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Written here is the full transcript of the episode "Master Ping" from the Nickelodeon television series Kung Fu Panda: Legends of Awesomeness. This transcript has been separated into three segments, indicated accordingly to the episode's commercial breaks.
[The episode opens up to a 2-D animation sequence. A character has his face hidden under a rice hat.]
MR. PING (Voice Over): His name was Di Tan.
[The character looks up and is revealed to be a goose.]
MR .PING (V.O.): Never had there been anyone so incredible! He traveled the countryside, selling noodles.
[Di Tan travels with a cart. He comes to a in a crowd of villagers. He then pulls out bowls of noodles.]
DI TAN: I'm selling noodles.
RABBIT: It is Di Tan, the famous noodle seller!
GOAT: Selling his noodles!
PIG: He will sell some to me!
MR. PING (V.O): Di Tan's noodles were the best in all of China!
[Di Tan's cart shines a ray of golden light into the sky, then it begins raining noodles into the mouths of the villagers.]
MR. PING (V.O.): Not too firm, not too limp, and no starchy aftertaste.
[It stops raining noodles.]
PIG: No starchy aftertaste! Look inside my mouth to see it is true!
[The Pig opens her mouth to show the noodles. Villagers bow down to Di Tan.]
PIG 2: Oh great Di Tan, what do we owe you for such amazing noodles?
DI TAN: Well-- how much do you have?
[End of 2-D animated sequence.
Mr. Ping continues telling his story in the Noodle Shop.]
MR. PING: Not only was Di Tan a legendary noodle seller, but he had a good head for business. He made a fortune. Isn't that an exciting story.
[ Po and [[Monkey are revealed to be at a nearby table. They appear disinterested in Mr. Ping's story, Monkey is even falling asleep with his head in a bowl. Monkey lifts his head. His face has noodles on it.]
MONKEY: Not really.
MR. PING: What are you talking about?!
PO: Dad, ugh, it's about noodles. [Stands up and gets excited.] If you really want to make a story exciting, it needs some Kung Fu!
MONKEY: That would help.
MR. PING: My noodle story does not need any Kung Fu'! It's exciting just the way it is!
[Mr. Ping gets angry and begins pacing.]
MR. PING: Kung Fu... Kung Fu... Kung Fu! Does everything always have to be about Kung Fu?!
PO AND MONKEY: Yes.
MR. PING: It's like talking to radishes... Never mind. Here put this on.
[Mr. Ping approaches Po and tightly ties an apron on him.]
MR. PING: I need you to watch the shop while I run some noodle errands.
[Mr. Ping begins walking off.]
PO: But dad!
MR. PING: It's only for a little while son. [Stops and turns around.] Push the bean buns, they're about to go bad.
[Mr. Ping continues leaving.]
[Mr. Ping leaves, but he peeks back in.]
MR. PING: And watch the pressure on the rice cooker, don't let it get too high. [Leaves and peeks back.] And no Kung Fu
[Mr. Ping leaves, leaving Po and Monkey bored and disinterested.]
[Po walks over to the kitchen to grab a bowl of noodles. He puts noodles on Mrs. Yoon's table, when a commotion begins stirring up.]
BAO: I said where?!
[Three pigs, Bao, Tsao, and Lao, walk into the Noodle Shop. Bao picks up a rabbit by the ears and begins questioning him.]
BAO: Where is the Dragon Warrior?!
[The terrified rabbit points toward the kitchen area. Bao throws the rabbit away and begins approaching Po. The pigs pass Po and walk over to Mrs. Yoon.]
BAO: [Hits the table.] You are the Dragon Warrior?!
PO: Over here fellas.
[Po takes a stance.]
BAO: Oh, sorry.
[The pigs approach Po.]
BAO: You are the Dragon Warrior?!
PO: In the fur! Help you guys with somethin'? Bean bun?
[Po holds a bowl of bean buns closer to them.]
TSAO: Does it have bean? 'Cause I can't have bean.
[Po takes the bean buns away. The pigs begin bowing to Po.]
BAO: Oh, great Dragon Warrior, we are distant travelers who have heard of your amazing proclivities, both far and wide and... And wide and uh... Err, shoot!
[Po becomes confused. Bao pulls out a scroll and reads off of it.]
BAO: It so we come to you, the Dragon Warrior, to complete our training, you will teach us the secret moves of Kung Fu.
PO: Wow, thanks for the uh, reverence and um, lauding my proclivities and all, but uh, 'fraid I can't help you.
[The pigs stop bowing.]
BAO: Why not?
PO: That's why they're called secret moves, they're secret, and dangerous. Some people might use them for evil.
BAO: Not us, we are good, very good!
[Tsao and Lao begin laughing wickedly. Bao elbows Lao to make him stop. Lao hits Tsao. The three pigs begin fighting, with Bao grabbing Tsao in a headlock and Lao repeatedly hitting Bao in the back. Po watches as the three continue beating on each other. The pigs realize that Po is watching them and they stop fighting.]
BAO: Please, you must teach us!
PO: Only Master Shifu decides who learns the secret moves. Sorry guys, can't help you. Sure you don't want a bean bun?
[Po holds the bowl of bean buns closer to the pigs. Bao slaps the bowl to the ground.]
BAO: You will teach us or else!
PO: Or else?
[Po grabs Bao's fist when he punches at him, throwing him on a table and breaking it. Customers run away out of fear.]
MONKEY: You guys aren't very bright, are you?
[Bao gets up and starts fighting with Monkey. Po dodges Tsao's hits, making him hit Lao. Monkey knocks down Bao, never dropping his bowl of noodles. Po fights off Tsao and Lao, when Tsao puts a table between Po and himself, Po smashes a bowls of noodles into Tsao's face. Tsao punches Po, bringing the fight into the kitchen. All three pigs fight Po in the Kitchen, making items fall and fly out of the kitchen. Monkey remains in the dining area eating his noodles, catching and using a spice on his food. Po hits the pigs into a group and then hits them out of the restaurant.]
BAO: This isn't over, we will learn the secret moves, then return to destroy you!
[The pigs leave.]
BAO: Wait, where did we park the cart?
[The pigs turn around, passing the Noodle Shop again.]
BAO: You are so gonna get it!
[Mr. Ping begins arriving back.]
PO: 'Kay bye. Nice meeting you!
MONKEY: Have a good day!
PO: Hey dad, you won't believe what just...
MR. PING: [Gasps at the sight of his restaurant.]
[The building begins falling apart as smoke rises out of the kitchen. The three look at the building explodes. Mr. Ping faints.
PO: Anyway uh, things got a little outta control and...
SHIFU: And you would like your father to stay here while repairs are being made to the Noodle Shop.
PO: (Whispers) Not really.
PO: I mean, of course I do, it's just that he's uh, you know, just uh, he can be a little hard to live with.
SHIFU: In out own way, we are all hard to live with, Po.
[Shifu approaches Mr. Ping.]
PO: Not like this.
SHIFU: Mr. Ping, we would be honored to have you as our guest in your time of need. [They bow to one another.] Please consider the Jade Palace your home, and do as you would normally do. So sorry about your shop.
MR. PING: Ah, well, what can you do? That's Po, [Laughs.] but you've lived with him for a while now, so you know...
SHIFU: Indeed I do.
PO: Okay, dad.
[Po begins escorting Mr. Ping out.]
MR. PING: Uh, by the way, did the cleaning lady quit?
PO: Moving on dad.
SHIFU: I'm sorry?
MR. PING: Uh, these floors look like they were mopped with butter, and all this [Coughs.] dust.
PO: [Laughs nervously.] Gotta go, dad.
[Po and Mr. Ping leave. Shifu wipes the floor and checks for dust.
MR. PING: Oh, Po was so cute when he was little, he couldn't say the word "tomato", he said "amamamomo".
[Shifu and the Five laugh, much to Po's humiliation.]
PO: A lot of babies can't say words.
MR. PING: You were ten.
[Shifu and the Five laugh again. Shifu and the Five begin eating their soup.]
TIGRESS: This soup is amazing, Mr. Ping!
MANTIS: You can stay here as long as you want!
MR. PING: Oh, I just remembered another one, when Po was five his...
[Po jumps on Mr. Ping and begins leading him out of the room.]
PO: Okay dad, it's been a long day. Wha'd ya' say we get to our room?
MR. PING: But it's early.
SHIFU: Actually, that's an excellent idea.
[The Five stand up.]
SHIFU: I need you all alert for your training tomorrow. I will be demonstrating the Chao Wa Punch Kick. It is a highly dangerous move, and each one of you needs to get a good night's sleep.
[That night, everyone returns to their rooms. Po is in the same room as Mr. Ping. Po is preparing to sleep, but when he closes his eyes, Mr. Ping starts making loud noises and blowing his nose. Po quickly sits up.]
PO: What happened?!
[Mr. Ping sits up.]
MR. PING: I need to clear my sinuses.
[Mr. Ping starts bending his neck and yelling.]
PO: Can you clear 'em a little quieter?!
[The two lay back down. Seconds later, Mr. Ping begins blowing his nose loudly, waking each of the Five. Shifu is meditating in a room full of candles, when Mr. Ping's noises start disrupting his meditation.]
[Mr. Ping moans.]
[Mr. Ping blows his nose loudly.]
[Mr. Ping starts yelling.]
[The candles go out as Shifu slap the floor. Mr. Ping continues making noises.
The next day, Po, Shifu, and the Five meet in the Training Hall. They have their eyes half-shut from lack of sleep.]
SHIFU: (Groggy) The Chao Wa-- Punch Kick, is one of the most secret moves contained in the secret scrolls. Um, would someone wake Tigress, please?
[Tigress is asleep on Po's shoulder. Po taps her on the arm and she quickly wakes, hitting Po in the face and knocking him down.]
TIGRESS: Forgive me, Master Shifu.
SHIFU: No, [Clears his throat.] the Chao Wa Punch...
[Mr. Ping arrives with a noodle cart.]
MR. PING: Morning everyone!
[Mr. Ping, being wide awake, startles Po and the Five.]
MR. PING: Oh, what a glorious day. You wouldn't happen to have one-hundred pounds of beetroot, would you?
SHIFU: Beat root?
MR. PING: Yes, I'm making a big batch of soup!
SHIFU: Uh, beetroot, I don't... Excuse me Mr. Ping, but we're in the middle of training.
MR. PING: Ah, sorry.
[Shifu glances at Mr. Ping, who, instead of leaving, decides to stand their quietly.]
SHIFU: [Rolls his eyes.] Now, the Chao Wa Punch Kick...
MR. PING: I'll just use bok choy.
MR. PING: Instead of beetroot, I'll use bok choy!
[Mr. Ping holds out a bok choy at Shifu.]
SHIFU: Yes, fine, "bok choy," [Pushes away the bok choy.] you do that. Where was I?
[Mr. Ping starts walking away with his cart.]
MR. PING: The Chao Wa Punch Kick thingy.
SHIFU: Right, the Chao Wa Punch Kick thingy... thing... move...
[Tigress falls asleep against Po, again.]
SHIFU: ...Must be delivered, to your opponent, precisely at the intersection of the medial metatarsal and abdomen. Like so.
[Shifu performs the technique on The Adversary. When he hits it, it becomes stuck in a bent position. Mr. Ping pokes the dummy.]
MR. PING: Seems like a lot of work. Why don't you just hit him with a stick?
MR. PING: Sorry, don't mind me.
[Mr. Ping walks away.]
SHIFU: Uh, right. When delivered precisely, the Chao Wa Punch Kick will render your opponent... [Sniffs.] Is something burning?
[Shifu is shocked when he sees Mr. Ping set a fire underneath the Jade Tortoise of Wisdom and use it as a pot.]
SHIFU: Mr. Ping! What're you doing?!
MR. PING: [Humming.] Making soup.
SHIFU: In the Jade Tortoise of Wisdom?!
MR. PING: Well, I needed a big bowl, we're gonna have a lot of customers!
[Outside, a long line of customers forms from the Training Hall and down the stairs, as Mr. Ping serves noodle soup.]
SHIFU: Mr. Ping, this is our Training Hall not a restaurant!
MR. PING: Don't worry, I'll split the profits even with you, uh, eighty-twenty. We'll make a fortune! Have you ever waited on tables?
[Just then, Bao, Tsao, and Lao arrive in the line.]
MR.PING: [Hands Shifu soup.] That soup ain't gonna serve itself.
[Mr. Ping pushes Shifu away with four bowls of soup.]
APPLE CART DUCK: How's it goin' up here?
MR. PING: Ah, just wonderful, Apple Cart Duck. I'm running the place.
BAO: [Looking at Mr. Ping.] That must be the one they call "Shifu." He will teach us the secret moves.
LAO: Why would he do that?
BAO: Because we're going to capture him and make him teach us!
[The three pigs start laughing and beating each other up.]
[End of Act 1]