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Written here is the full transcript of the episode "Mama Told Me not to Kung Fu" from the Nickelodeon television series Kung Fu Panda: Legends of Awesomeness. This transcript has been separated into three segments, indicated accordingly to the episode's commercial breaks.
Character dialogue lines were originally written by the episode's screenwriter, Doug Langdale. Descriptions shown between italicized brackets were written by contributors of this article.
[The episode opens with Shifu, Po, and the Five standing outside of the Training Hall.]
Shifu: I need your full attention. The Iron Samara is a move that requires focus and concentration. So if you don't want to get hurt, pay attention. [sees Po twirling around] Crane. Po.
Po: Be right with ya, stepped on a dumpling. [attempts to lick the dumpling, but falls over]
Shifu: [sighs] You two will go last.
[The other Four bow to Shifu and then move to their positions. Tigress and Monkey face each other before performing the Iron Samara. Near them, a training dummy suddenly rises from the ground. Tigress runs towards Monkey, who then flings her at the dummy. With Tigress in mid-air, she shatters the dummy with a single kick. Tigress and Monkey ultimately succeeds in performing the Iron Samara.]
Shifu: Very good. [Shortly after, Viper and Mantis successfully perform the Iron Samara.] Excellent.
[Shortly after, Po runs towards Crane, who holds up his wings in an apathetic manner.]
[Po jumps into the air with no resistance from Crane. Po then crashes out of the courtyard and grunts painfully as he falls down the stairs.]
Shifu: Crane, if you'd done that in combat, someone could have gotten hurt!
Po: [distantly yells] Someone did!
Crane: Someone always gets hurt! Kung Fu isn't safe! It's just like my— Like, someone said. I have to go. [walks out of courtyard]
Shifu: What? Where?
[Po pants heavily as he reaches the top of the stairs.]
Crane: I'm resigning from the Furious Five. [He pushes the door, hitting Po’s face by accident.]
Crane: Goodbye, everyone. Forever. [flies away]
Po: What's— Did he just— Crane!
[The scene fades to Crane pacing back and forth in Mr. Ping’s noodle shop. Shortly after, Po enters the shop.]
Po: [playfully] Hello. [Crane sighs] Why do you want to leave the Furious Five, buddy?
Crane: I don't want to talk about it.
Po: Come on, you can tell me.
Crane: I said no!
[Po inhales deeply at a bowl of noodles below and smiles.]
Po: Tell me.
Po: Tell me.
Po: Tell me.
Po: Tell me.
Po: Tell me.
Po: Tell me.
Crane: No. No!
Po: [slurps noodle] I could do this forever. [As Crane’s eyes widen in fear, Po raises an eyebrow.] Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life?
Crane: [sighs] It's my mother. She's always been kind of… overprotective. [The scene fades to 2D animation.] She made me wear a full suit of armor till I was six years old. I wasn't allowed to run or play, and she tied pillows to all the sharp corners in the house. She just didn't believe I could take care of myself. But one day, I snuck out and went to a Kung Fu class. It was amazing. I knew right then it was what I wanted to do with my life. Of course, the class may have been a wee bit advanced for me. I don't know how my mom found out, but ever since then, she's hated Kung Fu. The slightest hint of it gives her dangerous heart palpitations. So I had to promise I would never, ever, ever have anything to do with Kung Fu. [The scene fades back to 3D animation.]
Crane: Po. My mom has a weak heart. If she knew I was a Kung Fu master, it would kill her.
Po: Are you sure she doesn't know?
Crane: Yes, 'cause she's not dead! In my letters, I've been telling her that I—I [sighs] manage an inn. It's what she always wanted.
Po: Not like you… own an inn? Or you own a bunch of inns, or you invented inns?
Crane: No. Mother believes in keeping her expectations low. Anyway, I figured I could get away with it 'cause she hates traveling. So I thought she'd never come to visit. And now she's coming to visit!
Crane: Oh, Po. What am I gonna do?
Po: [taps bowl in thought] Got it! You don't have to quit. We'll just pretend you're an inn manager. How long is she staying?
Crane: Just for the day. But it gets worse. I told her my inn is the Jade Palace. And that you and the Five work for me. And that Shifu is a poor, underprivileged simpleton who cleans the toilets!
Yan Fan: [distantly yells] Yoohoo! Son!
[Crane leaps out from the table and screams.]
Po: [covers Crane’s mouth] Just keep her busy. [pushes Crane out] Go.
Yan Fan: Where are you? [looks around] Oh, my baby! [laughs] Let me look at you. [hugs Crane] Stand up straight. [circles around Crane] Oh. [tickles Crane]
Crane: [laughs] Mom.
Yan Fan: [looks at Crane’s hat] What is that? Straw? [replaces Crane’s hat with a helmet]
Crane: [whines] Mom...
Yan Fan: You need protection. You've always had such a very fragile skull. I think I have some shin guards in here.
Crane: My shins are fine.
Yan Fan: Listen, it's not your fault you're weak and delicate and brittle like your father. Rest his soul. [Behind Crane, a merchant carries a bundle of bamboo to his cart. The merchant turns around with the bundle and barely misses Crane’s head. Yan Fan then pushes the merchant against the cart.] Watch where you're going! You nearly took my son's head off. [The merchant flees.] Oh, it's a good thing I'm here to look out for you. So let's see this inn of yours.
Crane: Oh, uh, how about lunch first?
Yan Fan: Okay. Open wide. [opens her mouth and then gags]
Crane: [closes her mouth] Mom! I'm not a baby anymore.
Yan Fan: [gulps] Oh. So, suddenly someone's too good to eat regurgitated food out of his mother's mouth?
Crane: Oh, mom.
[An awkward pauses ensues. Eventually, Crane opens his mouth and lets his mother feed him. The scene fades to Shifu meditating near the Moon Pool. In the silence, a wolf is seen hanging from the top of a pillar behind Shifu. Suddenly, Shifu’s ears twitch. Shifu then leaps into the air to dodge an incoming meteor hammer.]
Shifu: The Lin Kuei. [Shifu continues to dodge. Eventually, he is hit. Suddenly, the Four reach the Jade Palace’s door.] Get down! [The Four gasp as they look up at the incoming rain of hammers.]
[End of Act 1]
[The scene continues with the Four leaping away from the attack. The Four then fight against the Lin Kuei. Eventually, Monkey, Mantis, and Viper are defeated. Tigress is left to fend for herself. Suddenly, Po walks in the Jade Palace.]
Po: Hey guys! [walks into an incoming hammer] Wahh-oh! [gets up] Do-over? [fights against the Lin Kuei] You guys can't be fighting in here. I gotta turn this place into an inn. [As Po defeats the Lin Kuei, one of the members zips behind him to grab his arms.] Whoa. You're fast. [Po leaps backwards and lands to pin down both his attacker and another Lin Kuei member.] But flimsy. [kicks both members into their group] Seriously, family emergency. You guys really need to leave.
[The Lin Kuei disappears in the cover of a smoke bomb.]
Monkey: Who were they?
Shifu: The Lin Kuei, a band of nomadic wolves. Thieves and assassins, trained from birth in the arts of stealth and combat.
Po: Cool. What did they want?
Shifu: I don't know, but they'll be back. They don't give up easily.
Po: Well, since we're gonna be around guarding the Jade Palace anyway, we can all help out Crane too! 'Cause, uh, [chuckles] Yeah. You'll never believe— [chuckles] What he told his mom.
Shifu: [echoes out of Jade Palace] He told her what?!
Po: Did you really not hear me, or are you just surprised?
Shifu: The second one!
Monkey: You want us to pretend that the Jade Palace is an inn? And we work here?
Shifu: And I'm a—a wh—
Po: An underprivileged simpleton.
Shifu: [pauses] I won't do it.
[The Four follow Shifu out the Jade Palace.]
Tigress: I don't know, Po.
Mantis: Does it have to be today?
Monkey: Sounds like a pain.
Po: Well, either we do it or Crane quits the Furious Five. Come on, guys. He needs us.
Shifu: Absolutely not. The Jade Palace is built on complete honesty.
Po: What about when you made up that Challenge Day thing? Or when you told me my Kung Fu would improve if I wore a bucket on my head?
Shifu: The first one was to teach you a lesson. And the second one… was hilarious.
Po: Master Shifu, Crane's mother has a weak heart. If she finds out the truth, it could kill her.
[Shifu sighs. The scene fades to Crane and Yan Fan walking along the valley.]
Crane: And over here, uh, we have the tailor's shop. Uh, they do really excellent work there.
Yan Fan: Oh, when am I going to see your inn?!
Crane: Wha-oh, the inn, right. You know, the thi— It's being cleaned, and, uh, I—I don't know when it's gonna be done…
Yan Fan: [sighs] We're going there. Right now! [flies away]
Crane: What? Mom! No, wait! Mom…! [Crane flies away. The scene fades to both Crane and Yan Fan landing at the front of the Jade Palace. Crane stands in front of the door.] No, no, no, no, no, no, no. You can't go in. The floor could be wet. Uh, from mopping. Unsafe…
Yan Fan: [pushes Crane away] Oh, that's nonsense. [Crane covers his eyes. As Yan Fan opens the door, she stops and smiles.] Hmm?
Crane: [uncovers eyes] Huh?
[Po and Monkey bow to Yan Fan and then look at Crane.]
Monkey: Howdy, boss.
Po: Right this way, Mrs. Crane.
Yan Fan: Oh! [Yan Fan walks into the hallway. As Crane follows her inside, he sees Monkey keeping a smile on him. He then sees Tigress bowing to him.] Well, look at that. Oh, this place is wonderful!
Viper: [bows] Afternoon, sir.
[As Yan Fan and Crane stop in the middle of the hallway, Mantis walks towards them in the cover of a Chinese cap.]
Mantis: [looks up] This must be your beautiful—
[Suddenly, Yan Fan screams and attacks Mantis with her purse. Mantis hides back into his cap in pain.]
Yan Fan: Oh, Crane. I'm so very proud of you. Of course, I'd be proud of you no matter what you did… as long as it wasn't Kung Fu! [chuckles] But that's ridiculous. [chuckles] Because you're so frail.
Crane: I'm not really that frail, mom.
Yan Fan: Oh, everybody is just how you described them. [whispers] Except, I thought you said the tiger was a girl. [Shocked, Tigress loses her smile. In the distance, an angry Shifu is seen reluctantly sweeping the floor.] And you must be little Shy-Fu! [Shifu turns to her with a smile. Yan Fan talks to him slowly.] Hello, Shy-Fu! [Shifu loses his smile.] I am Crane's mommy! [An awkward silence ensues. Yan Fan then loudly whispers to Po and the Five.] Does he understand words? He's so cute! Look at him. You just want to eat him up. [slowly talks to Shifu] Would you like some bean paste?
Po: Ooh. [Po and the Five walk towards Yan Fan.] You carry bean paste with you? Are you some kind of super-mom?
Yan Fan: I thought I’d better bring some. Crane gets a little whiny when his blood sugar's low.
Crane: [whines] I do not!
Po: [sniffs] Ahh. A guy could get used to a smell like that.
Yan Fan: Oh, you're all so nice. Since you insist, I'll stay one more day.
Po and the Five: What?
Po: I, uh, I didn't, uh, that's not what I—
Crane: No! You can't! Where would you stay?
Yan Fan: Here in the inn, of course. I mean, it's an inn, isn't it?
Po and the Five: [sadly] Yes.
Yan Fan: [to Shifu] Well, take my bag. [clears throat] Take. Bag. [slowly] Take. Bag. [Shifu takes the bag.] So, where's my room?
Crane: Uhh… [huddles to Po and the Four] What are we gonna do? We can't put her in the barracks.
Mantis: But there's no beds in the Jade Palace.
Po: There's one. Uh, Shifu's room.
[As Po and the Five look at Shifu, they see him shake in anger.]
Po: Ha. Let me show you to your room, ma'am.
Yan Fan: [slowly to Shifu] This way, little fellow. Chop chop.
[As Shifu follows Yan Fan, he looks at Po in anger and brushes his broom against Po’s cheek. Po chuckles nervously. The scene fades to the Lin Kuei in a forest, looking up at their leader.]
Heilang: Idiots! A few Kung Fu masters should be no match for you.
Henchman #1: It was the one who calls himself the Dragon Warrior, sir. He was just too strong.
Heilang: [attacks Henchman #1 and jumps down] Too strong for you, maybe. But not too strong for Heilang! [unfolds map of Jade Palace] This is where the Shadow Crowns are kept. Whoever wears these crowns will become invisible. [folds map] They were once the source of the Lin Kuei's power, but they were stolen from us centuries ago. [tosses out another henchman] I will have them back. With them, we will be unseen. And unbeatable. And we will have our vengeance against those who stole them. [laughs]
[End of Act 2]
[The episode continues with Yan Fan, Crane, Po, and Shifu in Shifu’s bedroom.]
Yan Fan: Oh, this place is wonderful! Thank you, son. This is lovely, just lovely.
Crane: Great. Well, if you need anything, just let me know.
[Yan Fan turns around and sees Po looking through her purse.]
Po: [chuckles] I'm just, uh, making sure the beans are still, uh, pasty. [gives back purse and walks away]
Crane: Okay. Good night, mom.
Yan Fan: Good night, son.
[Po and Crane wave at her and leave Shifu’s room. They turn around and see an angry Shifu looking at them.]
Shifu: And where's the simpleton supposed to sleep?
Po: You can bunk with me! We'll tell ghost stories.
Shifu: I'm not bunking with anyone. I'm taking your room. [pauses] No, I'm taking Crane's room. It's cleaner.
[Po and Shifu head to bed as Crane stays put. The scene fades to Yan Fan waking up in the middle of the night.]
Yan Fan: [sniffles] Water. [Yan Fan leaves Shifu’s room and sees Crane sleeping near the entrance of the room.] Aww, he's all tuckered out. My poor, feeble baby. Well, I'll just find some water myself. [wanders] Agh, that pool should really have a fence around it. [As she continues wandering, the Lin Kuei break into the Jade Palace from the roof and land in front of the chest containing the Shadow Crowns. Suddenly, Yan Fan walks into them.] Ahem. [The Lin Kuei growl in response.] Oh, you must be the night porters.
Yan Fan: I'm thirsty. Water. My room.
Heilang: Um, yes? Uh, would you mind staying right there with the light for one moment? [breaks chest lock] Thank you, ma'am. We'll bring that water to your room right away.
Yan Fan: Well, see that you do.
[As Yan Fan walks back to bed, the Lin Kuei opens the chest and wears the Shadow Crowns, causing all of them to turn invisible.]
Crane: Huh? Wha? Mom, why are you up?
Yan Fan: Don't worry. That nice wolf is going to bring me some water.
Crane: Oh, nice wolf. That's good. [pauses and gasps]
[The scene cuts to Shifu, Po, and Crane meeting up at the Moon Pool.]
Po: Did you guys hear something?
Crane: I think the Lin Kuei are back.
Heilang: You're right.
[Suddenly, Po and Crane are beaten up by an invisible Heilang.]
Shifu: They've stolen the Shadow Crowns!
Heilang: Excellent deduction. [beats up Shifu]
Yan Fan: [walks out of Shifu’s room] Hello? Where's my water?
Shifu: [fights Heilang] Get out! We're under attack!
Yan Fan: Crane! Crane! Ohh, my heart!
Crane: [gets up] It—I—uh— It's okay, mom! I—I just, umm…
Po: Umm, little Shifu is playing Kung Fu master again!
Crane: Oh, right! And, uh, we should play along. So as not to tax his simple mind.
[Suddenly, one of the henchmen throws his hammer at Po. Po dodges the attack and sees the attacker briefly.]
Po: Ah! [chases a henchman] Rahh! [pins down and hits the henchman] Uh, look! I'm, uh, pretending to hit the bad guy.
Henchman #2: Get off! [flips over Po and hits him]
Po: Uh, now he's, uh, kicking me, in the tenders! [covers groin] Oh-hoh, ow, ow, ow.
Yan Fan: Oh!
[Suddenly, one of the henchmen throws his hammer at Shifu. Shifu dodges the attack and sees the attacker briefly.]
Heilang: Idiots! Don't use your chain hammers. They give away your position!
Yan Fan: Who said that?
Po: Oh, it was, uh, me. [chuckles and imitates Heilang] Uh, not now, my minions! We must show these, uh, inn employees the error of their ways! [Suddenly, a henchman smacks Po multiple times against a column and then throws him at another column.] Oh, pretend concussion. [faints]
[Suddenly, the Four enter the Jade Palace.]
Tigress: What's going on?
Crane: Shifu's pretending to fight invisible bad guys and we're playing along.
Monkey: Uh, wait. What?
[A henchman pushes Monkey and then Tigress. Shortly after, Shifu, Po, and the Four continue fighting the Lin Kuei.]
Mantis: Iron Samara! [Mantis and Viper successfully perform the move, but they miss their target. Mantis falls over after colliding with the wall.] Missed.
[A henchman beats up Viper. Yan Fan watches from afar.]
Yan Fan: This doesn't look so, uh, pretend.
Heilang: [grapples Po] You must be the Dragon Warrior.
Po: And you must be… not a fan of brushing your teeth. Ugh, seriously. What's the point of being invisible if I can find you by smell?
[Shortly after, Po is defeated by Heilang.]
Heilang: So, no one left but the birds.
Yan Fan: Son! Is this really happening?
Heilang: Yes. [lifts and chokes Yan Fan] And I suggest you tell your son to surrender.
Crane: Mom! Let go of her!
Heilang: [chuckles and tosses Yan Fan to a wall] Or what? You can't fight what you can't see!
Yan Fan: Huh? [Yan Fan’s heart beats rapidly.] Oh…
Crane: Uhh… [bumps into bean paste jar] But you can fight what you can see! [Crane flies up, reveals the Lin Kuei through bean paste, and flings a large mace to knock off the Lin Kuei’s Shadow Crowns.]
Heilang: Chain hammers!
[The henchmen throw their hammers at Crane. He catches the hammers, flings them back at the henchmen, and then stands before Heilang.]
Crane: Get out.
Heilang: [chuckles] I just defeated your Dragon Warrior. Why would you think you can beat me?
Crane: Because nobody's mean to my mommy! [Crane and Heilang fight. Eventually, Crane wins and uses the hammers to fling Heilang and his henchmen out of the Jade Palace.]
Yan Fan: Crane! You— You're a Kung Fu master!
Crane: I'm sorry! I couldn't tell you! I'm sorry! I'll never do Kung Fu again, ever! Ever! I promise!
Yan Fan: Nonsense! You were incredible! And, you saved my life.
Crane: So you're not having a heart attack?
Yan Fan: What, this? This is pride.
Crane: But you said you never wanted me to do Kung Fu.
Yan Fan: Because I thought you'd get hurt. But look at you. Who knew you were gonna get so… good? For so many years, I thought you were weak and fragile. Can you ever forgive me?
Crane: Of course, mom.
[As Crane and Yan Fan hug each other, Po is seen watching near them. The scene fades to Yan Fan, Shifu, Po, and the Five standing outside of the Jade Palace.]
Yan Fan: Thank you all for making me feel so welcome.
Tigress: Take care.
Mantis: Great to meet you.
Viper: Have a safe trip.
Monkey: Come again!
Po: [hugs Yan Fan] Goodbye, Crane's mom.
Shifu: It was so kind of you to visit us, ma'am. [kisses Yan Fan’s hand]
Yan Fan: Aww. [slowly] Thank you, little Shy-Fu! Goodbye, son. Come visit me.
Crane: I will! [hugs Yan Fan] Goodbye, mom.
[Yan Fan flies away.]
Po: Well, that could have been worse. Sort of.
Crane: Master Shifu, I am sorry things got so out of control. If it's okay, I'd like to un-quit the Furious Five.
Shifu: Very well.
Po: Let that be a lesson to you, Crane. Honesty is always the best policy.
Shifu: Wasn't pretending the Jade Palace was an inn your brilliant idea, Po?
Po: [chuckles] Well, I don't know if it was a brilliant idea. Cunning, maybe. But I dunno.
Shifu: Good. You'll have plenty of time to figure it out while you two run up and down the Jade Palace stairs a hundred times as punishment.
Po: Not a brilliant idea.
Crane: Definitely not.
[End of Act 3]
[End of transcript]