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Written here is the full transcript of the episode "The Secret Museum of Kung Fu" from the Nickelodeon television series Kung Fu Panda: Legends of Awesomeness. This transcript has been separated into three segments, indicated accordingly to the episode's commercial breaks.
[The episode opens with Apple Cart Duck hiding under his cart from one of Temutai’s henchmen.]
Apple Cart Duck: H—help!
Henchman #1: You can't stay under there forever.
Apple Cart Duck: Go away! Why am I always getting robbed?
Po: Howdy, fellas. [Suddenly, Po and the Five appear in their battle stances behind Temutai’s henchmen.] Bring on the Pandamonium!
Monkey: [slaps Po] Po!
Monkey: I wanted to talk first this time! I had a line all worked out. [performs a battle stance] Prepare to be Fived!
Po: Prepare to be Fived? Really? What does that even mean?
Henchman #1: Get them!
[As the henchmen charge forward, Po and the Five talk and fight effortlessly at the same time.]
Crane: Way to go, Po. Now Monkey's gonna be all sulky. It's so annoying.
Monkey: You're one to talk.
Mantis: Will you clucking hens give it a rest? I'm trying to focus on my work!
Tigress: Maybe you should focus on not shouting every time you talk.
Viper: Maybe if we all just take a deep breath and—
Mantis and Tigress: Stay out of it!
Po: Umm, can we get back to the issue here? The excellence of Bring on the Pandamonium? It narrowly beat out, Welcome to the Po-house.
Monkey: Maybe if you spent less time working on catchphrases, you could spend more time doing your own dishes.
Po: Uhh, I do like eighty percent of the cooking at the—
Crane: Yeah. And ninety percent of the eating!
[As Po and the Five continue to argue at each other, Shifu appears and sees the henchmen escape with Apple Cart Duck’s belongings.]
Shifu: Stop! Who let those bandits get away? [Po and the Five look at a saddened Apple Cart Duck and then continue arguing. Shifu facepalms. The scene cuts to Shifu, Po, and the Five standing outside of the training hall.] How could you let your petty squabbles get in the way of protecting the Valley of Peace? [As Shifu waits for an answer, he sees Po and Monkey slap each other. When he clears his throat, Po and Monkey stop.] We've been under a lot of stress lately. Perhaps we all need a break. So we're all going to take a vacation. [Po and the Five smile.] Together. [Po and the Five frown.]
Monkey: You want us to spend more time with each other? We're already at each other's throats.
Mantis: Who can even find your throat beneath all that cheek fat?
Shifu: This is not open to discussion. [Po and the Five grumble.] We are all going to… the Secret Museum of Kung Fu!
Po: [gleefully squeals] I don't know what it is, but I love it!
Shifu: Centuries ago, our country was in grave danger. [The scene cuts to 2D animation.] Great Kung Fu masters were on the run, the forces of evil following closely on their heels. Desperate to keep China's most powerful weapons and Kung Fu artifacts safe, the masters built a secret structure to hide them. Their work barely complete, the forces of evil closed in on them. The artifacts were saved. But sadly, the great masters perished. Lost for centuries, there was only one key to the secret museum, and one map to reveal its hidden location. And I bought both last week from Chow, the root farmer! [The scene cuts back to 3D animation.] I've always wanted to see the Secret Museum. Now we can!
Po: [excitedly stomps] Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho! I've always wanted to see it too! I just didn't know about it till now. It's like I've spent my whole life waiting for you to tell me about the Secret Museum of Kung Fu, so I could start having wanted to see it forever! [touches Tigress’ shoulder] Aren't you excited?!
The Five: No.
Po: Me too!
Shifu: Hmm… it's important no one see a group of Kung Fu masters traveling to the museum. That might give away its location.
Po: Oh-oh-oh! We can take my dad's noodle-mobile and go in disguise!
Mantis: A noodle… mobile?
Tigress: That is the dumbest idea you've—
Shifu: Excellent! It'll give me an excuse to wear the false beard I won in that mahjong tournament. [The Five stare at him.] Perhaps it seems incongruous with my usual temperament, but I'm excited! Road trip! Start packing!
[Shifu and Po run off. As the Five reluctantly follow them, a wolf is seen eavesdropping from behind the entrance of the training hall courtyard. The scene cuts to Mr. Ping standing outside of the Hall of Warriors.]
Mr. Ping: Be careful with my noodle-mobile.
[A heavily modified rickshaw is seen behind him. Po and the Five are seen standing with their luggage.]
[As Po runs towards the noodle-mobile, Shifu and the Five grumble and walk to it.]
Shifu: It's so… solid.
Mr. Ping: You bet your unflattering moustache it is. Be careful with it. It's one of a kind.
Po: Master Shifu, we're all packed and loaded.
Shifu: Excellent! [wears hat] I've got my disguise, and we're ready to go.
Crane: Dibs on the backseat!
Monkey: I'm already in the backseat.
Crane: But you didn't call dibs.
Monkey: I'm sitting here. That's automatic dibs.
Crane: There's no automatic dibs!
Monkey: Are too!
Crane: Are not!
Monkey: Are too!
Crane: Are not…!
Shifu: Don't make me come back there!
Monkey and Crane: Okay.
[Shifu slowly drives towards the stairs.]
Po: W—wait, how are we gonna get down the— [Suddenly, Shifu quickly drives down the stairs.] Look out, Dad!
[Mr. Ping screams and hangs on to the front of the noodle-mobile.]
Mr. Ping: A—a—are you crazy? You can't drive this thing down the stairs!
Shifu: Nothing to worry about, Mr. Ping! Everything's under control. [Shifu smacks away Mr. Ping and then continues his reckless driving down across the valley.] I'm a good driver.
[The scene cuts to the Shifu slowly driving along narrow mountain paths and then across a bamboo forest. For a moment, a wolf is seen running through the bamboo trees.]
Viper: I spy with my little eye something… green!
Monkey: We're in the forest. Everything is green!
Viper: Give up? It was a leaf! Okay, I spy with my little eye something…
Monkey: Oh boy.
Po: Okay, pick a tile. Any tile.
Mantis: Not again, Po.
Po: Come on, come on! I just got a new How to do Magic Tricks mail-order scroll.
Mantis: I said, no!
Po: Okay, the handcuffs escape then. One, two, three. Behold! Uh, hang on a second. Behold! Uhh, behold. Behold!
Mantis: Great trick, Po.
Po: Behold, behold, behold, behold, behold, behold, ahh! Okay, can someone dig the key out of my back pocket?
The Five: No.
[As Shifu continues to drive, two wolves are seen hiding behind bamboo trees.]
Wolf #1: There. The map to the Secret Museum of Kung Fu. Gather the others. Once we have the map, the Phantom Crystal will be ours. No one will be safe from us. No one!
[End of Act 1]
[The episode continues with Po and the Five arguing at each other. As Shifu continues to drive, he sees wolves running alongside him. Suddenly, he leaps on top of the noodle-mobile to dodge an attack.]
Shifu: Lin Kuei!
[Suddenly, many wolves surround the noodle-mobile. Shifu, Po, and the Five fight against the Lin Kuei.]
Po: Could you just reach around and dig the key out of my back pocket, by any chance? I— [Wolf #1 trips Po.] You could've just said no…
[As Tigress fights, she accidentally kicks Crane.]
Tigress: Would you—
[Tigress gets knocked back by one of the Lin Kuei. As Monkey fights, he accidentally sits on Viper. Viper pushes Monkey off her back.]
Monkey: Look out!
Viper: You look out!
Shifu: Are you all fighting the Lin Kuei or each other?
[Shifu continues fighting against the Lin Kuei. Eventually, he loses the fight, the secret museum map, and the secret museum key. The Lin Kuei then disappears by using a smoke bomb.]
Tigress: What was that about?
Shifu: I don't know.
Crane: Why did they leave? We weren't exactly kicking their butts.
Po: Clearly, I intimidated them.
Monkey: Yeah, the handcuffed chunky guy.
Shifu: With all of your childish bickering, we were an easy target. Let's get moving.
Crane: Great. I can't wait to get home!
Shifu: We're not going home. We are continuing to the secret museum. Maybe it will remind you of how real Kung Fu masters should behave.
Tigress: What? But with the Lin Kuei around—
Po: We'll take 'em out again. Or maybe they'll run away again. We can't turn back when we're this close again! It was, Shifu wants to, come on! [The Five grumble and return to the noodle-mobile. Shifu continues driving.] Do you think my dad will notice this damage to his cart?
[Suddenly, a piece of the noodle-mobile falls from above.]
Mantis: There is that possibility.
Po: [whispers] So, did the Lin Kuei steal anything?
Shifu: [whispers] Nothing of consequence.
[The scene cuts to the Lin Kuei sitting around a campfire.]
Wolf #1: At last, we have the location of the secret museum. [opens scroll] It is… blank. It's blank! Ugh! We have to pick up their trail again.
Wolf #2: And destroy them?
Wolf #1: No! We'll follow them. I may not have gotten the museum map, but I did get the museum key. Stealth, everyone. They must not see or hear us until they arrive at the museum. Then, we will destroy them!
[The scene cuts to Shifu continuing his drive.]
Po: Nope, no sign of the Lin Kuei. Hey, great trip, huh? I'm not saying top ten of all time, but… right. How 'bout you guys? Road triptastic or what? [An awkward silence ensues.] Oh, Tigress. You've got something in your ear. [pulls out flowers] Oh, look, wait. There's more! [pulls out a red ribbon] Huh? Huh? And?
Tigress: [pushes Po’s face] You pull one more thing out of my ear, and I will shove it into your—
Crane: [groans] I'm cart sick.
Monkey: Is this a trick to get me to give up my seat? [Crane vomits from the side.] Eww, not a trick.
Po: Did you say, trick?
[Po pulls a coin out from Monkey’s ear.]
Monkey: How did— That was in my pocket! [takes back coin]
Po: It's magic! And now, the handcuffs escape!
Mantis: Po, we just got those off you!
Po: It's cool. This time I got it. Behold! [Po moves his arms apart, but is unable to uncuff himself.] Uhh, behold, behold, behold, behold, behold, behold, behold, behold!
Viper: I spy with my little eye—
Tigress: Okay, I have had it! I didn't need a vacation from the Jade Palace. I needed a vacation from all of you!
Monkey: Oh, really? 'Cause it's so much fun for us to hang out with a tiger with zero warmth, and even less charm!
Mantis: Preach, brother, preach!
Viper: Don't gang up on Tigress. You guys are being so immature.
Tigress: I don't need your help, Mary Sunshine.
Crane: Yeah, drop the nice snake routine. It's so fake.
Shifu: Stop it! [stands on steering wheel] I can't listen to you squabbling for another minute. I tried to bring you all together, and you do nothing but fight like children! Well, I'd like to know… why we're still moving. [The noodle-mobile slowly moves towards a slope.] Bad.
[The noodle-mobile quickly descends. Past the slope, a cliff is seen in the distance. Po attempts to stop the noodle-mobile, but he is only able to save Shifu and the Five. The noodle-mobile falls into the cliff and breaks as it lands. Shifu, Po, and the Five look down at the noodle-mobile’s remains.]
Crane: Well, that's that. Now can we go home?
Po: Go home? We've got a museum to find.
Shifu: He's right, Po. It's over.
Po: You too? Don't say that! Just because the cart is a little obliterated doesn't mean—
Shifu: No one knows where the museum is, including me.
Po: But you had a map.
Shifu: No I didn't. The real map was lost centuries ago.
Po: What? Huh? Th—then, then, then, why?!
Shifu: I thought the journey would help you bond. But since you don't want to be a team, there's nothing I can do. You're all on your own.
Po: Shifu, wait!
Shifu: No. I would prefer to be alone. [walks off with a cane]
Po: Guys, we gotta go after him!
Tigress: Let him go, Po. I think we'd all prefer to be alone.
[The Five split off in different directions.]
Po: Hey, come on, guys! We're a team. And teams… stick together. [groans] Some vacation.
[End of Act 2]
[The episode continues with Shifu walking alone in the forest. Suddenly, he touches a large rock with his cane.]
Shifu: Huh? [As Shifu rubs the dust off the rock, he sees the symbol of the Secret Museum of Kung Fu.] It… it can't be. [He rubs the dust off another rock ahead and sees the same symbol again.] It can't be! [He runs forward until he sees large ruins of a cave.] It is! I found it! I found the secret museum! [He walks up to the ruins and puts his hand in a hole.] There should be… Yes, the keyhole!
[As Shifu looks in his pockets for the secret museum key, Wolf #1 dangles the key infront of him.]
Wolf #1: Looking… for this? [knocks Shifu unconscious]
[The scene cuts to Monkey walking off on his own.]
Monkey: What is dibs anyway?! Does anyone know what dibs is?! [Suddenly, the Lin Kuei knocks him unconscious.]
[The scene cuts to Viper walking off on her own.]
Viper: What's wrong with I Spy? Everybody loves I Spy. [Suddenly, the Lin Kuei knocks her unconscious.]
[The scene cuts to Tigress walking off on her own.]
Tigress: That was incredibly unprofessional. [Suddenly, the Lin Kuei knocks her unconscious.]
[The scene cuts to Crane flying off on his own.]
Crane: Did I get a single word of sympathy when I was sick? No. [Suddenly, the Lin Kuei knocks him unconscious.]
[The scene cuts to Mantis walking off on his own.]
Mantis: Who thought this trip was a good idea? [Suddenly, the Lin Kuei knocks him unconscious.]
[The scene cuts to Po sitting near the remains of the noodle-mobile. A shadow from the ground is seen approaching him.]
Po: You came back! [Suddenly, a meteor hammer is flung at him.] Waa! [He leaps to avoid the attack. When he lands, he sees the Lin Kuei surrounding him.] Hey! You're not Shifu! [Suddenly, Wolf #1 knocks him unconscious.]
[The scene cuts to Po, Shifu, and the Five restrained to a wall.]
Po: What? I was… I— Oh man! These cuffs must be from the advanced magic kit. Hey hey! We found the museum! [He looks around and sees the Lin Kuei trying to find the Phantom Crystal.] Or… they found the museum.
Wolf #1: [looks around] There! The Phantom Crystal!
Mantis: Uhh, guessing we don't want them to have that.
[Wolf #1 takes the Phantom Crystal and then phases his hand through a pillar. Everyone else gasps.]
Wolf #1: With the Phantom Crystal, no walls can stop me. No weapon can harm me. All the riches of the world will be mine! And we'll start by looting the Valley of Peace, after which, we'll burn it to the ground. And to make sure everyone knows who's in charge now, we'll burn Shifu with it.
Po: You can't!
Wolf #1: Oh, but I can, Dragon Warrior. But he's the lucky one. His end will be quick, unlike yours. [The Lin Kuei uncuff Shifu and drag him out of the museum.] I hope you like the museum, because you're all going to be permanent exhibits. [Wolf #1 locks the entrance and then phases through it.] If you're lucky, maybe in a few years you'll be mummies. [laughs and phases away]
Mantis: Worst vacation ever.
Po: Who wants to see a magic trick?
Viper: No one! No one wants to see a magic trick! No one wanted to go on this stupid vacation in the first place!
Mantis: Wow, you know things are bad when Miss Goody No-Shoes loses her cool.
[Suddenly, the Five argue at each other.]
Po: Guys. Hey! [uncuffs himself with a key] Behold! [uncuffs the Five] Listen up. We can split up again, if you want. But none of us can take on the Lin Kuei and rescue Shifu alone. So, we could work as a team to save Shifu, who, by the way, wouldn't be in trouble if we hadn't all been acting like selfish jerks.
Tigress: [pauses] I'm in.
Mantis: Me too.
Monkey: Lets do it!
Viper: Go… team!
Po: Awesome! Now, come on. We can get out of here if we just use our heads. [The scene cuts to the Five using Po’s head to break the entrance.] Ow!
Monkey: How was that for Pandamonium?
Tigress: Let's go. We've gotta save Shifu. Oh, and guys?
Mantis: Yeah, we're all sorry too.
[As the Five head off to save Shifu, Po stumbles.]
Po: [groans] I've been Fived.
[The scene cuts to the Lin Kuei running away and dragging Shifu against the ground. Wolf #1 playfully phases through trees and rocks.]
Wolf #1: This thing is amazing!
Po: It does look pretty cool.
[Wolf #1 looks up and sees Po and the Five standing on top of a rock.]
Wolf #1: Destroy them!
[The Lin Kuei fights against Po and the Five. Initially, Po and the Five lose as they’re picked off one by one. Shortly after, Po and the Five win as they work together. Po then chases after Wolf #1 and fights him. Po loses the fight as Wolf #1 continues to use the Phantom Crystal.]
Po: Quit it! Buddy, we are never gonna have a fair fight like this.
Wolf #1: Good.
Po: [accidentally punches a tree] Ow! Cut it out.
Wolf #1: What are you going to do, panda? You can't touch me. [Wolf #1 beats up Po, knocks him down, and pulls his sword out to Po’s face.] Time to end you, Dragon Warrior. Once and for all!
[Wolf #1 stabs Po’s stomach.]
Wolf #1: Any parting words?
Po: Yes. Behold! [raises Phantom Crystal to the sky]
Wolf #1: What? [Po pushes out the sword past his body and then punches Wolf #1 with a pause during each punch.] Get. Ready. For. [Wolf #1 goes unconscious.] Oh man! I didn't get to the Pandamonium.
Monkey: Nice one.
Mantis: Good job.
Po: Haha! You guys totally thought I was dying, didn't you? Best trick ever. [pulls out a few mahjong tiles] Now pick a tile. Any tile.
[Shifu and the Five groan.]
[The scene cuts to Shifu, Po, and the Five dragging the remains of the noodle-mobile across the valley.]
Shifu: So you see, working together, there's nothing we can't do.
Po: Absolutely. All in all, that was a pretty good trip.
Mantis: Worth a million yuan.
Po: And we should never, ever, ever do it again.
Mantis: Not for a million yuan.
Shifu: Now you sound like a team.
[As Shifu, Po, and the Five continue their walk, Mr. Ping is seen sweeping in front of his shop. When he turns around, he sees pieces of his noodle-mobile littered outside.]
Mr. Ping: [fearfully leaps] Oh!
[End of Act 3]
[End of transcript]