining guards begin approaching Po, but stop as he points the dagger at them.]
GRIM: Enjoy the rest of your day.
[The guards leave, taking Jong with them.]
HAN: Go on home, doll thief!
PO: Pretty sweet, huh?
[Pieces of the bridge begin collapsing.]
HAN: The bridge!
HAN SR.: Watch out! No son!
[Han slips down the falling bridge, but his father catches him by the hand. Han drops his doll. The doll slides down the bridge and gets snagged.]
[Po slips down the bridge. He nearly falls but he is able to jump to the other side of the bridge. He hangs close by the doll and the dagger.]
HAN SR.: The sword!
HAN: The doll!
[Po tries to climb up, but the bridge breaks and he falls.]
HAN SR.: And the panda!
[Han and Han Sr. begin walking away. A while later, Po's hand reaches onto the cliff side and he climbs up.]
PO: Don't worry! I saved it.
[Po places the doll down.]
PO: Told you I would get it back.
[Han grabs the doll.]
HAN: Thank you, Po! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
[Han Sr. looks over the edge of the cliff.]
PO: Heh, sorry about that.
HAN SR.: Don't be. I do wish there was something we could give you to repay all that you have done for our family.
PO: No, no. It's okay.
HAN: I've got an idea.
[The scene changes to the warrior ceremony that evening. .]
PO: So without further ado, behold the most stupendous great warrior trophy ever!
[Po moves aside to reveal Xian Xang. Han and his father clap as the rest of the villagers leave. Monkey face palms. Shifu approaches Po.]
SHIFU: This? This is the trophy you want to be remembered by?
PO: You bet! In the end, I realized it's not how cool the thing is, it's the meaning behind it, so yes.
[Shifu begins smiling.]
SHIFU: You're learning, panda. You're learning.
[Shifu walks away.]
[End of Act 3]
[End of Transcript]