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Written here is the full transcript of the episode "Royal Pain" from the Nickelodeon television series Kung Fu Panda: Legends of Awesomeness. This transcript has been separated into three segments, indicated accordingly to the episode's commercial breaks.
Character dialogue lines were originally written by the episode's screenwriter, Gene Grillo. Descriptions shown between italicized brackets were written by contributors of this article.
[The episode opens up with Po and the Furious Five with a group of children in a camp in the middle of a forest.]
TIGRESS: You children are China's future. You must work hard, to attain perfection. You must be solemn, focused, grim, resolute.
[The kids run towards Po, knocking down Tigress. Crane does a demonstration where he hits a cutout of a Croc Bandit with a stick. Afterwards, the kids run up to the cutout and hit it with sticks repeatedly. Mantis stands on a higher area which children run toward and jump over. After several kids make it over, Mantis has to help a pig make his way over. Shifu and Zeng walk nearby.]
SHIFU: This year's camp session is going well, Zeng. It's good for children to have strong, mature role models.
[Po lands in a stance with some children.]
PO: Then catchphrase!
SHIFU: And then, of course, there's Po.
[A horn sounds in the distance.]
ZENG: Ah! Master Shifu, look!
[A caravan approaches with a litter. Shifu looks closely at a symbol on the litter.]
SHIFU: [Gasps] That's the Insignia of the Royal Family! Quick, gather the Five.
[Zeng runs off. Shifu prepares to meet the caravan.]
SHIFU: We are honored, your eminence. How may we serve you?
MENG TAO: I have a royal student for you, the Emperor's own grandson.
SHIFU: You've come to the right place. Our counselors are the finest Kung Fu Masters in China. May I present Master Tigress, she will pers-...
[Po begins singing loudly nearby and using a stick like a guitar for a group of children. Shifu and the Five become embarrassed]
PO: (Singing) Theme song! Every Kung Fu Fighta' needs a theme song! Can't battle foes without a theme song! So I highly recommend you get a theme song! [backs up while dancing and scatting.] Theme song!
[Po quickly turns around and sees an unamused Shifu.]
PO: Oh, sorry Master Shifu. Just movin' on to the advanced stuff. They've already mastered catch phrases.
SHEEP KID: Shaka-booie!
RABBIT KID: Hey there!
PO: [Laughs] They make me so proud!
SHIFU: [Sighs] I must apologize for the Dragon Warrior, your eminence. He's new to camp counciling.
MENG TAO: Then I should warn you. My royal charge has proven... difficult.
[Shifu starts thinking. Po comes forward.]
PO: No problem, kids love me. Bring the little fellow on. I love to see the hero worship in their tiny little eyes.
MENG TAO: May I present, his royal highness, the imperial grandson, Lu Kang.
[Po makes a welcoming bow in front of the litter as the servants open it. Lu Kang is revealed to be crammed in the small space. He clumsily makes his way out of the litter, revealing that he is taller than everyone. Po waves to Lu Kang in a feeble manner.]
LU KANG: Hi, everyone, I'm Lu, it's delightful to meet you, I must say. I'm in line for the throne!
[Lu Kang gets his hand stuck in a jar.]
LU KANG: And I seem to have gotten my hand stuck in a pickle jar. 'Scuse me for a second.
[Lu Kang struggles to get his hand free from the jar.]
MENG TAO: His Majesty must soon take his place as a member of the Imperial Family. But to do so, he must first master the royal skills of manhood.
LU KANG: I learned a bit of Kung Fu from my wet nurse. She taught me this.
[Lu Kang yells and throws the jar off his hand, narrowly missing the Five and knocking down a tent which blinds Monkey and causes him to role into a piece of wood that knocks two children into a mud puddle.]
LU KANG: I did it again, faithful emissary. Grandpa's right, [slaps himself repeatedly] I'm a klutz, a klutz, a klutz! Owie!
[Lu Kang hugs Meng Tao tightly.]
MENG TAO: The Emperor has given Lu Kang one month to master the skills of manhood.
SHIFU: One month?! But that's not nearly enough time. I'm sorry.
[Lu Kang becomes upset.]
LU KANG: It's okay, faithful emissary. I don't blame them for not wanting me. I'll be in my litter, flush with humiliation and self-loathing. But I exit with dignity.
[Lu Kang attempts to open the litter, but he is unable to. He pulls the door harder and it suddenly opens, sending him back.]
PO: We can totally train him. He's just a clueless, insecure dweeb. I used to be the same way, and look at me now.
[Shifu starts thinking, but becomes angry when he says Po's hand stuck in a pickle jar.]
PO: Ha, oh, sorry uh... A them pickles smelled good.
[Lu Kang mopes around and sticks his face in a bucket.]
PO: Uh, what happens if he doesn't master his manhood skills?
MENG TAO: He would shame his family and be banished to the Mongolian Wastes.
PO: Master Shifu, we can't let that happen.
SHIFU: We could take him on an informal trail basis, I suppose.
PO: Sounds awesome, I'll do it!
MENG TAO: Excellent. Your Majesty, the Dragon Warrior himself has agreed to train you.
LU KANG: You mean... [removes the bucket] someone believes in me? Yay!
[Lu Kang runs with excitement. The bucket flies into the air and lands on a servant who falls and knocks down the litter. Lu Kang approaches Po.]
LU KANG: Here, new friend, let me help you with that.
[Lu Kang struggles to remove the pickle jar from Po's hand.]
PO: Don't worry, Master Shifu. I'll have Lu Kang trained in no time.
[Lu Kang pulls the jar off of Po's hand, losing hold of it and throwing it back. The jar sets off several crossbows, which fire arrows that narrowly miss Viper and Tigress. Po deflects one arrow with a shield. The arrow then bounces of of another shield, knocks off Crane's hat, bounces of of another shield, bounces off of a child's helmet and continues to bounce along other items before being caught by Shifu.]
PO: Heh heh...
[Po introduces Lu Kang to a group of children.]
PO: Guys, this is his imperial highness, Lu Kang. And we're gonna help him master the royal skills of manhood!
LU KANG: Hi, everyone, nice to meet you. Please call me Lu.
CHILDREN: Hi, Lu.
PO: We're gonna start with a really simple skill. Just give me five knuckle push-ups.
LU KANG: I will need a moment to prepare.
[Lu Kang does several awkward stretches.]
LU KANG: I am ready.
[Lu Kang drops in a push-up position and begins struggling.]
PO: Feel the burn! Feel the...
[Lu Kang fails.]
LU KANG: I threw up in my mouth a little.
PO: Okay, movin' on.
[A montage begins. Tigress observes a pig kid handle and use nunchuks, giving a nod of approval. Po observes Lu Kang do the same. But he loses hold of them and hits Zeng. Lu Kang clumsily uses a bamboo staff, nearly hitting Tigress and Monkey, as well as splitting Crane's hat in half. Lu Kang gets the staff stuck in a stack of barrels. He pulls it down, which knocks down the barrels and sends the pm rolling towards Tigress and Monkey. Lu Kang does tug of war with a small pig child. Lu Kang struggles, but his opponent slightly tugs the rope and wins. End of montage.]
PO: Let's take a break.
[Lu Kang messes around in the mud. Po and the Five walk into a tent.]
MANTIS: [Sarcastically] Oh, nice counciling, Po.
MONKEY: He couldn't master a single skill.
PO':' Okay, so he may be a little raw.
SHIFU: Po, this is hopeless. You can't train Lu Kang. You don't have the maturity.
PO: You take that back or I'll hold my breath.!
[Po starts holding his breath.]
SHIFU: This isn't going to work. Lu Kang will not be training with the Jade Palace. It's just too risky.
[Meng Tao approaches.]
MENG TAO: Good day, my friends.
SHIFU: Ah, your eminence. Master Po has something to say to you.
PO: Right. Uh, thing is, Lu Kang's not really, uh...
[Lu Kang quickly runs in.]
LU KANG: Faithful emissary, faithful emissary! I had the best day. Po's the greatest councilor ever.
PO: Yeah, Lu, the thing is I , uh...
LU KANG: I almost did a whole pushup. Watch!
[Lu Kang dives onto the ground and starts struggling. After a while, he gets up, out of breath.]
LU KANG: I feel so empowered.
MENG TAO: So, what did you want to tell me?
PO: That, Lu's making great progress.
PO: Yep, he's a... natural. I know I can train him, so I swear by the Emperor's throne that Lu will totally master all the skills of manhood.
[Shifu starts worrying.]
LU KANG: Yay!
[Lu Kang runs away.]
SHIFU: Po, do you realize what you've done?! The penalty for breaking a vow to the Emperor's throne is...
PO: What? A strongly-worded letter?
MENG TAO: No. All of you will be beheaded.
[Po, Shifu and the Five are startled.]
[End of Act 1]