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Written here is the full transcript of the episode "Invitation Only" from the Nickelodeon television series Kung Fu Panda: Legends of Awesomeness. This transcript has been separated into three segments, indicated accordingly to the episode's commercial breaks.
[The episode opens with Po and Temutai fighting against each other in a bamboo forest. Eventually, Po pins down Temutai.]
Po: Your crime-doing days are over, Temutai! Time to pay the panda! [A gong rings from afar. Po gasps] The gong!
[The scene zooms far from the bamboo forest and into the outside of the Jade Palace. A Jade Palace servant is seen with a tiny gong nearby.]
Servant #1: Lunch!
[The scene cuts back to a distracted Po. He turns around and sees that Temutai has already distanced himself from Po.]
Temutai: Looks like you were wrong, Dragon Warrior! I laugh at you and I run away! [Temutai laughs and runs off to one direction aimlessly. A few seconds later, he goes the other way, still laughing as Po stands and watches him go.]
[The scene cuts to Po eating in the dining hall with Shifu and the Five.]
Shifu: You let Temutai get away?!
Po: [muffled with food] Of course I didn't. [pauses] Well, maybe. Sorta. A little bit. But it's not gonna happen next time. Next time I see Temutai, he's mine! And so is that mooncake!
[As Monkey is about to reach for a mooncake, Po stabs it and eats it.]
Po: Oh! Mm. Uh huh. [Po chews and pulls out a wet, brown glob from his mouth.] I'm sorry. Did you want that?
Monkey: Forget it.
[Po drops the glob back into his mouth and swallows it. Hu suddenly walks in.]
Hu: Ah, here you all are! I've been looking all over.
Shifu: [sarcastically] And you found us where we live. Imagine.
Hu: You all know Mrs. Yoon, my new secretary.
Mrs. Yoon: I know. I can't believe it either!
Hu: I have exciting news! Are you all sitting down? [Po, Shifu, and the Five look at Hu in disbelief.] Ah, so you are. Now then. Upper head district chief superior Superintendent Chang is going to be passing through the village, so I'm going to throw him a banquet!
Po: [spits food at Shifu] Awesome! A banquet! I've always wanted to go to one!
Hu: Invitations will be all sent out shortly, but I want to make certain you'll be in attendance! It's going to be a grand affair!
Po: Ooh, ooh, a grand affair! Did you hear that? This is gonna be great!
Shifu: I'm sorry, Constable Hu. But we don't normally attend banquets… for bureaucrats.
Hu: Oh, Chang's not just any bureaucrat! He's the bureaucrat! An absolute legend! [The scene cuts to 2D animation.] He began as the assistant to the assistant of the assistant to the assistant's assistant of bureaucratic affairs. It was there that he made an amazing discovery. You can't be blamed when things go wrong, if you never actually do anything! He was quickly promoted to a new position where he did nothing. Then was promoted again where he did nothing. And again. And again. And again. Until he had done so much nothing that he rose to the very top where he remains to this very day. [The scene cuts back to 3D animation.]
Mrs. Yoon: Oh! It's even better the second time!
Shifu: I'm sorry, Constable Hu. But the answer is still no.
Hu: Oh! But please! You have to! I need you! If you don't come, he might not approve my transfer!
Shifu: Transfer? [looks at Hu] Transfer?! Who said we're not coming? Of course we're coming!
The Five: Right!
Po: Woohoo! Yeah! Par-tay! Woo hoo hoo!
Shifu: We could even do a performance at the banquet if you like!
Hu: A perfor— oh, you'd do that for me?
Shifu: We'll do whatever it takes.
Hu: [hugs Shifu] I can't tell you how much this means to me! What chums you are! This banquet shall be the most sophisticated, elegant— [Before Hu can continue, he watches Po slowly slurp up soup that was spilled on the table.] Umm… dignified soiree the valley has ever seen.
Po: Hey! If you want, I can sit next to this Chang guy during dinner.
Po: [chuckles] Sure. I won't leave his side the whole night. [burps] So, uh… when are we gonna get those invitations again?
[Hu freezes in fear. The scene cuts to Po, Shifu, and the Five standing outside of the Training Hall.]
Shifu: If this banquet goes well, Constable Hu will be leaving us. No more of his permits, his endless forms, his constant meddling. We'll be free. [smiles and then pauses.] Therefore, the performance we do must be absolutely spectacular!
Mantis: How about the Blazing Wall of Fury?
Shifu: Too boring.
Monkey: Pinnacle of perfection?
Shifu: Oh, everybody does that one. We need something totally new. Something with zip! Zing! Pizzazz!
Tigress: Did he just say pizzazz?
Crane: And zip… and zing.
Po: Hey, I got it! I saw this group in the village do this thing once, and it was awesome!
Po: Okay. So this is called improv. You guys are gonna love this. It's hysterical! It's so funny. Okay like, okay. So, it’s, okay. You guys are gonna be the audience and give Shifu and I the suggestions.
Crane: Suggestions for what?
Po: For the little skit we're gonna do.
Shifu: I don't want to do a little skit.
Po: Are you kidding? They're gonna howl. Trust me. Howl. Here we go. [clears throat] Hey, everybody! How you all doing? [The Five give no response.] Great! We're going to do a skit based on—
Shifu: I don't want to do a skit.
Po: You're gonna be great. To start the hilarity, the first suggestion we need is a location.
Shifu: A location for what?
Po: For the skit we're gonna do.
Shifu: I don't want to do a skit.
Monkey: I thought this was supposed to be funny.
Po: We haven't done it yet!
Crane: Done what?
Po: The skit!
Shifu: I don't want to do a skit.
Po: Would you just—?!
Mantis: Rock quarry!
Mantis: That's my suggestion. For the location.
Po: A rock quarry? Seriously? Blech! How about a doctor's office?
The Five: Rock quarry!
Po: Fine, a rock quarry. Blech. [takes a few deep breaths]
Viper: When is this gonna be funny?
Po: I just started! Give it a second, all right? You're the ones who said rock quarry. [picks up imaginary rock] Hello, co-worker! [moves both hands to Shifu] Here's that rock you wanted.
[An awkward silence ensues.]
Monkey: Let's do pinnacle of perfection.
Tigress, Viper, Mantis: Yeah.
[Shifu and the Five walk away.]
Crane: Pinnacle of perfection.
Viper: Good idea.
Shifu: That's what we'll do.
[Po looks down in disappointment. The scene cuts to an unknown person using a spyglass to watch Po and the Five rehearse their dance routine and also to watch the villagers prepare for Hu’s party.]
Mrs. Yoon: Invitation! Invitation to the party!
Temutai: Ooh! A party? [looks away from spyglass] A party! Ha! No one throws a party without inviting Temutai, Warrior King of the Qidan!
[The scene cuts to Po and the Five finishing their rehearsal.]
Shifu: Excellent. Upper head district chief superior Superintendent Chang will be most impressed.
Crane: What time should we start heading down to the banquet?
Shifu: I believe the invitation said it started at six o’clock, so—
Po: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Constable Hu sent your invitation? You got it?
Shifu: Of course he did. We all got them.
[The Five murmur to each other in agreement.]
Monkey: Didn't you get yours?
[The scene cuts to Po meeting up with Hu in his office.]
Hu: [to Mrs. Yoon] And make sure Mr. Ping serves the dim sum first and then the— [Hu and Mrs. Yoon become surprised by Po’s presence, shy away from him, and whisper to each other.]
Po: I'd like to talk to Constable Hu.
Mrs. Yoon: I'll see if he's available.
Hu: [whispers] I told you to get rid of him.
Mrs. Yoon: [pauses] He's at the dentist.
Po: [points to Hu] Uh, he's right over there. [Mrs. Yoon tries to stand in Po’s way, but Po gently picks her up and continues.] Constable Hu. I uh…
Hu: Oh, uh, Po! Ha ha! When did you, uh, get here?
Po: Constable Hu, there seems to be a little problem with my invitation. I didn't actually get it. Yet.
Hu: Didn't get it? Ha ha, really? Well, that's odd. [stammers] Oh! I remember now. Uh, you're not invited.
[Mrs. Yoon cries behind Po.]
Hu: Oh, Po, I feel terrible about this. But your manners! They're atrocious! I can't expose Chang to that! How would that make me look? You know how important this night is to me!
Po: But—but, you—you gotta let me come! Everybody in the whole village is going!
[Suddenly, a villager appears behind Po.]
Villager #1: Bwaaa, see ya tonight, Po! Bwaaa, you bet, bwaaa. [leaves]
Po: You even invited the guy that goes bwaaa!
Hu: He may go bwaaa, but his manners? Impeccable. There's nothing I can do. Now, if you'll excuse me.
[Hu kicks Po out of his office.]
Po: Constable Hu, please!
Hu: Po! Two words! No! [closes door]
Po: Um, that was one, word.
[End of Act 1]
[The episode continues with a sad Po being hit by Monkey.]
Monkey: Sorry about the banquet, Po. [jumps away]
Po: Do you guys think the way I eat is disgusting?
Mantis: We try not to watch. [kicks Po’s stomach and jumps away]
Crane: But only because it's too disgusting. [trips Po and flies away]
Po: [to Shifu] Maybe you could talk to Constable Hu. You know, tell him it's okay to let me come.
Shifu: Po, I… Perhaps it's best this way. This banquet is extremely important and uh…
Po: [gasps] You don't want me to go either!
Shifu: Po, you have to understand…
Po: No, no, no! Oh, I understand. I understand, all right. I'm gross and disgusting and nobody wants to be around me. So if you'll excuse me, I'll be in my room, hiding my hideousness. [leaves]
Shifu: Po… [sighs]
[The scene cuts to Temutai in his makeshift camp at a bamboo forest. Two of his soldiers approach him.]
Soldier #1: I'm sorry, Temutai, but… [smacks Soldier #2’s shoulder]
Soldier #2: [gulps] You're not invited.
Temutai: Are you sure? Because, it could be a mistake or something. You know how we sometimes get that other guy's mail. Maybe what happened was they sent my invitation to him and—
Soldier #1: It's no mistake, Temutai. You're not invited to the banquet.
Temutai: No one disrespects the Warrior King of the Qidan in this manner! [tosses Soldier #1 and Soldier #2 around in anger] Do you know how that makes me feel?! To be the only one who isn't going?!
Soldier #2: But you're not! The Dragon Warrior hasn't been invited either!
Temutai: What?! Oh, of course. That makes sense. I've seen the way he eats. And if the Dragon Warrior's not there, our mission will be that much easier!
Soldier #2: Our mission?
Temutai: Prepare the troops! Gather all the weapons! If I can't enjoy that banquet, no one will! [laughs maniacally]
[The scene cuts to Shifu knocking on Po’s door.]
Po: Go away.
Shifu: Po? May I come in please?
Po: I wouldn't want to disgust you.
Shifu: Po. Open the door.
Po: [opens door and holds out a red cloth] Here's a blindfold, so you don't have to gaze upon my grotesquity. [Shifu walks in. Po lays flat on his bed and sighs.] When I was a kid, I didn't get invited to banquets for the same darn reason as now! [The scene cuts to 2D animation.] Apparently, you throw up one bowl of sweet and sour chowder, you get pegged for life. So, I'd hide in a pot and watch. And I'd say to myself, one day that's gonna be me sitting there having a good banquety time. One day, I'm gonna be invited to one of these things. [The scene cuts back to 3D animation.] Looks like I was wrong.
Shifu: Po, I just wanted to let you know that we'll be leaving for the banquet in an hour.
Po: [sarcastically] Have a good time.
Shifu: I plan to. Because you're coming with us.
Shifu: I taught you the secrets of Kung Fu. I can certainly teach you manners!
[The scene cuts to Po and Shifu at the dining hall.]
Po: So… how does this work exactly?
Shifu: In order for me to help you, I need to identify which of your manners are in need of improvement. I'm going to watch you eat.
Po: Are you sure you wanna do that? 'Cause I hear it's kinda gross.
Shifu: [chuckles] Po, Po, Po, Po, Po. I've battled the skinless demons of Taoyan Province. I think I can handle watching you eat. [The scene cuts to Po, the Five, and a sad Shifu standing outside of the training hall.] I'm sorry, Po. I failed you.
Po: [sighs] No. I failed you guys. I'm not worthy of a fancy banquet. [pauses] Have a good time.
[Shifu, Tigress, Crane, Mantis, and Viper walk away.]
Monkey: You gonna be okay?
Po: [sighs] Yeah.
[Monkey walks away. The scene cuts to Hu, Shifu, the Five, and many villagers at the party.]
Hu: On your toes, everyone. Even though my tusks are quaking. [laughs nervously] Everything is going to be f—fine!
[A gong rings. Everyone stands up as Superintendent Chang arrives on a rickshaw. Behind him, Temutai and his army are seen standing from a distance.]
Temutai: Surround the hall and wait for my secret signal. They shall pay for not inviting me.
[End of Act 2]
[The episode continues with Po sitting outside of the training hall.]
Po: Don't wanna go to some dumb banquet anyway. Just spend a nice quiet night alone away from all that… fun… and… hilarity and… companionship. [flails arms and legs wildly] I wanna go to that banquet!
[The scene cuts to Hu’s party, where an awkward silence lingers.]
Hu: So, Superintendent Chang. Lovely weather we're having, what?
Chang: It's too humid.
Hu: Oh, yes, quite. Too humid. Well, perhaps we can do something with the… air water.
[Hu looks at Shifu. Shifu shrugs in confusion.]
Chang: Bored now.
Hu: Oh, well, uh, the fun is just about to begin, eh, Shifu? Hm?
Shifu: Yes, certainly. With your permission, Superintendent. [Chang gives permission with a raise of his hand. The Five move to the stage.] The Furious Five will now perform a display of skill and daring. [The Five pose.] The Pinnacle of Perfection!
Chang: Seen it.
Shifu: I… beg your pardon?
Chang: Every kung fu palace I visit does an idiotic Pinnacle of Perfection.
Shifu: Oh. Well, what about the flaming—
Shifu: The golden—
Shifu: Four fingers of—
Chang: No, no, no. Do something else.
Shifu: Something, else?
Chang: Yes. Something, else.
Shifu: Uh, I'd like to do a skit.
The Five: What?!
Shifu: I need the name of a location. [to the Five] In a rock quarry. [As Chang and the other spectators stare at Shifu in confusion, Temutai is seen peeking from the roof.] Ugh. [holds up imaginary rock] This rock that I am holding in my hand is very heavy.
Tigress: [confused] Yes! And… rock-like.
[Chang responds with a loud sniff.]
Temutai: [laughs] I love improv! It's funny because you know they're making it up as they go along! [laughs maniacally to himself] Shh, quiet!
Shifu: Help. Rain, which is falling from the sky, has, uh, turned this rock quarry into quicksand. [Tigress sneaks away.] I'm drowning in the quicksand.
Crane: Never mind that! I'm a doctor who needs help fixing this sundial. [takes off hat]
Hu: Um… Ha! Ha! Ha…
Chang: You think that's funny?
Hu: I— No! Yes? I— oh... [whimpers]
Chang: When is this going to get interesting?
[Suddenly, the Five jump away from the stage. Temutai lands on the stage with a slam. Villagers flee.]
Temutai: Sorry to break in. I forgot my invitation. No, wait, I didn't get one, and was being, facetious!
[The scene cuts to Po still sitting outside of the training hall, throwing rocks out of boredom. When one of the rocks hit a jug, Po smiles in realization. The scene then cuts back to Hu’s party.]
Shifu: Temutai! You've made a grave mistake coming here.
Temutai: You too have made mistakes. Such as unconvincing space work, denial, and the failure to commit to a premise. And you didn't invite me to your party! I will destroy you all! Secret signal!
[Temutai’s army leaps into the stage. As the army attacks first, Shifu and the Five split up to defend themselves. Eventually, Crane and Tigress get entangled by bolas. Mantis gets stomped by one of Temutai’s soldiers.]
Chang: That's funny.
[Monkey, Viper, and Shifu proceed to get entangled by bolas. The scene cuts to Po sneaking into Hu’s party, hidden under a jug with holes carved in.]
Po: [singing] Sneaking in the party… like I used to do. Whoa! Sneaking in the party… [looks around] Ooh, fancy! Ooh, tasty! [Eventually, Po bumps into someone wearing a red tunic. He looks up and sees Temutai’s angry face. Suddenly, Po tosses away his jug disguise.] Temutai got an invite and I didn't? That is— [Po looks to the side and sees Shifu and the Five defeated and surrounded by Temutai’s army.] Oh.
Temutai: [laughs] You? At a banquet? You'd never fit in. You're a slob. And you have no manners!
Po: Temutai, I'm gonna make you eat, silently chew, and then politely swallow those words.
Hu: [nervously] No…
Temutai: Secret signal again!
[Temutai’s army attacks Po.]
Po: [runs] Aah! [Po takes down the archers by flinging plates at them. He then grabs hold one of Temutai’s soldiers.] May I? [tosses soldier] Thank you. [Another soldier attempts to strike Po, but Po causes him to lay flat on top of a table.] Elbows off the table, mable. [Po knocks out the soldier. A third soldier attacks Po. Po dodges the attacks and offers the soldier a cup of tea. The soldier politely accepts it. Po clears his throat.] Pinkies. [A fourth soldier comes in just to be caught in submission by Po.] Mustn't slouch now. [Po kicks away the soldier. Temutai roars in anger, but is prematurely stopped by Po tossing a pastry in Temutai’s mouth.] Ah, ah, ah! No talking with your mouth full! [Temutai spits out the food.] And no spitting either. [Po and Temutai continue to fight. Eventually, Po is victorious.]
Temutai: I… apologize. You… have… excellent… manners… [faints]
[After the fight ends, Hu claps to signal the party workers to tidy up the area.]
Hu: Thanks ever so much, Dragon Warrior! Now, skedaddle and here's a cookie for your trouble.
Chang: Wait! This warrior deserves a place at our table!
Hu: At the… table? Oh, dear, no.
[A chair is placed next to Chang. Po snaps at Hu and smugly goes to his chair.]
Chang: Now we eat. [Shifu, and the Five sit on their chairs. When Po begins to eat, he accidentally drops a bun on the floor. Hu, Shifu, and the Five gasp. Po freezes in fear.] Whoops! Floor bun! [grabs floor bun] Five-second rule. [Everyone else silently watch Chang eat.] Here comes the wagon! [belches] Well?
Po: I'm right with you!
[Po and Chang proceed to shove buns into their mouths. The others watch in disgust.]
Crane: I'm done.
Chang: Hu, this party has been an unpleasant disaster until this crazy brother showed up!
Po: [chuckles] Funny thing is, I wasn't even—
Hu: That late! So very glad you made it, Po. I knew you'd like him.
Chang: Hang on, here comes the wagon again! [Chang belches loud enough that the sound reaches outside the valley.]
Shifu: Well, what a success. Constable Hu should be promoted and sent away at once!
Chang: That's a thought. But I couldn't do that to you, Huey! This place is great! I'm going to renew your post for another year. Heck, let's make it ten!
[Shifu slams his head on his buns.]
Po: Hold on, here comes the wagon again!
Chang: Ah! Wait for me!
Hu, Shifu, and The Five: No!
[End of Act 3]
[End of transcript]