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Written here is the full transcript of the episode "Shoot the Messenger" from the Nickelodeon television series Kung Fu Panda: Legends of Awesomeness. This transcript has been separated into three segments, indicated accordingly to the episode's commercial breaks.
Character dialogue lines were originally written by the episode's screenwriter, Kevin Campbell. Descriptions shown between italicized brackets were written by contributors of this article.
[The episode opens with the Five outside of the training hall, facing each other in their respective fighting stances.]
Monkey: Monkey in the middle! [leaps]
[The remaining Four look up, waiting for their moment to strike Monkey.]
Tigress: Hiya! [As Tigress gets pushed away by Monkey, the other Three pin him down. Shortly after, Tigress tackles him, who then defends himself by kicking Tigress’ head repeatedly.] Crane! Mantis! Feet! [Crane and Mantis holds down Monkey’s legs. Monkey then uses his tail to smack Tigress’ head repeatedly.] Viper! [Viper holds down Monkey’s tail.] Po, finish him! [pauses] P-Po?
Po: [guiding a line of villagers] All right, yes. Right this way. Good, good. Stay in single file. Single file now.
Chen: Sign mine to Yang, my bestest buddy ever! [opens scroll]
Po: You got it, bestest buddy. Never give up! [signs Chen’s scroll]
Po: Hang on. Just signing some autographs for my panda pals.
[As the remaining Four let their guard down to look at Po, Monkey grabs a staff and knocks them all down.]
Monkey: I win! Thanks, Po.
Po: You're welcome for whatever. [signs another scroll] Master Po says, go, go, go! That's a good one, don't you thi— [The Five frown at Po. He clears his throat nervously.] Who's next?
[As the Five continue to look at Po, an old man walks up to Tigress.]
Kweng: My name is Kweng. I am looking for—
Tigress: Yeah. The master is signing autographs over there.
Kweng: [pushes his way through Po’s fans and hands Po a scroll] Then this is for you.
Po: Cool. I got something for you too. It's called a line. As in, get at the end of it. Go on. If you want to be one of my panda pals, you gotta learn some panda politeness.
Lam: Thanks, Po!
Po: I got your back, sister. [signs Lam’s scroll] Battle on!
[As Kweng walks down the stairs to get in the line, Lam walks down and opens her scroll.]
Lam: [gasps] Panda, pals, forever! [rolls down stairs]
[After some waiting, Kweng finally reaches Po.]
Po: See, that wasn't so bad, was it? [signs Kweng’s scroll] Always keep fighting! Never surrender! Signed, the Dragon Warrior. [hands Kweng his scroll] There you are, you lucky boy.
Kweng: This humble messenger thanks you. [leaves]
Po: Okay, humble messenger. Whatever. [looks at the Five] Okay. You guys want to quit dilly-dallying so we can get back to training?
Tigress: Sure. How 'bout we play panda in the middle?
[The Five go into their stances and look at Po.]
Po: [gulps] Umm…
[Suddenly, Shifu walks out of the Training Hall.]
Shifu: Stop what you're doing.
Po: You heard him.
[The Five stand straight.]
Shifu: Warlord Cheen-Gwan and Warlord Can-Shoo have declared war against one another's clans.
Po: Is that so surprising? I mean, warlords, right? They got war right in their names, so— [Shifu leaps at Po and pins him down.] Ow!
Shifu: This is serious, panda! If an armed conflict breaks out, it would be catastrophic.
Shifu: A draft of a peace treaty has been dispatched to me via messenger from the Kung Fu Express.
Po: Messenger? Like a humble messenger?
Shifu: Yes, most likely a goat. I'm to peruse the treaty and make any changes I deem necessary. One wrong word in that treaty could spark a conflict that plunges all of China into a thousand years of war.
Po: [gasps] Uh, just out of curiosity, would always keep fighting, never surrender, be wrong words?
Shifu: Yes… Po. Those would be just about the wrongest words imaginable.
Po: [nervously smiles] Well, it's good that no one used them then.
Shifu: Continue your training. And keep an eye out for that messenger. [leaves]
Po: [whimpers and nervously chuckles] I'm just gonna— I got this, uh… There's this thing that I— Bye! [runs off]
Tigress: Oh, Mr. Celebrity is gonna ditch? I don't think so.
[The scene cuts to Po at the Valley, catching a glimpse of Kweng.]
Po: [proceeds to chase Kweng unsuccessfully] Oh! Huh? What? Hmph. Whoa, whoa, hee.
[As Po continues his chase, three of his fans run after him.]
Chen: Are you going on an epic quest?
Yang: A—a dangerous adventure?
Lam: An early lunch?
Po: No no, no no no, no. I'm looking for a messenger. He's about this big, has curly horn thingies.
Lam: You mean, Mr. Impatient?
Po: Yes, I didn't know he was a messenger! I just thought he was another fan. No offense. Love my fans. You're the best. [stops and looks around in confusion] Ahh! Where the heck am I? [sees Kweng again] Huh? [Po runs around a corner and grabs a random person, thinking that it’s Kweng.] Aha! Gotcha. Aah! [unhands Tigress]
Tigress: You are going to train today, Mr. Big Shot. And I'm not listening to any excuses.
Po: Okay, okay. But listen to my excuse first. [The scene cuts to Tigress, still standing as she continues to listen to Po’s excuse.] And that's when you tackled me and said you wouldn't listen to any excuses and I said listen to my excuse, which this is.
Tigress: You wrote, always keep fighting, on a peace treaty?!
Po: I have more excuses if you want.
Chen: It's true.
Yang: He has lots.
Tigress: We have to get the others and Master Shifu! This is big!
Po: No, no, no! It's not big yet. And we can keep it not big if we just catch that little dude and get the message back. Please, please, please? [Tigress rolls her eyes.] Hey, you're the one who sent him over to me for an autograph!
Tigress: Well, but I— He seemed— Wait a second. So now this is my fault?
Po: Don't beat yourself up. The Dragon Warrior is on it. Let's go. [Po and Tigress goes around another corner and sees Kweng.] There! Little dude. Curly horn thingies.
Tigress: [shouts across the street] Hey!
[Before Tigress can chase after Kweng, Po stops her.]
Po: Let me do the talking. Sometimes, you're kind of scary. [As Tigress angrily grits her teeth, Po nervously chuckles.] Now, for example. [Both chase Kweng and eventually catches up to him.] Hi there. Uh, Kweng? Kweng. [chuckles] That sounds kind of funny when I say it out loud. Kweng. Kweng. Kweng, Kweng, Kweng. Sounds like a duck with a— Anyway, I'm Po. Remember, the Dragon Warrior? I just signed your thing, and I sort of need it back.
Po: Great, I was afraid you were gonna— What?! No? But it was a mistake!
Tigress: Sir, be reasonable. If you deliver that scroll, it will start a war.
Kweng: That is not my concern. A message sent must be delivered.
Po: But— [unsuccessfully tackles Kweng]
Kweng: No unauthorized handling!
[After Po kicks Kweng’s scroll into the air, Tigress catches it.]
Po: Sorry, little dude. Official Dragon Warrior business.
Kweng: [pulls out dual swords] No unauthorized handling!
[Po and Tigress look at each other in fear.]
[End of Act 1]
[The episode continues with Kweng going into his battle stance.]
Po: You go to a special messenger school or something?
[Kweng attacks Po and Tigress. After a short time, Kweng wins unscathed.]
Kweng: No unauthorized handling! [grabs scroll and leaps away]
Po: Whoa, who the heck is that guy?
Chen: We know!
Yang: Panda pals to the rescue!
Chen: Could we be the junior panda squad instead? Sounds more intimidating.
Po: Sure, sure, you got it. Just—just tell me what you know.
[The scene cuts to 2D animation.]
Chen: Not so very long ago, there lived an unstoppable magical warrior with unstoppable skills. His name was Master Kweng the Unstoppable, and all the people knew he was unstoppable. For the betterment of all, Master Kweng used his skills to deliver urgent messages and important documents all over China.
Chen: Master Kweng leads an army of Kung Fu masters, delivering anything anywhere, known as the Kung Fu Express.
Yang: And if that isn't cool enough for you…
Chen: He drives a blimp. A blimp!
[The scene cuts back to 3D animation.]
Po: No, no, no, no, no. See, our guy's on foot. No blimp. So it can't be the same— [Suddenly, a blimp is heard whirring.]
Lam: Don't worry! I've got your back! [Lam is seen clinging onto the blimp.] Panda pals, forever!
Po: [nervously chuckles] Well, I vote we get Shifu and the others. And this time you won't talk me out of it.
Tigress: There's no time.
Po: Really? 'cause I was kind of— [Tigress tosses Po into the air and then jumps into a wheelbarrow.] Ahh! [Po launches Tigress by landing on the front end of the wheelbarrow.] Oof!
Tigress: [struggles to cling to blimp] Whoa! [accidentally kicks two sandbags off the blimp]
Po: [to Chen and Yang] You guys get back to the village. I gotta— Aah! [As the two sandbags land on the wheelbarrow’s back end, Po flies over the blimp.] Fly! Oh, no!
[After Tigress gives Po a rope to hang on to, she jumps into the deck. But, Kweng sees her and flings her off by driving sideways.]
Tigress: Whoa, whoa!
[Tigress saves herself by grabbing onto Po.]
Lam: I'm slipping! [Tigress holds on to Lam.] Ah!
[Po, Tigress, and Lam get into the deck.]
Po: Master Kweng!
Kweng: There will be no unauthorized handling! A message sent must be delivered!
Po: We'll get to your message in a minute. Right now, we've got a kid on board, and it's a tad perilocious.
Kweng: The child… is not my concern! [As Kweng drives faster, Po loses his balance and grabs the scroll. The scroll opens, and Po holds on to it to stay afloat.] No unauthorized handling! [Kweng pulls the scroll back and knocks Tigress and Lam off by flinging Po at them.] Hmph. No unauthorized handling.
[As Kweng returns to steer the blimp, the trio are seen hanging on one of the blimp’s ropes.]
Po: [climbs rope] I will never, ever, sign another autograph! [grabs another rope from the deck] Got it!
Kweng: No unauthorized—
[Lam knocks the scroll away from Kweng.]
Po: Yeah! [The scroll hits Po’s head] Ooh! [As Tigress grabs the scroll from the floor, Po loses his balance and tears a hole on the blimp. Seeing this, Kweng tackles Tigress.] No! [The scroll flies into the air and into Po’s hands.] I mean, yes! All part of my plan.
[Kweng and the trio all fight for the scroll.]
Kweng: Give it here!
[As Kweng and the trio continue to fight for the scroll, the blimp’s tail rotor breaks, causing the blimp to descend.]
Po: Uh oh.
Tigress: Does this plan of yours have any other parts?
Po: Umm, crashing.
[Kweng and the trio scream as the blimp crashes into a building. The scene cuts to a mountain range, where two opposing camps are seen below it. Warriors from both camps stand and face each other in anger. Two leaders meet each other at the center.]
Cheen-Gwan: If I do not like this peace treaty, there will be a war on you, and all your clan!
Can-Shoo: When the treaty arrives by the mighty Kung Fu Express, we shall see if any words are not to my liking. And if not, you and your clan will pay!
[Both leaders and their army scream at each other as they wait for the scroll. The scene cuts to Kweng and the trio waking up in a library.]
Tigress: What—what is this place?
Po: Huh? It doesn't matter. 'Cause who got the scroll? Who got the scroll? Who got the scroll? That's right, baby. Panda got the scroll! [Kweng growls.] Hey, buddy. Don't feel bad. You were up against two Kung Fu masters here. [Suddenly, Kweng’s messenger army surrounds Po and Tigress.] Hmm? Hmm?
Kweng: No unauthorized handling!
Messenger Army: No unauthorized handling! No unauthorized handling! No unauthorized handling! No unauthorized handling! No unauthorized handling!
Po: What the—where—who are they?
Messenger Army: No unauthorized handling! No unauthorized handling! No unauthorized handling!
Po: Maybe it does matter, because we're in the Kung Fu Express headquarters! [Suddenly, Kweng rings a gong. His messenger army leaps from above towards Po and Tigress.]
[End of Act 2]
[The episode continues with Po and Tigress unconscious and trapped around a chain lock.]
Messenger #1: Panda and tiger guilty of unauthorized handling. Check. [Po wakes up.] Prisoners will be delivered to Chor Ghom prison. Check. [Messenger #1 taps Tigress’ head with an ink brush. She wakes up and fails to hit him.] Prisoners awake. Noted. Packages and inventory secure. [Lam is seen sneaking from above, to Po’s delight.] Damage to building assessed. Repair crews dispatched. Awaiting further orders.
Po: [looks at Lam] Oh. [nods] Mmhmm.
Lam: [nods] Hm.
Po: Lam's okay. But I don't see the scroll anywhere.
Tigress: Kweng has it. [turns head] Over there.
Po: Where? [stands up] What? Which way did you point? [Tigress lifts Po to the direction.] Oh, thanks. [looks up at Kweng] Master Kweng, stop! [Po attempts to launch himself and Tigress with a wheelbarrow, but he is stopped by two of Kweng’s army. Shortly after, he and Tigress fights against all of them.] Aah! Quit moving around so much. My pants are riding up.
Tigress: I need something to open this lock. [looks at Messenger #1’s ink brush] Aha!
Messenger #1: Huh?
[Po and Tigress continue to fight the messengers.]
Po: No, no, no, no. The other way. Master Kweng's that-a-way!
Tigress: I am working on it!
[Eventually, Tigress gets the ink brush and attempts to pick the lock of their chains. At the same time, Messenger #1 shoots at them with a crossbow.]
Po: Little faster, Ty.
[As Tigress picks the lock, she deflects the arrow with the chains. The arrow scares Kweng into dropping the scroll to Po and Tigress. The duo and the messengers fight for the scroll. Eventually, the messengers get it. As Po attempts to reclaim it, Messenger #1 aims his crossbow at Tigress.]
Tigress: [looks at Messenger #1] Huh?
[Suddenly, a clipboard from above knocks Messenger #1 unconscious.]
[After Messenger #1 faints, he shoots an arrow at Po, causing him and another messenger to switch back and forth for the possession of the scroll as they both fall to the ground. When Po lands, he accidentally tips over one of the bookcases.]
Tigress and Po: Huh?
[As one bookcase falls, the other bookcases begin to fall. Kweng’s scroll is now mixed with many other scrolls.]
Po: Okay… this could take a while. [Po and Tigress search for the scroll.] Is this it?
Tigress: Try this one!
Po: That's not it either.
Tigress: What about this one over here?
Po: Maybe this one over here.
Tigress: No, that's— I already looked at that one!
Po: They all look the same!
Kweng: [leaps down] No unauthorized handling! Stop them!
[The messengers attack Tigress. Po grabs hold of one of the messengers, who is carrying a few scrolls with him.]
Po: Whoa! Just a sec. [tosses scrolls one by one] Okay, you're good.
Tigress: [grabs random scroll] No!
Messenger #2: [holds up scroll] I found it! I've got it!
[A fight for the scroll ensues.]
Po: [grabs the scroll] Yeah! [Suddenly, one of the messengers takes it from him. Another fight ensues. Eventually, one of the messengers hands a scroll to Kweng. The duo holds up two opened scrolls, ready to wrap them around Kweng.] Scroll 'em and roll 'em!
Tigress: Agreed. [Po and Kweng stare at each other, competing in who can growl louder.] Po!
Po: Oh, sorry.
[The duo struggles to catch Kweng.]
Kweng: Very impressive, both of you. I would welcome your skills to my team any day.
Po: I've got a job.
Kweng: Four weeks vacation per year.
Po: That's— [Tigress grumbles.] I mean, no way, Kweng. [The duo pulls their scrolls together, causing Kweng to be trapped.] Sorry, Master Kweng. But there's a war at stake. We can't let you deliver that scroll.
Kweng: Oh, but I'm not delivering it. Cheen-Gwan and Can-Shoo are picking it up here.
[Suddenly, Kweng leaps into the air.]
Po and Tigress: Whoa!
[The duo are flung to the walls of the library. Kweng lands on the roof and meets the two leaders downstairs.]
Cheen-Gwan: I received a note our package is here.
Can-Shoo: I saw it first.
Cheen-Gwan: I touched it first!
Kweng: A message sent, must be delivered!
[The scene cuts to Tigress, Po, and Lam leaping up onto the roof.]
Tigress: We… we failed.
Po: Oh, man! Welcome to a thousand years of war. Thank you, me.
Cheen-Gwan: [opens scroll] Check it out. It's an autograph from the Dragon Warrior! I totally love that guy.
Can-Shoo: Me too! Oh my gosh. He's like, so awesome.
Po, Tigress, and Lam: Huh?
Cheen-Gwan: I guess we do have something in common after all.
Can-Shoo: Yeah. What are we feuding about anyway?
[Both leaders drop their weapons.]
Cheen-Gwan: [opens arms] Come to me, my brother!
Can-Shoo: [opens arms] Come to me, my brother!
[Both leaders hug each other.]
Po: My brothers! Whew! I'm glad this worked out all right.
Cheen-Gwan: [gasps] The Dragon Warrior!
Can-Shoo: Oh my gosh, do I look okay?
[Both leaders bow to Po.]
Cheen-Gwan: We thank you, O Dragon Warrior, for bringing peace to our kingdoms.
Can-Shoo: From this day forward, your autograph will be displayed in a place of honor at my palace.
Cheen-Gwan: Yes, that's fine. But at my palace!
Can-Shoo: Nuh uh!
Cheen-Gwan: Ya-huh! [lifts weapon] I declare war!
Can-Shoo: No, I declare war first!
[Both leaders push their weapons against each other.]
Po: Wow, I see why they call you warlords and not— Gentlemen! It looks like I'm gonna have to do something I swore I would never ever do again ever. Ever!
[The scene cuts to Po signing another autograph. Both leaders leave happy with their own signed autographs.]
Lam: That… was… historical!
Tigress: Unbelievable. You avert a war by signing a second autograph.
Po: Righty-o. Ya see, Tigress. Maybe me being a celebrity isn't such a bad thing.
Tigress: Yeah, except that's what put everyone in danger in the first place.
Po: You're welcome.
Cheen-Gwan: Look, he said I was his number one fan.
Can-Shoo: That can't be. I'm his number one fan! That autograph is for me.
Cheen-Gwan: No, it's not! It's mine.
Can-Shoo: It's mine!
Cheen-Gwan: This means war!
Can-Shoo: This means double war!
[End of Act 3]
[End of transcript]