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Written here is the full transcript of the episode "The Maltese Mantis" from the Nickelodeon television series Kung Fu Panda: Legends of Awesomeness. This transcript has been separated into three segments, indicated accordingly to the episode's commercial breaks.
[The episode opens with Po at the top of the Jade Palace – with his back turned.]
Po: I suppose you're all wondering why I, Po, the Dragon Warrior, has called you here. [turns around] We're going on a mission. [paces back and forth] Now, I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm gonna give it to you straight… 'cause straight's the way I shoot. It's going to get rough. But no matter how bad it gets, I know I can count on you five. You're the best there are. You ready to do this? [Action figures of the Five are shown already placed infront of Po. He imitates Crane’s voice and proceeds to put his action figures back in a box one by one.] Whatever you say, Po. [imitates Mantis’ voice] You're the best, Po! [imitates Viper’s voice] We won't let you down, Po. [imitates Monkey’s voice] Well, hey! [imitates Tigress’ voice] Po? [speaks normally] Yes, Tigress? [imitates Tigress’ voice] Well, it—I—it's just that I—I— [speaks normally] It's okay, Tigress. Don't be shy. [imitates Tigress’ voice] Oh, fiddle-dee-dee, Po. I think you're the most bodaciously awesome warrior in all the— [turns to see Tigress and Crane watching him] Gi-yah… I was just kind of—uh—what a—uh… Oh.
Mantis: [leaps on Po’s box] Hey, Po! We going or what?
Po: Sorry, had to give the troops a little pep talk before we go.
Crane: Go where?
Po: Taking Mantis to the Fest. First timer. Gonna show him the ropes.
Crane: [sarcastically] Oh. Festival of Figurines?
Po: Yep. But us regulars just call it the Fest. 'Cause it's all cool and stuff.
Tigress: Po, you can't be serious. You're not actually going to that ridiculous thing.
Po: I go every year.
Mantis: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why? Wh-what's wrong with it?
Tigress: It's an embarrassment to kung fu.
Crane: And crawling with geeks.
[Mantis moves his head back in surprise.]
Po: No, it's not. And they're not geeks, they're just… really big fans.
Crane: Who play with toys.
Po: Action figures!
Tigress: And dress up in ludicrous costumes.
Po: Historical recreations! Oh, I almost forgot. [opens box] I made us matching Oogway masks. [puts an oversized mask on Mantis’ head.]
Mantis: Hmm? Oh! [falls off Po’s shoulder] Ah… yeah. You know what? On second thought, mmm, maybe I'll just stay here.
Po: What? No. Come on! No no. Don't listen to these guys. They're just a bunch of sticks in the mud. You're gonna love it.
Mantis: I don't know, Po. I— [looks at Po’s mask and covers his own eyes] Ugh.
Po: Okay okay! [takes off mask] Forget the masks! No masks. But you gotta come! It's gonna be a day you'll never forget.
Po: Trust me.
Mantis: [reluctantly] Okay. [leaps on Po’s shoulder]
Po: So long mud-stickers. You don't know what you're missing. [walks down stairs]
Tigress and Crane: Yes we do.
[Shifu walks up to Tigress and Crane.]
Shifu: Where is he going? [walks down stairs] Po. I'm sorry, Po. But it's about the Festival of Figurines.
Po: [smiles] You mean… the Fest?
Shifu: I can't let you go.
Po: What? Ah—wha—but wait a minute! W—why?
Shifu: Po, you have to understand. Much has changed for you. You are now the Dragon Warrior. It's time to put aside the childish pursuits of your past. You are no longer a fan of kung fu. You are kung fu. It's important that you never jeopardize the esteem to which that claim entitles you.
Po: [pauses] See… I know those are words. I'm just… not sure what they mean.
Mantis: He's afraid you're gonna make a fool of yourself.
Shifu: Blunt, yet accurate.
Po: But—but Master Shifu! I go every year!
Shifu: I'm sorry, Po. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some important business to attend to.
[The scene cuts to Po in the valley, walking slowly in sadness. Mantis accompanies him.]
Villagers: The Fest!
[Po looks to his side and sees the entrance of the festival open for the villagers.]
Mantis: Po, you heard what Shifu said. You can't go in there.
Po: [pauses] No… He said the Dragon Warrior couldn't go in there. He didn't say anything about someone dressed up like the Dragon Warrior.
Mantis: Come again?
Po: Look, it's simple. I'm not me. I'm just a really big fan of me dressed up like me. And you're not you. Just someone dressed up like you. Someone… super tiny. Like a mantis. Anyway, problem solved! [runs off]
Mantis: But Po! [chases Po]
[The scene cuts to Po entering through the entrance of the festival.]
Po: [giggles] We're at the Fest! [wanders] These costumes are awesome! Ooh, there's Chiwan the Oafish! And Mistress Gao Woo the Semi-Invisible! And whoa! Master Prawn with simulated prawn thingies.
Mantis: Uh… huh…?
Po: The Fest!
Villagers: The Fest!
Mantis: I… have to go.
Po: What are you talking about?
Mantis: Crane and Tigress were right. It's like a nerd bomb went off in here. They're all a… they're all a bunch of geeks! [Some of the villagers give an angry frown towards Mantis and Po.]
Po: Whoa, not—not you guys. Some other geeks… that… yeah… they were… outside and we… they didn't have the figures and uh… uh… [whispers] come on, Mantis. You don't wanna get on the wrong side of the Fest goers. [nervously chuckles and pauses] The Fest!
Villagers: [happy] The Fest!
Po: Let me show you around. [carries Mantis] This is where you can buy all the latest action figures. This is high-quality stuff. You can't get this just anywhere. And over there's the stage where they recreate famous kung fu battles and— [looks at two actors on stage] Whoa! It's me! He's… he's dressed like me!
Actor #1: Umm… we will now recreate the famous fight between Po and Tai Lung.
Villager #1: Tai Lung! Gah! Everyone knows that.
[Actor #1 and his partner proceed to perform a poorly choreographed fight.]
Mantis: Wow. That's the worst kung fu I've ever seen in my life.
Po: [sighs] The exact moves aren't important, Mantis. It's the spirit that counts!
Actor #1: Ha ha. Ska-dosh.
Villager #1: Ska-doosh! Gah, get it right!
Actor #2: Oh, no, I am exploded! [falls over]
Po: Whoa, awesome!
Villagers: [applauds] Oh man, what costumes! It was amazing! Aw yeah! [leaves]
Villager #1: I could have done it way better.
[Two other villagers walk up to Po.]
Villager #2: Great Dragon Warrior costume. You even got his belly fat and stuff.
Po: [chuckles] I have a… a belly fat guy I use in town.
Villager #2: For a minute there, I thought you were really Po.
Villager #1: Oh, that'd be amazing! I—If he were really here? Gah! Ah! [punches air] I—I'd be like… oh you know. I—I— [screams] Gah! You know?
Villager #2: I'd be like that too. I’d be like all crazy!
Po: Me too. [chuckles] 'Cause he's so… awesome.
[Po sees Mantis rolling his eyes at him.]
Villager #2: So, um… fight?
Po: Bring it! [Mantis, Po, and Villager #2 strike a pose. Po and Villager #2 continue to do different poses, finally stopping when they both lay on the floor and battle each other with action figures.] Kick of Fury!
Villager #2: Mushu Thorax Block!
[Mantis looks back and forth in confusion between Po and Villager #2.]
Po: Battle Hand!
Villager #2: Cloud Swirl!
Po: Ming Neck Peel!
Villager #2: Arms Akimbo!
Po: Eye Punch!
Villager #2: Hop of Confusion!
Po: Side Swipe!
Villager #2: Legs of Steel!
Po: Kiki Toe Thrust!
Villager #2: Pew… Paralyzing Touch Points! Pew pew pew, pew pew pew! I win!
Po: No, you don't.
Villager #2: Yes, I do!
Po: No, you don't.
Villager #2: What are you talking about? I used the Paralyzing Touch Points. Your guy's all paralyzed. I win.
Po: That's not how you do the Paralyzing Touch Points.
Villager #1: Yeah, it is. Everyone knows that.
Po: No, it's not!
Villager #1: Yes, it is!
Mantis: Easy, Po. I thought the exact moves didn't matter.
Po: That's for costume fighting, Mantis. This is action figure fighting. Totally different thing.
Villager #2: I beat your guy fair and square.
Po: Did not!
Villager #2: Did too, uh-huh!
Villager #1: He did!
Po: Did not! I think I'd know about the Paralyzing Touch Points, 'kay? Trust me. Those weren't Paralyzing Touch Points. [picks up Mantis] These are Paralyzing Touch Points! Pew pew pew pew. [paralyzes Mantis] What you were doing was totally not that. So… my guy wouldn't have been paralyzed, and he'd have beat up on your guy. So I win.
Villager #2: I'm gonna go get a judge. [leaves]
Po: Well, you better hurry! 'cause in the real world, the paralysis becomes permanent after an hour! [chuckles] What a poser, huh, Mantis? He didn't even know that— Mantis? [sees Mantis and a Mantis action figure] Oh no you— I paralyzed Mantis!
[End of Act 1]
[The episode continues with Mantis being able to move only his eyes.]
Po: Mantis! I paralyzed you! I'm so sorry. [dangles Mantis] Ha, uh, are you okay? [Mantis moves his eyes.] Oh, right, you can't talk. You're paralyzed. Okay, um, I'll undo it. Only, I haven't learned that yet! Okay, okay, uh, we have an hour. Don't panic. [looks around] Umm... [Po takes a cup of water from a villager and submerges Mantis’ head in it.] Dah, Mantis! Snap out of it, buddy! Gah, yeah, okay, okay, okay. Uh, someone here can help. Uh, does anyone, uh, know how to undo the paralyzing touch points? [leaves Mantis on a table and wanders]
Merchant #1: Gah. [picks up Mantis] These geeks keep moving my stuff. [leaves]
Po: [returns] Mantis? [sees nothing on the table and gasps] Oh no. Mantis? Mantis? [shouts] Where are you?
[The scene cuts to Taotie and Bian Zao standing at their own booth.]
Bian Zao: Nobody's gonna wanna buy action figures of you, Dad. You're you.
Taotie: Oh, yeah? Well, they will once they see what these little babies can do. [places a Taotie action figure on the table] Behold! My little mechanized figurines of destruction. [The action figure smashes a hole through the table.] See? That's a lot better than the tripe everyone else is selling. We'll make a fortune.
Bian Zao: [sighs] Just give me some money.
Taotie: For what?
Bian Zao: So I can buy something that's not lame. [leaves]
Po: [appears] Mantis?
Mr. Ping: [dangles bell] Hear ye, hear ye! Dragon Warrior merchandise!
Mr. Ping: Hey, that's a nice costume. You even got the belly fat.
Po: Dad, I'm in big troub— Is, uh, that my underwear?
Mr. Ping: Yes. I already sold five pairs.
Po: [pauses] Dad, you have to help me! I accidentally paralyzed Mantis, and it's gonna become permanent in an hour, and now I can't find him!
Mr. Ping: Wait, wait, wait! You're not making any sense. Slow down.
Po: I accidentally paralyzed Mantis. And it's going to become permanent in an hour. And now I can't find him!
Mr. Ping: That doesn't make any sense slow either.
Po: Mantis? [wanders] Mantis?
Shifu: [off-screen] What are you doing here?
Po: [freezes up in fear] Master Shi—
Shifu: Don't you know your army can never defeat Master Yao? He will use his mind powers to create a concussive blast, thereby rendering your gentlemen drowsy. [Shifu slams down a tiny replica of Yao’s meditation box on the floor and tips over his opponent’s action figures.] See? I am victorious.
Villager #3: Oh ho ho! That was amazing. [bows down] Good fight.
Shifu: [bows down] Good fight.
Po: Master Shifu?
Shifu: I—what? Don't be ridiculous. I'm someone… dressed up… like… Master Shifu.
[Shifu attempts to escape, but then he eventually realizes there’s no way out.]
Po: I know it's you. Nobody can fake that cute little nose.
Shifu: I told you not to come!
Po: I know, I'm sorry, but listen, this is important, I lost—
Shifu: No, Po. It is I who is sorry.
Po: Oh, okay. But seriously, we're running out of—
Shifu: You see, I didn't want you to come because I was afraid.
Po: Understood. But I—
Shifu: Afraid that if you saw me here, you'd lose respect for me.
Po: But— Why would I do that?
Shifu: Po, I think I may be… a geek. [The scene cuts to 2D animation.] I've always wanted to come to the Fest. In my youth, I used to climb a tree and look down at everyone having a good time. How I longed to let my Master Yao out of his box. To battle with the best. To valiantly fight every challenger, fend off any and all ruthless attackers, battle my way to the top until at last, no one else was left standing but me and my little Yao. Year after year, I came to the Fest. And year after year, I always turned back ashamed by my desire for such frivolous diversions. [The scene cuts back to 3D animation.] But this year, I made a promise to myself. I would come to the festival and fight… with my Yao.
Po: How's that working out for you?
Shifu: I've won 17 matches!
Shifu: Isn't it? [pauses] I'm sorry, Po. I shouldn't have lied to you and Mantis.
Po: That's— Mantis! That's what I was trying to tell you. I accidentally used the paralyzing touch points on him, and now I can't find him!
Shifu: You what? We don't have much time! Why didn't you say something sooner?
Po: Wha— Me? I was trying, but you had to whine about your whole poor me story and then… [looks at an angry Shifu] You're my master… and hey, hi, ho, how are you? He asked with the deepest respect. [nervously chuckles]
Shifu: [pauses] Let's go find Mantis.
[As Po and Shifu run off, Bian Zao is seen casually looking through all the booths. At one of them, he sees a table full of Mantis action figures – with one of them actually being Mantis. He picks up Mantis and walks back to Taotie.]
Bian Zao: Sold any of your lame things yet?
Taotie: No. I can't understand it. These geeks obviously don't know good merchandise when they see it. [Some villagers look at him in anger.] Yeah, I called you geeks. What are you gonna do about it?
Bian Zao: Uh… The fest!
Villagers: [happy] The fest! [leaves]
Taotie: [looks at Bian Zao’s hands] What's that?
Bian Zao: Something not lame. Its eyes move.
Taotie: Let me see that. [grabs Mantis] Oh, interesting. There must be some hidden mechanism under the eyelid. [grabs pliers]
Bian Zao: Wait! What are you doing?
Taotie: Opening it up, of course. Seeing how it works.
Shifu: [off-screen] Retrace your steps. Where were you?
Taotie: Is that Po and Shifu?
Bian Zao: Nah, just some lameos dressed up like ‘em.
Taotie: No. You can't fake Shifu's cute little nose. That's got to be them! [leaves]
[The scene cuts to Po and Shifu at the table full of Mantis action figures.]
Po: After I paralyzed Mantis, I put him right here.
Shifu: It's possible he could have been mistaken for an action figure. We'll have to check them all.
[After Taotie watches Po and Shifu from behind a wall, he gives Mantis a sinister look.]
Taotie: Well, well. How very interesting. [squeezes pliers] Hello… Master Mantis. [laughs sinisterly]
[End of Act 2]
[The episode continues with Taotie laughing sinisterly as he taunts Mantis with the pliers.]
Bian Zao: What are you gonna do with him?
Taotie: Who knows? Although, I must admit. The possibilities are endless! I could keep him as a trophy, fashion him into a brooch, ooh, or a tie clip.
Bian Zao: Can't we just enjoy the Fest? You should give him back.
Taotie: Give him back? Give him back? Never! He's mine!
Bian Zao: Technically, he's mine. I bought him.
Taotie: Yes. But with whose money, huh? My money! That's whose. And so, he's mine! Mine! All mine! After all these years of scheming and plotting, suddenly something like this just drops in my lap!
Bian Zao: But Dad…
Taotie: The irony of it all. How rich! How deliciously rich! [laughs sinisterly]
[Bian Zao sighs at his dad’s laughter and then walks to Po and Shifu.]
Bian Zao: Um, excuse me. My lame dad has your friend.
Po: What? [looks ahead at a laughing Taotie] Hey, Taotie.
[Taotie looks up and sees Bian Zao waving at him with Po and Shifu nearby.]
Taotie: Oh, son…
[As Taotie is approached by Po and Shifu, he shoves all his figurines into a briefcase.]
Po: Give us Mantis, Taotie!
Taotie: Oh, all right.
Taotie: Of course not really, you simpleton! He's mine. [runs off with Mantis]
[Po and Shifu chase after Taotie. Eventually, they corner him into the stage.]
Shifu: Hand him over. Now!
Po: Yeah! We've only got a few minutes before he's permanently paralyzed—oh…
Taotie: How fascinating. I hope you're in a comfortable position, Mantis. Because you're gonna stay in it forever! [As Po and Shifu get closer, he holds up Mantis.] Uh uh uh! Stay where you are, or I'll crush him like a bug. In fact, a lot like a bug.
Villager #3: [to villagers] Hey! They're doing a recreation of… something.
Taotie: Now, here's what's gonna happen. You're gonna let me walk out of here and not try to stop me.
Po: Why would we do that?
Taotie: Because you'll be too busy fighting off my mechanized figurines of destruction!
[Taotie kicks open his briefcase into the air. The figurines attack Po and Shifu. As the duo struggle to deal with the figurines, Taotie uses a flying contraption in an attempt to escape. The villagers watch the fight in awe. Shifu stops Taotie from escaping by throwing a figurine at the contraption. Taotie falls on a stage piece and drops Mantis on the stage roof. Po, Shifu, and Taotie attempt to retrieve Mantis. The figurines continue to attack Po and Shifu.]
Po: Whoa, not there! [Shifu climbs up to the stage roof and grabs Mantis. However, he falls from the roof when he discovers a figurine is still attacking him. Taotie swings down from the stage piece and kicks Mantis out of Shifu’s hands. Taotie attempts to escape through the entrance with Mantis in his possession, but Po kicks Mantis out of his hands and into the middle of the departing villagers.] Mantis? [The villagers unknowingly kick Mantis out of clear view from the three.] Mantis?
Villager #4: He looks like the real Po.
Villager #3: Ha! If it was, I'd be all over him for an autograph.
Villager #4: Me too!
Taotie: Huh? [points at Po] It's Po! It's the real Dragon Warrior! He's here! Right here! It's Po!
[Villagers crazily surround Po.]
Villagers: I can't believe he's here! Oh boy, oh boy! He's so cool!
Po: Huh? [sees Taotie near Mantis] Gotta. Reach. Mantis. Running out of time! Move. You gotta move! [accidentally hits a villager]
Villager #5: Ow! You hit me.
Po: Agh! Look, I'm sorry, I just gotta—
Villager #5: How cool is that? The Dragon Warrior hit me!
Villagers: Hit me! Hit me! No, hit me! Hit me first! [Po sends some of the villagers flying to the back of the crowd.] I'm never gonna wash my face! Punch me in the face, I've earned it! I really appreciate it. Hit me right now! Kick me in the face! No, hit me first! Hit me, hit me, hit me!
Po: [sees Taotie walking away with Mantis] He's getting away! Must stop Taotie. [pauses] Help me Fest fans! You're my only hope!
Villager #1: All right, troops, come on! We gotta rally! The Dragon Warrior needs our help! Let's do this thing! Let's dance! It's on now! Here comes the pepper!
[The scene cuts to Taotie being stopped by a crowd of villagers.]
Taotie: Do you actually think you can defeat Taotie? Preposterous! You are nothing but a bunch of geeks. [The villagers become angry.] The Fest?
Villagers: [piles up on Taotie] Jellyfish sting! Giraffe overdrive!
Taotie: Oh! Hey! Stop it! Son, help me! [Bian Zao grabs only Mantis and walks towards Po and Shifu.] You are so getting grounded!
Po: Mantis! Oh! Thanks, Bian Zao.
Bian Zao: [holds back Mantis] I'll trade you for your Tigress action figure.
Po: Does it have to be the Tigress?
[Po trades with Bian Zao.]
Bian Zao: Cool.
Po: Mantis? [Shifu taps Mantis in multiple spots.] Mantis? Oh, why isn't he moving?
Shifu: We're… too late.
Po: Mantis… more than anything I wish you could just… jump up and—and punch me and—and kick me and—and… Agh! Knock me over.
Mantis: [wakes up and attacks Po] Hi… ya! Bah zay! Hiyiyiyiya! [slams Po] Don't ever paralyze me again! And as for you nerds… You. Are. Awesome! [As the villagers cheer, Bian Zao drags Taotie out past the entrance.] I underestimated you all. You really kicked some non-pretend bootie. I am in your debt. I salute you, my mighty geek brethren. [leaps on a villager] Who's gonna show me how to play that weird dice game?
Po: Still worried about being a geek?
Shifu: [chuckles] Doesn't really seem like such a bad thing to be, does it?
Po: Nope. [pauses] So…
Po: Just you and me.
[Po and Shifu suddenly battle their action figures on the stage.]
Po: Load-bearing Wall! Lemon Slice! Arms Akimbo!
Shifu: I control your mind!
[Po and Shifu laugh together.]
[End of Act 3]
[End of Transcript]