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Written here is the full transcript of the episode "Terror Cotta" from the Nickelodeon television series Kung Fu Panda: Legends of Awesomeness. This transcript has been separated into three segments, indicated accordingly to the episode's commercial breaks.
Character dialogue lines were originally written by the episode's screenwriter, Doug Langdale. Descriptions shown between italicized brackets were written by contributors of this article.
[The episode opens with the Croc Bandits standing around a rock in the middle of a bamboo forest.]
Fung: [lays down map full of red X’s] Ok, so. After I sneak up behind the gourd cart, you come around this way and—
Gahri: [taps map] I suppose I’m the X.
Fung: Uh, yeah.
Gahri: Oh, I get it. Yeah. X. Like you’re X’ing me out? Like I’m nothing? Hmm?
Fung: [pauses] Uh—
Gahri: Yeah, but you get to be circle! Round. And full of importance.
Wall Eye: I want to be a cube.
Fung: [throws down hat] Darn it, guys! They’re just marks on a scroll. They don’t mean anything.
Gahri: [upset] I… am an individual!
Fung: Oh my— Are you— [sighs] I just— [screams and facepalms]
[Fung puts his hat back on.]
Fung: I’m not going back to working for my dad! Okay? So, once... just once, let’s pull off a successful job! Gawww! Every time we try and rob someone, we get grabbed by Po! That’s why I spent three weeks perfecting this foolproof escape plan!
[The wind blows away the map. After the map is out of reach, the other Croc Bandits slowly turn to Fung, who is shaking with rage. The others cower within themselves, anticipating Fung’s outburst.]
Gahri: [happy] That’s it!
[The scene cuts to a few paper kites flying in the air. The Croc Bandits are seen in the Valley, hiding behind a wall with kites tied to their belts.]
Fung: [giggles] Here we go. [turns around] Kay. If anyone tries to grab you, you just pull the string, release the ballast, and let the wind whisk you off to safety! Right? Huh?
Croc #1: Like this? [pulls string and screams while flying up]
Fung: Ok. Nobody pull our string until I say to. Got it?
[Fung and the others run to the middle of the street.]
Fung: Attention, victims! We have come for your valuables!
Po: [off-screen] Fung!
Fung: [turns around to Po] Wha—already? Ca—we didn’t even—like, do you have like super sense? Crocs, pull your strings!
[The others pull their strings and watch as the kites fly away.]
Fung: Wrong. Strings.
[The others surrender by raising both their hands.]
Fung: You’re not even gonna fight?
Gahri: [turns to Fung] He always hurts us.
Fung: Guys. [throws down hat] Are losers! Losers, losers, losers! You are worthless!
Po: [concerned] Fung.
Fung: You stay out of this! [turns to the others] You’ve been nothing but a disappointment from the began!
Po: You could be a little nicer to your co-workers.
Wall Eye: Yeah! The penguin treats us better than you and he’s like our enemy.
Po: I mean I just think that—wait, penguin?
Fung: [turns to Po] Oh. Oh I see what you’re doing. You’re trying to swipe my gang!
Po: I’m what?
Fung: Sweet talkin’ ‘em and filling their heads with crazy ideas!
Po: I don’t even know—I’m not—
Gahri: Po at least doesn’t yell at us!
Fung: Oh yeah? Well if you like him so much, then why don’t you stay with him? [puts Gahri near Po]
Gahri: Maybe we will!
[The others walk to Po’s side.]
Fung: [pauses and cries] You stole my gang! Happy now?
Po: I don’t even…
Fung: Farewell! [wears hat and cuts string] Dramatic exit! [bumps into buildings while escaping] Darn it!
Po: Man, where does he get all that anger?
Gahri: Uh, have you met his dad?
[The scene cuts to Fung and his dad Bing in their home.]
Bing: [throws down hat] Loser, loser, loser, loser! You’re worthless. You’ve been nothing but a disappointment from the beginning! [wears hat]
Fung: This is why I don’t visit more, Dad!
Bing: [throws down hat] Augh!
Fung: [throws down hat] Gawww!
[Fung and Bing make funny faces as they scream at each other.]
Fung: No! I just— [wears hat] Gawww. Can I have my old job back?
[Bing turns around and crosses his arms in disappointment.]
Fung: You’re still mad at me for what happened to your mustache, aren’t you? I said I was sorry!
Bing: It was the only thing keeping your mother from leavin’!
[The scene cuts to Po casually strolling in the middle of the street.]
Po: Hey Mr. Tang! New teeth Mrs. Yoon?
Mrs. Yoon: [giggles] So nice of you to notice, Po.
Po: Howdy Mr. Wen!
[Mr. Wen looks at Po and drops his vase in shock.]
Po: [pauses and turns around to the other Croc Bandits] Oh! Hey, uh, you guys didn’t actually steal anything, so, uh, you can go.
Gahri: Uh, actually, we’re your gang now.
Po: [turns around and chuckles] You’re my—no— [chuckles] Wait. That was for reals?
Gahri: Yeah. It’ll be fun. We follow you around, you tell us what to do, then you yell at us.
Wall Eye: And throw your helmet down.
Gahri: Yeah, you throw your helmet down and yell at us.
Po: Uh, I’m—I’m kind of the opposite of a bandit.
Gahri: B-b-but we could do other stuff. We could be a gang of non-bandit—um… uh… [sighs] Fung was right. We are losers. We can’t do anything but steal!
Wall Eye: And we don’t even do that good.
[The Croc Bandits sit on the ground in hopelessness.]
Po: [pauses] Come on, guys. You’re not losers. We’ll find something you’re good at. I’ll help you!
Gahri: [hugs Po] I love you, man!
[The other Croc Bandits hug Po.]
[The scene cuts to an exterior of Fung’s home.]
Bing: You want your job back?
Fung: Not really.
[A clay dragon head is thrown above Fung, who dodges it by ducking.]
Bing: I’ll have you know that making terracotta warriors was once the most respected of all professions! But of course, back then, we could… bring them to life! [slides dragon head in an oven] Yep. Once I was the greatest of the terracotta craftsmen!
[The scene cuts to 2D animation with Bing as the narrator.]
Bing: Molded myself an army. I took what I wanted and marched around with things on fire! Ah, those were the days. I was on the verge of conquering China! Until Shibai blew it. He was entrusted with the secret formula for living clay. Then he lost it! It was all Shibai’s fault!
[The scene cuts back to 3D animation.]
Bing: I would’ve ruled all of China if it hadn’t been for Shibai!
[Fung is seen mimicking Bing’s body language as he reminisces the past.]
Bing: It was my destiny! If only that idiot hadn’t lost the secret formula. If only! Loser. Loser, loser, loser!
Fung: Gawww. Look!
[Bing throws his hat at Fung.]
Bing: Are you talkin’ back?
Bing: You want a job, you say no.
Fung: [pauses] No.
Bing: Good. Shovel up the cesspit! [pushes Fung into a muddy pit]
Fung: Man, how long has it been since this was cleaned?
Bing: Since I used to make my terracotta warriors do it! [throws shovel at Fung]
[The scene fades to Fung working hard on shoveling out the cesspit.]
Fung: Jerk. [pokes angrily at cesspit with shovel] Jerk! Jerk! [accidentally hits a hard object]
[Fung picks up a scroll case and unfolds the scroll.]
Fung: Secret formula. For living clay. [sarcastically laughs] Very funny, Dad! This is a joke, right? [pauses] Is it a joke?
[The scene cuts to Po standing outside.]
Po: Ok former bandits. We are gonna prove that you can do honest work! [plays drums] Take it!
[As the Croc Bandits play along with Po, the villagers cringe at the out-of-sync music. A few vases explode from the sound. The villagers throw apples at them.]
Villager #1: You guys are horrible!
Villager #2: What are you doing?
Wall Eye: [to Po] We’re not good magicians.
Po: Musicians. You’re musicians!
Villager #3: I don’t think so!
Po: Stay out of this, Mr. Tang!
[The scene cuts to Fung standing near a mixing pot at night.]
Fung: Ok. Mix red clay with black clay. Ground gan cao root. Powdered mica. And—three drops of blood? Aw that’s just great. [pokes finger with needle] Ow—oh—ah… Gawww. One drop. Two drops. Come on, come on! Three drops! Phew. [stirs pot]
[Fung builds a terracotta warrior piece by piece.]
Fung: Ok guy. Uhh… [takes out scroll] Chung toh. Lai shun. Hoa.
[An awkward silence ensues as Fung stares at the unmoving terracotta warrior.]
Fung: Gawww. You know… I knew it was a joke! [throws scroll at terracotta warrior]
[As Fung turns away, the terracotta warrior begins to move and destroys a wall from his home.]
Fung: Woohoo! I’m back in the bandit game, baby! I am back in the game!
[End of Act 1]
[The episode continues with Po and the other Croc Bandits in Mr. Ping’s noodle shop.]
[Wall Eye plays a flute with his nose.]
Po: A-alright. Ok, so… the band didn’t really work, so we’re just— [looks angrily at Wall Eye] Would you stop that?
[Before Po can continue, Wall Eye plays a final note.]
Po: Ok, so the band didn’t really work, guys. So, here’s Plan B. Shifu and the Furious Five are out of town…
Gahri: So we can loot the Valley of Peace while—
[Po frowns at Gahri.]
Gahri: Oh, yeah. Not doing that.
Po: No. Especially not now that I’m making you… the emergency backup Furious Five!
Gahri: Could we be the Junior Panda Squad instead?
Po: [pauses] Fine, that—great.
[Wall Eye drinks the noodle soup with his flute.]
Po: Wall Eye!
Wall Eye: But it’s more yummier this way.
[As Po extends his hand, Wall Eye gives him the flute. When Wall Eye walks away, Po drinks his soup with the flute.]
[The scene cuts to a wealthy couple on a rickshaw passing through a bamboo forest. As Fung hides himself within the trees, the terracotta warrior suddenly lifts the rickshaw.]
Villager #4: Wha—what do you want?
[The terracotta warrior extends its hand, signaling the man to give his money to it. Shortly after, Po jumps in front of it.]
Po: Ok, stop right—oh. [looks up]
[The other Croc Bandits run to Po’s side.]
[The rickshaw is flung at Po, who gently sets it down. He jumps up to kick the terracotta warrior, but then he jumps down shortly after.]
Po: [rubs foot] Ow! What are you?
Gahri: It’s one of those terracotta warriors like Fung used to make.
Po: Terracotta warriors can’t move!
[The terracotta warrior knocks Po aside with a punch.]
Po: [prepares fighting stance] Junior Panda Squad! Assemble!
[As Po fights the terracotta warrior, Fung punches the air with joy. Quickly, the terracotta warrior defeats Po. Po looks to the side and sees the other Croc Bandits hiding behind a rock.]
Po: [groans] What are you doing? I said assemble!
Gahri: We are assembled. We’re assembled over here.
Wall Eye: You assembled in the wrong spot.
Po: But I need you to—
[The terracotta warrior smashes Po into the ground.]
Fung: [laughs] Awesome. [snaps fingers]
[The terracotta warrior walks away into the forest to Fung’s direction.]
Po: [groans] What the heck just happened?
Gahri: [picks up Po] You just got your butt kicked by pottery.
Wall Eye: We saw.
[Po frowns at Wall Eye.]
[The scene cuts to Fung and his terracotta warrior walking along the forest.]
Fung: [laughs] We’re a team, right? Good times, huh? [turns to terracotta warrior] Cuz we’re enjoying our victory, right? [laughs]
[An awkward silence ensues as Fung tries to get an emotion from it.]
Fung: [sadly] Glad I don’t miss my old gang… one bit. Right?
[The terracotta warrior doesn’t respond.]
Fung: Come on. Gawww.
[The scene cuts to Fung returning to Bing sweeping near the hole in his home.]
Bing: Where you’ve been, loser? Did you do this?
[Fung crosses his arms smugly as the terracotta warrior approaches.]
Bing: [angry] Can’t I leave you alone for one—
[Bing looks up at the terracotta warrior.]
Fung: Yeah. Know that secret formula thing? Found it! [gets close to Bing’s face] So who’s the loser now, huh, Dad? Who’s the loser now? [pauses] Uh, not me, is what I was getting at?
Bing: Do you realize what we could do with this?
Fung: Gaw. Yeah. We can steal—
Bing: At last! I can conquer China. Eh… get away from my soldier! [shoves Fung]
Fung: Get away? Your? What! I don’t wanna conquer China. Just wanna be a bandit leader.
Bing: Hm? [throws down hat] Darn it, Fung! I’ve been waitin’ thirty years for this chance. Now are you gonna help me or are you gonna be a bigger disappointment than ever?
Fung: [reluctantly] I’m gonna help you, Dad.
Bing: That’s right. Now come on!
[The scene cuts to Po walking back and forth in the middle of the street.]
Po: [sighs] Guys.
Gahri: We let you down.
Po: No-no-no! No-no-no-no-no. [chuckles] Alright, kinda.
Wall Eye: We don’t fight good.
Po: [pauses] That’s it! You guys need a kung fu crash course!
[The scene cuts to Bing and a tired Fung standing around many more terracotta warriors.]
Bing: Fantastic! Look at these babies, huh? Nothing can stop us now.
Fung: [groans] How come we gotta keep using my blood?
Bing: I’m an old man! Need all the blood I can get. Now say the magic words and let’s get this show on the road.
Fung: [sighs and pulls out scroll] Chung toh lai shun hoa.
[Suddenly, the terracotta warriors turn their heads.]
Bing: Ha! Now we can take over China!
Fung: [sighs] Do we gotta?
Bing: Yes. And we’ll start… with the Valley of Peace!
[The scene cuts to Po and the other Croc Bandits in the Valley walking over a bridge.]
Po: So. Say we’re walkin’ along just like this. Nice day. Everything’s quiet. Then… [points ahead] Enemy attack! [jumps forward and turns around in fighting stance] Who needs backup?
[The other Croc Bandits run to Po’s side and stop in their own fighting stance.]
Po: Awesome! Man, you guys are gettin’ really good. Great poses.
Gahri: Heh, thanks. I’m a fierce tiger!
Wall Eye: I’m a rock.
Po: Ok, let’s try it again. We’re walkin’ along. Nice day. Nothin’ goin’ on. Then—
[A wall in the distance loudly crumbles. Villagers scream as terracotta warriors swarm in.]
Villager #5: Run away!
[The villagers scatter.]
Po: [points ahead] Enemy attack! Who needs backup?
[The other Croc Bandits run away.]
Po: [sighs in disappointment and prepares fighting stance] Ok, let’s see what you got.
[A terracotta warrior quickly knocks Po to a wall.]
Po: [weakly] Oh, I see.
[One by one, the terracotta warriors step closer to Po.]
[End of Act 2]
[The episode continues with Po getting knocked around by the terracotta warriors.]
[The scene cuts to the other Croc Bandits cowering behind a building.]
Wall Eye: Shouldn’t we do— like, thing?
Gahri: Yes. Po believed in us when we didn’t even believe in ourselves. If we don’t help him now, we really are useless. And he needs us to believe in ourselves. The way he believed in us when we didn’t believe in ourselves like he did. [stands up] So what’s it gonna be?
[The scene cuts to the other Croc Bandits charging towards a terracotta warrior, who is holding Po up. They circle around its legs and attack it.]
Gahri: Let go! Let go!
[The terracotta warrior spins around, trying to shake off the attackers.]
Po: Good effort, guys!
[The terracotta warrior throws Po to a group of other terracotta warriors.]
Po: Good effort.
[As Po fights the terracotta warriors, Fung is seen standing on a rooftop.]
Fung: Po! You havin’ fun with my stolen gang, panda?
Po: Fung! You’re behind this?
Po: Uh, kinda. Yeah.
Fung: [to other Croc Bandits] So you’re like, with Po now, huh? That’s cool. It’s like, ok. Really though? No, fine. Obviously, I’ve got a totally way better gang now. Of giant clay things! So, you know. [brushes away tear] Whatevs.
Bing: [slaps Fung] What are you doin’? Attack them! Attack, attack, attack!
Fung: But the guys—
Bing: [clamps Fung’s mouth] I said attack!
Fung: [sadly and reluctantly] Yes, Dad. [points at other Croc Bandits] Warriors. Attack.
[As terracotta warriors surround the other Croc Bandits and prepare to strike them, Po jumps in with a staff.]
Po: Shakabooie! [fights terracotta warriors] There’s too many! You guys get out of here. I’ll hold ‘em off as long as I can.
[As Po struggles and the other Croc Bandits are attacked, Bing and a sad Fung continues to watch.]
Bing: Even the Dragon Warrior can’t stop us. We’re gonna do it, son! We’re gonna rule China! We can’t lose!
[Fung watches as each of the other Croc Bandits are beaten up by the terracotta warriors.]
Fung: Warriors! Stop!
Bing: What? What are you—
Fung: Can’t do it, Dad. These guys are my friends.
Bing: But we were gonna conquer—
Fung: I don’t wanna conquer China! Seriously, how much work is it to run a country? It’s like a ton I bet. [pauses] I just went along because… I wanted you to be proud of me.
Bing: You want me to be proud of you, son? [kicks Fung off rooftop] Then get outta my way! [points at Po and other Croc Bandits] Warriors! Attack!
Fung: Warriors! Stop!
Bing: Warriors! Attack!
Fung: Warriors! Stop!
[Bing jumps down and clamps Fung’s mouth.]
Bing: Loser, loser, loser! You are not gonna stop me. I’ve been waitin’ thirty years for this. Thirty years since I lost that secret formula!
Fung: [shakes off Bing and gasps] You lost the formula? But I thought that Shibai got—
Bing: Ahh… I made Shibai up.
[The scene cuts to Po continuing to struggle against the terracotta warriors.]
Po: Uh, Fung? Aren’t you gonna say stop again?
[The scene cuts back to Bing and Fung.]
Bing: It was me. I lost the formula. I ruined everything. I’m the biggest loser of all time! I’ve been takin’ it out on you.
[The scene cuts back to Po.]
Po: There’s gotta be some way I can stop these—
[The terracotta warriors knock him to Wall Eye, who is held in the air by another terracotta warrior.]
Wall Eye: Get it off me. Get it off me!
[Po sees a flute on Wall Eye’s belt.]
Po: [gasps] That’s it!
[The scene cuts back to Bing and Fung.]
Bing: I guess callin’ you a loser made me feel less like a loser myself. But I’m proud of you, son. Always have been. I’ve just been too big-headed to say it.
[Bing and Fung hug each other.]
[The scene cuts back to Po, who gets the terracotta warrior to shake off Wall Eye.]
Po: [picks up flute] Hey statue guys!
[The terracotta warriors look at Po.]
Po: Time to face the music! [blows flute]
[The terracotta warriors continue to walk, forcing Po to blow harder.]
Po: Uh oh. [blows flute]
Wall Eye: [moves Po’s fingers] Like that.
[Po blows the flute once more, causing all the terracotta warriors to explode.]
Po: And that’s the name of that tune!
[The scene cuts to Fung and Gahri.]
Fung: [disappointed] You helped the panda?
Gahri: [crosses arms] Well, yeah. He was nice to us. All you ever did was yell at us and call us losers.
Fung: Oh. That’s like calling you guys losers made me feel like less of a loser myself! Except not.
Bing: [slaps Fung] See how that happens?
Fung: [pauses] Guys. I-I’m sorry. I treat you lousy. I was a rotten bandit leader. Can you forgive me?
[Gahri pauses before throwing down Fung’s hat and hugging him. The other Croc Bandits hug Fung shortly after.]
Gahri: [wipes away tear] Ah, wow. Um, Po? We were wondering if it’d be ok if we kind of, uh…
Wall Eye: Went back to being Fung’s gang?
Po: [sighs] I guess. But you know he’s gotta go to prison, right?
Gahri: Yeah, we’ll go with him. I mean, let’s face it. We live there like ninety percent of the time.
[As all the Croc Bandits hug and laugh with each other, Bing attempts to sneak away from Po.]
Po: [grabs Bing] You too, fella.
[End of Act 3]
[End of transcript]