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Written here is the full transcript of the episode "Qilin Time" from the Nickelodeon television series Kung Fu Panda: Legends of Awesomeness. This transcript has been separated into three segments, indicated accordingly to the episode's commercial breaks.
Character dialogue lines were originally written by the episode's screenwriter, Paul Rugg. Descriptions shown between italicized brackets were written by contributors of this article.
[Episode opens in the Jade Palace courtyard. Crane and Monkey are drinking from a cauldron with a ladle.]
PO: Uh, what are you guys doin'?
MONKEY: Trying your soup.
[Monkey takes a drink of the 'soup' from the ladle.]
PO: Uh, that's not soup. I'm washing my clothes.
[Monkey pauses and pulls out a piece of fabric from his mouth. He then spits out the water.]
MONKEY: [horrified] What are you trying to do? Kill us? [Monkey leaves.]
CRANE: I'm gonna be sick! [Crane flies off while coughing and spitting heavily.]
[Po picks up the ladle and looks around. He sees no one nearby and proceeds to drink from the ladle. Before he can continue drinking from the ladle, Apple Cart Duck suddenly appears in front of him.]
APPLE CART DUCK: Po! Po! Your father! He's in horrible trouble! The noodle shop! It's terrible!
PO: I'm coming, Dad! [Po scoops out a pair of pants from the boiling cauldron and puts them on. He then hops in pain as the pants are still hot from the water.] Ah, hot pants! Hot pants! Hot!
[He falls backwards down the Jade Palace stairs and bounces all the way down before arriving at the noodle shop. Po stands ready to fight, but he looks around to find only customers eating in peace.]
MR. PING: Oh, there you are! Table Six needs bean buns.
PO: Bean? You—I— Table Six needs bean buns? That's the horrible trouble?
MR. PING: What? It's busy. I need your help. By the way, your pants are filthy. You should wash them.
[As Mr. Ping slices his vegetables in the kitchen, Po glares at him.]
MR. PING: Why are you looking at me like that?
PO: I thought someone was trying to kill you are something. You lied to me!
MR. PING: Well, would you have come if I had said Table Six needed bean buns?
PO: That's not the point! If you do stuff like this, how can I believe you?
MR. PING: Can't we talk about this later please? [He picks up two bowls of bean buns and hands them to Po.] Table Six still needs bean buns.
[Po reluctantly serves the table bean buns and when walking back a Pig child claims he has finished his noodles and hands them to Po to take away.]
PIG CHILD: I'm done!
PIG MOTHER: Oh no you don't! You haven't touched those noodles.
PIG CHILD: I'm not hungry!
PIG MOTHER: If you don't finish your noodles, the Qilin is going to eat you up.
PIG CHILD: There's no such thing as the Qilin.
[Suddenly, the sound of plates crashing is heard.]
MR. PING: Who said that? Who—who—who—who said there's no Qilin? Who?! [The pig child reluctantly raises his arm.] Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you my little friend, but the Qilin is quite real and I assure you I've seen it with my own two eyes! It was horrible!
[A flashback is shown of Mr. Ping's encounter as a child with the Qilin.]
MR. PING (Voiceover): I was your age. Against my parents wishes, I'd gone frolicking deep into the Xin Xao forest. Frolic, frolic, frolic. I was so busy frolicking, I didn't realize I was lost. Lost. I heard a horrible breathing sound. And when I turned around, there it was! The Qilin! I ran as fast as I could! I even tried flying. But I hadn't learned that yet, so that was pointless. The Qilin came after me.
[End of Flashback.]
MR PING: Luckily, I fell into a stream and floated to safety by disguising myself as a log.
[The horrified pig child picks up his bowl of noodles and gulps it all down.]
PIG MOTHER: Oh thank you, Mr. Ping.
MR. PING: You're welcome. [looks at pig child] And don't worry, sonny. The Qilin won't eat you. It just chews your head off. [shudders]
[The pig child runs off screaming.]
PIG MOTHER: Oh Mr. Ping, how could you?! [She runs after her son.]
PO: Uh, went a little overboard there, didn't you, Dad?
MR. PING: What? Hmm. Just telling the truth.
PIG CUSTOMER: Aw, come on, Ping! Knock it off. The Qilin's just a legend.
MR. PING: I'm telling you, it's true! It attacked me! The Qilin is real! [All of the customers laugh at Mr. Ping's statement. Mr. Ping looks around at everyone laughing at him. He looks to Po for support, but he looks away and sighs. Enraged, Mr. Ping goes back into his shop.] I'll show them! [He returns with a bag over his shoulder.] Attention, stupid customers! I'll prove the Qilin exists. I'm going to find it and bring it back!
PIG CUSTOMER: How you gonna do that, Ping? I thought the Qilin was huge. [laughs]
MR. PING: Nothing's too huge for the Dragon Warrior!
[Mr. Ping walks out of the shop to begin his quest. Po runs after him.]
PO: Dad, stop! We need to talk.
MR. PING: No time. We need to reach the Xin Xao Forest before nightfall.
PO: We? No, Dad. See, there's no we. I'm not going with you.
MR. PING: You heard them laughing at me. You don't want to help your father restore his honor?
PO: By looking for something that doesn't even exist?
MR. PING: It does exist! Well, fine. Nevermind. I'll go by myself.
PO: You could get lost or hurt.
MR. PING: That's a risk I'll have to take. Goodbye, Po. If I don't come back, something horrible probably happened to me. [pretends to shake in fear] Now, which way is it? I get so turned around. Oh dear. If only I had someone to go with me. [He feigns weakness in lifting his bag. He then gives a sad look at an unconvinced Po.]
PO: [sighs] I'll go with you.
MR. PING: Oh thank you, son. [Mr. Ping effortlessly tosses his bag to Po.] Now hurry up!
[Mr. Ping and Po begin their journey to the Xin Xao Forest in search of the Qilin. Finally, they arrive.]
MR. PING: There it is. Xin Xao Forest. You ready, son? Let's go get ourselves a Qilin! Well, go on.
PO: I can't believe we're doing this.
[Po begins to walk into the forest.]
MR. PING: Po. Quick! Put your hands over your head. Make it harder for the Qilin to chew it off! [Po ignores him and carries on.] Keep your eye out for clues!
[The two are deeper in the forest now, still searching for the Qilin.]
MR. PING: Interesting. Hmm, yes. Yes yes yes. Hmm, this may be something. [gasps] Look, son! Qilin poop!
[Mr. Ping points at some rocks.]
PO: Those are rocks, Dad.
MR. PING: Oh, they've hardened. Well, come on!
[They carry on. Shortly after, Po hears a rustling noise. He looks around and sees nothing, but he continues to hear the rustling.]
PO: [whispers] Dad.
MR. PING: What?
PO: [whispers] We're not alone.
MR. PING: What?!
PO: [whispers] Behind us. Keep moving.
MR. PING: [gasps] It's the Qilin, Po! [Suddenly, an unknown figure charges at them from a distance.] Po, put your hands on your head! Do it! Somebody help!
[Po yells as the unknown figure quickly approaches him.]
[End of Act 1]
[The episode continues with Po defending himself against the unknown figure.]
Mr. Ping: Somebody help! Qilin is chewing my boy's head off!
[Po continues to fight, until he knocks off a wok helmet from the unknown figure.]
Po: Huh? General Tsin?
Tsin: Dragon Warrior? Well. Well I'll be! Sorry about that, son. I'm camping nearby, and I… Well, I thought you were bandits.
Po: And I thought you were supposed to be in prison.
Tsin: Nope, nuh-uh, they let me out.
Po: Wait, why would they do that?
Tsin: Well, on account of my tunics.
[The scene cuts to Tsin at his campsite, showing off his tunics to Po and Mr. Ping.]
Tsin: Made this in prison. Ever seen anything like it?
Po and Mr. Ping: [uninterested] No.
Tsin: Turns out, I got talent I never even knew about. That's why they let me out early, so I can start a new life. That, and not be crazy anymore.
Po: Uh, how's that working out for you?
Tsin: Well, I have my good days and bad days. [looks at his tunic cart] At ease, soldier. Anyway, I'm on my way to your village. Gonna open up me a tunic cart. What are you doing out here?
Mr. Ping: Looking for the Qilin. [Tsin laughs.] It's real.
Tsin: I know it's real, but you'll never find it. I spent years huntin’ that evil, vile thing. [pulls out crossbow from tunic cart] That blasted head-chewer is a slippery one! Oh yes! Hides himself real well. But believe me, it's out there somewhere. Never could find its lair. [Mr. Ping and Po shrug at each other in confusion.] What a trophy that would be if I were still a hunter, which I'm not. Did I mention I make tunics now?
Po and Mr. Ping: [uninterested] Yes.
Tsin: See you in the village. [pushes cart] Whistle, whistle, whistle, whistle.
Mr. Ping: See, Po? He believes in the Qilin.
Po: Hmm. [tosses Mr. Ping’s bag over the shoulder]
[The scene fades to Mr. Ping and Po continuing their search for the Qilin.]
Mr. Ping: [scans across the ground] Hmm. Oh…
Po: [sighs] Look, we've been walking all day. Can we just stop this, please?
Mr. Ping: What? Oh, it is getting late. Oh, maybe you're right.
Mr. Ping: We'll camp here.
Mr. Ping: What do you think the bag's for? [The scene cuts to Mr. Ping and Po sitting around a campfire.] There's nothing like a wok in the forest. [laughs] I made a little pun. Wok. Forest. Some productive day, huh? [hands Po a bowl of noodles] We know where the Qilin isn't now. Tomorrow, we just need to find out where it is. [Po pauses.] What's the matter, son? You don't like your noodle beans?
Po: Oh, come on, Dad. The Qilin isn't anywhere. Enough's enough.
Mr. Ping: What are you talking about?
Po: The Qilin, Dad. You know as well as I do it doesn't exist.
Mr. Ping: Then what are we doing out here?
Po: Because you can't admit you made the whole thing up.
Mr. Ping: Po, why won't you believe me?
Po: You haven't exactly been very good with the truth lately, Dad.
Mr. Ping: What?
Po: Come on! The evil curse that could only be lifted by me taking flour sacks to the cellar? The invisible pixie that could only be found by me waxing the floor?
Mr. Ping: Are you calling your own father a liar? [Po looks away and crosses his arms.] Well, I see. Well, I don't want you to be around a liar. I'm going home. Alone. [walks away from Po]
Mr. Ping: Leave me alone. [continues walking]
Po: Way to go, Po. [As Mr. Ping walks away, Po rests against a log and falls asleep shortly after. Suddenly, a rustling sound wakes him.] Dad? [A horned, unknown figure growls as it walks near Po. Po looks around for the source of the noise, but then he startles himself by stepping on a bowl.] Aah! [Po continues to look around, not seeing anything until he looks behind himself. The Qilin suddenly appears in front of him. Po and the Qilin stare at each other until the latter runs off to the side.] Dad! Dad…!
Mr. Ping: Oh, just leave me alone, Po.
Po: Dad, the Qilin! [Po chases after the Qilin. Eventually, he knocks it against a tree and forces it to confront him.] So it is real. You're coming with me, so I can prove my dad's telling the truth. [The Qilin growls. Po performs a few hand gestures.] Uh, I take you, village. No funny stuff. Got it? All right, now get up nice and easy. Good. Let's go.
Qilin: Oh dear. Now that's gonna be a bit of a problem.
Po: [scared] Excuse me?
Qilin: I—I—I can't let those folks see me. You weren't supposed to see me. Well, you were supposed to see me. You just weren't supposed to chase me. I've made a mess of things. Now I'm all flubbogated. I need some tea. Tea always helps me when I'm flubbogated. [walks away]
Po: Hey! Come back here, you… thing.
Qilin: Why don't you have some tea too? Don't worry, I won't chew your head off. That's just a legend. [As the Qilin walks away, Po watches as it phases through a pile of rocks. He tries to force himself through the rocks, but he fails. Shortly after, the Qilin pulls him into his home.] Oh, camouflage.
Po: [enters Qilin’s living room] Ooh.
Qilin: I don't normally show myself to folk. You have no idea what it's like to be ridiculed and harangatanged 'cause people think you look funny. [pours Po some tea]
Po: [sits down] Actually, I think I've—
Qilin: Ginger snap? [Po takes one and eats it.] People making fun and being mean 'cause maybe you're a little different. Or, a lot.
Po: Yeah, I—I get it, but why show yourself to me?
Qilin: I've been following you and your daddy all day, and I had to do something. You not believing him and all. Why, my daddy… my daddy was— Well, I don't know what he was, but I never knew him. And if I had a minute with him now, I don't think I'd be flibberty jabbering like that. Hazelnut wafer? [Po takes one and eats it.] So I thought if you saw me, that that would make things right with your daddy. I never thought you'd chase me. [chuckles] Almond crisp? [Po takes one and eats it.] Anyway, what's done is done. But I'm gonna need you to keep our little secret. Folks been searching for me for years. Some folks not all that nice, you understand? [Po nods.] You can't tell anyone I really exist!
Po: But my dad. He—he has to know.
Qilin: Well, I guess that's okay. But only your daddy. Nobody else. Promise? On your honor?
Po: I promise on my honor.
Qilin: Good. Peach jumble?
Po: Mmm! [The scene cuts to Po running back to Mr. Ping in the noodle shop.] Dad? Where are all the customers?
Mr. Ping: You're looking at him. [points at Tsin] Nobody else wants to eat here! They think I'm crazy.
Villager #1: Hey, looney Ping! [Villager #1 and his friend throw buns at him. They laugh and then run away.]
Mr. Ping: What do you want, Po?
Po: To say I believe you.
Mr. Ping: Don't patronize me, Po. I know what you really think. Now go away.
Po: Dad, I saw the Qilin.
Mr. Ping: What?
Po: It told me how it stays hidden because it's really private, and it's a super good cook. We had ginger snaps, and almond crisps, and—and the most amazing peach jumble!
Mr. Ping: [frowns] Peach jumble? The Qilin made you peach jumble? What did I ever do to deserve such mockery?
Po: Dad, it's true!
Mr. Ping: Stop it, Po!
Po: But I saw it!
Mr. Ping: This has gone far enough.
Po: I'm telling you the truth! The Qilin lives in a cave in a hill of boulders right in the middle of the forest!
Tsin: Aha! [raises crossbow] Time to rid the land of that evil head-chewer! [runs off]
Po: What? No!
[End of Act 2]
[The episode continues with Tsin running across the forest with his crossbow.]
Tsin: Oh yes! [laughs] Let me at him! [Tsin randomly fires his crossbow at a tree. An explosion is heard.] Yes, where are you? Step out, show yourself!
Po: General Tsin! No, stop!
Tsin: Stay back, Po! Time to end its vile reign of terror. [fires crossbow at Po]
Po: [dodges] No, you don't understand! It's not like what you think.
Tsin: That thing is pure evil! Now stay out of my business! [Tsin fires his crossbow at a tree branch. He runs as Po is slowed down by the fallen branch. Po climbs on another tree and leaps across branches until he reaches the Qilin.]
Po: Qilin! Qilin, you gotta get out of here!
Qilin: What's wrong?
Po: There's a hunter. He's coming to get you. He knows where you live.
Qilin: Well, how'd he find that out?!
Po: I, uh, kind of told him.
Po: I know, I know. Look, you gotta get out—
Tsin: Move away, panda!
Po: I'll take care of him. Run! [As the Qilin flees, Po fights against Tsin. Eventually, Tsin defeats Po by binding him with a bola.]
Tsin: Sorry, Dragon Warrior. I can't let you stop me.
Qilin: [swings down from a rope] Zabbity boo! [kicks Tsin back across the ground]
Po: Thanks, I—
Tsin: [loads crossbow] Playtime is over, sweetheart. [A loud thud is heard. Tsin collapses. Mr. Ping is seen holding up a rock.]
Mr. Ping: [gasps and drops rock] The Qilin!
Qilin: You saved my life. Thank you.
Mr. Ping: No, thank you.
Qilin: For what?
Mr. Ping: For being real.
Po: [escapes from bolas] Nice job, Dad. I… I'm sorry I didn't believe you.
Mr. Ping: Oh, it's okay. You were right, Po. I haven't exactly always told the truth. But no more.
Po: So we're good?
Mr. Ping: Very good.
[Mr. Ping and Po hug each other.]
Qilin: Aw, that's so beautiful. [looks over at a barely conscious Tsin] Aah! He saw me! What are we gonna do?!
Po: We need a subtle way of making General Tsin think he imagined the whole thing because he's crazy.
Mr. Ping: I've got it.
[The scene cuts to Tsin drowsily waking up to the sight of Mr. Ping and Po.]
Tsin: Oh… Oh, my head. Where is it? Where's the Qilin?
Mr. Ping: You imagined the whole thing. You're crazy.
Tsin: What? What?! No, the Qilin! You were looking for it, remember?
Mr. Ping: No, I wasn't! You're crazy!
Tsin: But no, it was—
Mr. Ping: What are you talking about? You're crazy!
Tsin: So, uh, it, it wasn't?
Mr. Ping: Of course not, crazy person. You're just crazy.
Tsin: Yeah, um, guess I did imagine the whole thing.
Mr. Ping: Right, 'cause you're a nut.
Tsin: Guess I best be going. Need more time to get things right. [taps head] Up here, you see.
Po: Good luck with that tunic cart.
Tsin: Uh, see ya. [walks away] Sad whistle. Sad, sad whistle.
Mr. Ping: [sighs] Qilin!
Po: He won't be bothering you any more.
Qilin: Thank you!
Mr. Ping: Your secret is safe with us, even if everyone in town thinks I'm as crazy as General Tsin. Oh, well. [chuckles]
Qilin: I wish there was some way I could make it up to you.
Po: Maybe there is. [The scene cuts to the villagers of the Valley of Peace minding their own business. Suddenly, they hear a scream. Mr. Ping and Po are seen being chased by the Qilin.] Help!
Mr. Ping: He's gonna chew your head off!
[The villagers run and scream alongside with Mr. Ping and Po.]
Po: The Qilin's mad because we went looking for him!
Qilin: That's right. And if any of you ever come looking for me, I'll—uh, uh, what? [Mr. Ping and Po tap their heads.] Oh! I'll chew your heads off! [roars]
Mr. Ping: And?
Qilin: And, make sure you eat at Ping's noodle shop, or I'll... I'll chew your heads off… again! [The Qilin roars, causing the villagers to run in Mr. Ping’s noodle shop.] You got a good boy here who loves his daddy, Mr. Ping. Zabbadooby. Well, I'd best be off. [runs away and roars]
Villager #2: Hey, Ping. You open or what?
Mr. Ping: Coming!
Mr. Ping: Yeah, son?
Po: Why don't I come in and help for a while? I have a feeling Table Six may need some bean buns.
[Mr. Ping chuckles as both of them enter the noodle shop.]
[End of Act 3]
[End of transcript]